That particular gem was in one of thirty-eight MFU stories written by the same lady, all of which are independent first-times featuring the same OMCs, same elaborate invented childrape background, and the same non-canon ponytail (and glasses) for Illya. Right, so, I don't blame you if you'd forgotten; I'd forgotten too. But then I got this comment this morning:
I have to thank you for the fact that this entry is the top Google result for Illya ponytail. It's practically a public service. :D I was going through that archive and found that startling number of fics in which Illya has a ponytail, and I was extremely bewildered. (and not observant enough to notice that they were all by the same person...*facepalms*) I googled trying to find out if there was somehow a canon basis for this that I was unaware of, and was glad to have matters clarified by this post. XD
MY DAY, IT IS MADE.
All that unadulterated cream-and-coffee skin against white, with dark tangles at stern and midship, was just too delicious a contrast for Matt. His pants were strangling him.
cim: This paragraph is like a one-two-three punch of wtf? that knocks you out.
cim: BAM, cream-and-coffee skin! You're reeling!
lilah: Stern and midship? WHAT?
cim: Exactly! WHAM, stern and midship! What? you're staggering!
lilah: HIS PANTS WERE STRANGLING HIM!
cim: AND YOU'RE OUT COLD.
cim: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
lilah: I DON'T KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
cim: WHY ARE HIS PANTS SUDDENLY ANIMATE AND BENT ON MURDER? WASN'T THIS A BAD SEX SCENE A MINUTE AGO? WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE AM I?
Well, so, that period in my life ended (because Matt and Mohinder, like, split up? Or something, idk, Heroes became too bad to keep up with) but all was not lost, because the previous record-holder for most horrifying badsex until I read that Star Wars fic where whoever-it-was "could not have been any harder if his erection were encased in plasticrete" [access-locked]is now writing Supernatural. Although her newer stuff wasn't nearly as hilarious. She seems to have gained some maturity, or maybe it's just that the rest of the fandom is so much worse.
Also, Fangirl X , you are awesome bb, and the angst from your stories inspires. I read everything you've written so far, but am truly unable to come up with a adequate response that I feel you deserve, so I will be commenting on those soon.
Is it just me, fellow embarrassment squick sufferers, or is this horrifyingly embarrassing to read as well as a general author's note fail for tl;dr and tackiness? On the one hand, as usual when a badthor names Fangirl X as inspiration, I'm thinking, "Oh, thanks a lot, Fangirl X! Without your 'inspiration' I might not now be reaching for the eye/brain bleach!"; but on the other hand, I kind of feel for Fangirl X, too, because on the off chance that she has any sensibilities she probably won't appreciate this bizarrely public form of communication.
- Uh-oh, there can't be much if any good fiction but there's bound to be some that makes you reach for the eye-spork
- SQUICKY CHAN ALERT
The awesome one wasn't chan at all - it was firmly futurefic. But of course both of those predictions were correct, although first I found some badfic that was very funny and which I was quite glad I had found (check #ficspelunking from a few days ago. Ex: "How could he, Charlie Bucket, Willy Wonka’s heir and the luckiest boy in the world… be gay?").
So the problem part came because I suddenly had this little flame of fannish enthusiasm for a pairing that, outside the story I've already read, for all intents and purposes doesn't exist (and isn't likely to increase its size), and I really hate that. Still, fruitless and after-the-fact as it is, I won't resist my impulse to buy the movie and books (just delay it a bit until we have some money again).
Everyone else should also read this orphaned story, which is one of those gems that's capable of inspiring a wistful yearning for the faint image of the imaginary fandom that could (should?) exist to fully explore all the possibilities it suggests, and explores them just enough to leave you needing more without being incomplete in itself.
Abracadabra by lyricality. R, future-fic, book- and Burton-based. Eight years after that fateful day in February, Charlie has finally learned how to want.Now and then, Charlie likes to drift deep into himself and dream in silence, forgetting deadlocks and deadlines and anything else that ruins his creative process. Wonka is careful with time, in contrast. He never loses it, never wastes it, and most certainly never kills it. He likes to dream out loud.
Charlie doesn’t mind it anymore. Besides, he’s always liked listening to Willy Wonka speak...even when some of it really is perfect nonsense. But that’s the way the man’s mind works--getting the nonsense out of the way right off and turning the rest to genius. Sometimes turning the nonsense to genius, too.
It was hard to pick a quote there. Did I want to show a glimpse of the brilliant voice in the dialogue? Or a glimpse of the whimsical spot-on world-building (edible scenery, grown-up Charlie's Candy Factory expertise and role)? Or the faint hints of imagery that gently re-awaken the film's without lingering too heavily? Or the rather charming hints of wistful angst? Or the passage from which the author's summary was drawn, to further explicate the story's premise?
I think everyone should read this and ideally some more people should write it (not holding my breath there, just throwing it out). I'd really love to see some art, because Burton films are so visual.
"A - um, a refractory period. That's what it's called."
"And what was your question exactly?" When he put his lips to Illya's throat he could feel Illya's pulse beating there.
"Well - we don't seem to have one."
"No, we don't, do we. Do you know what that means?" He moved up so he was smiling directly into Illya's eyes, and they smiled back at him.
"True love." Napoleon fitted them together with care and oh, how perfect the match was. "It's a sign of true love."
perhael: "Our love is so true, it overrides normal physical reactions!"
perhael: I MEAN SRSLY WHAT.
cimorene: True loves means your balls are magically always full!
cimorene: THEY CAN NOW ACCESS THE SPECIAL TRUE LOVE RESERVE SPUNK.
perhael: AHAHAHAHAHHAHA. I'm picturing a secret secure door inside the ballsac labeled "true love reserves".
perhael: "OPEN ONLY IN CASE OF SOULMATES"
cimorene: khxcvöla>kxv It's probably triggered by a physical mechanism!
cimorene: Once the cock touches the soul... which as we know is located just past the prostate...
cimorene: I have to post this.
perhael: You really do!
perhael: Other people need to know about this magical discovery! They may have been wondering why they still have refractory periods! They might not know it's because they haven't found their ~*TRUE LOVE*~!
Which of my two favorite epithets is funniest?
The average-sized apartment for a man who lives alone
The red-haired athletic tennis player with a permanent bandage as a facial accessory
Indeed those are funny but this write-in is funnier:
Speaking of The Horrifying Things Scale, I still place penis shrapnel at a mere 9/10 while child rape takes the cake at 10/10, but until recently I'd read three child rape stories and only one Penis Shrapnel Story, because, really, penis shrapnel: it's not the kind of thing you just come up with. But as of two days ago I've now had to say that I have read two penis shrapnel stories. Admittedly, there was no shrapnel, but there was a surprise!penis disfigurement involving Metal In A Way That Penises Aren't Meant To Involve Metal. And I think that, morally, that has to be grouped with Penis Shrapnel.
And now Illya was going to show him how men had sex with each other. Napoleon's heart hammered in his chest. Not only show him, but do it with him.
That's right: no more of those tiresome stick figure diagrams, or worse, action figures.
badthors with well-earned and hilarious epithets deathmatch
Limpet Vaccuum Girl
I leave it up to you whether to vote on the basis of their epithets or their ouvres (Limpet Vaccuum Girl I just discovered last night; ImmortalWaycestuousAssbabySnake!Frank Girl was discovered a couple of years ago and has been mentioned numerous times in the badfic tag).
Actually, I don't have any other pre-epitheted badthors around, so this will be a very short deathmatch. Sorry.
Why, yes, I DID just find a second story by Limpet Vaccuum Girl in which she refers to the protagonist as "the dapper enforcer", why do you ask?
WARNING: I am going to use a tragedy that would normally be the main focus of any story in which it occurred (death of a child, death of a family, death of an entire race or culture, whatever) as a mechanism for getting my pairing to fuck. I am pretty sure that makes it more dramatic and arty. I don't actually intend to address any of the probable outcomes of this tragedy, like sadness, say, or maybe even some anger. It's just background tragedy. It's the kind of thing that is really seriously awful but people forget it and they are entirely all right as soon as they have some sex with the right person.
WARNING: There's a lot more to this story, but I didn't feel like writing it. Or any plot or characterization or anything, really. Mostly I just wrote "cock" a lot.
WARNING: All dialogue sounds the same to me.
"All he could do was lie there, his hands running over that broad, powerful back as Solo vacuumed his tonsils."
"Napoleon's mouth fastened onto his like an upset limpet."
The two were polar opposites of one another, and when they were together the air seemed to change perceptibly around them. Molecules broke down and rematerialized, energizing the air with a weird brand of oxygen that contained some unidentifiable element that was unmistakably them. When the two were together, those around them felt at east; right, in a way they could never quite explain. And if one of them happened to leave the room, leaving the other behind, it was as if a light bulb had suddenly gone out. Everything sort of…dimmed. There needs to be a name for it, Karl thought. He wondered how they did it. Surely there must be a trick. Chemistry, he thought. Weird, but it makes sense. They seemed to coexist and feed off the most primal mixture of chemistry and physics, and it worked for them, it made sense. (here)
Note that the tag "badfic" isn't necessarily accurate beyond the paragraph quoted, but I have to be able to find my old posts somehow.
§ Dream Job! But interestingly enough, on New Year's Eve quite late at night Wax was surfing the Employment Bureau website and found my dream job - one of Turku's international daycares, located within about 20 minutes' walk of here in the Student Village and feeding into the local international school (partly because I quite want to work with other immigrants - preferably ones who are rather more adrift in Finland than I am, and whom I might be able to help a bit, and partly because I just do want to work with little children. You see, older children I find more assholey and generally unmanageable, but little ones are still charming even when they're bad - well, it's just a matter of preference, I guess, but preschoolers have always been my favourite age).
Anyway, in Finland a teaching certificate is required for kindergarten teachers, a special one, and another kind even for preschool teachers (it's a 2-year technical degree in being a 'carer'); so, the daycare seeking a permanent staff kindergarten teacher, I obviously couldn't do it. I mean, it's illegal to hire a permanent salaried employee for these functions who's underqualified. But there's a kindergarten-nursery school staff shortage on in Finland just now, which means unqualified substitutes are hired temporarily; so Wax told me to apply anyway, and I did. Despite having forgotten to translate my CV into English and forgetting even to attach it to the first email, I got a call yesterday from the daycare. They appear to be quite desperate, because the lady said, "Um... how soon could you start?" So I'm to report there at 9am Monday for an interview, but if she likes me, and I quote, "Could you start right away?" So. Um. YAY! But I'm also nervous about it.
§ old recs So that's what's goin' on. I've also been rewatching Austen adaptations and making icons of them, in between reading; and furiously transferring the last of my old recs page to delicious, having now got all the way through the Star Wars page, and most of the way through the "Miscellaneous" page. All my old Jeeves & Wooster, Jay & Silent Bob, Master & Commander, The Sentinel, etc are now on delicious; I'm in the middle of Smallville now. (And let me tell you - curiosity compelled me to look over the Jay & Silent Bob ones again since I haven't read them since, oh, 2003, when irisbleufic and I got into it at approximately the same time, and each wrote one ficlet, and then in a fit of UTTER insanity I actually wrote Kevin Smith/Jason Mewes RPS, too. My dark past! - But anyway, curiosity, and oh, dear, the offerings there were actually worse than I remembered. Which is hard to achieve! Because I hadn't forgotten the cringing! And I was compelled to leave some of them off because they were just too awful. Maybe I'll ask for some in Yuletide next year...)
§ Rewatching the original Star Wars Which reminds me that Wax said she DIDN'T WANT TO watch the original Star Wars trilogy with me. "I'm not a HUGE fan," she said. "You don't have to be a huge fan to watch it once every ten years," I said to no avail. Will someone else PLEASE watch with me?
cim: O RLY
cim: So basically what you're saying is... that in fact... he HAD looked.
perhael: Except that he hadn't!
perhael: It was Schrödingers's look.
aeslis: And not only that, they each sired one of the twins. DO NOT ASK ME HOW THIS WORKS.
cimness: Fraternal twins!
aeslis: ... yeah, but I mean. C'mon now.
cimness: I thought you meant it was mpreg.
aeslis: No. They had a threesome with a girl and she's like, oh, I'm about to get married, here are the kids I got accidentally pregnant with, you can have them, I don't want them to affect my new life! *note in basket on doorstep*
aeslis: And somehow, Nino has forgotten this. Though I guess he musta been sloshed like hell, seeing as not only did he forget the memory, they both forgot a condom.
cimness: I'm gonna go out on a limb and classify this as crack, so I don't think that probability is really a just critique...
aeslis: That limb, you will not fall from it.
EDIT: I picked my threesome icon accidentally, if you can believe it, because the keyword is "XD".