Cimorene

Wax made some eclairs for me last week, after I complained that you can't get them in Finland! It took two days (she made the pastry cream a day early), and a bunch of hours, but she agrees that it's not like it's hard, just a lot of fussing around. I am now not positive but I THINK I've maybe never had fresh eclairs before? I had fresh ones Friday, then leftover ones Saturday and Sunday now. The second-day ones where the crust has softened are definitely way more familiar. The fresh ones were incredibly delicious.

Our favorite icecream shake is pistachio and vanilla combined with coffee and amaretto (we were too depressed to make it this summer, because you have to get out a food processor and do a bunch of steps) and I've been trying for years to think how to combine these flavors into a cold-weather dessert. Maybe eclairs is the answer! Amaretto-coffee icing and pistachio-vanilla pastry cream? Or pistachio icing and coffee-amaretto pastry cream?

Speaking of Wax, she updated her journal waxjism for the first time in two years or something. Maybe because I told her I was not as qualified as she was to post about the eclairs.

From the hospital, that is. He got home yesterday and I spent all day expecting (in vain) my mom or sister to remember to explain the medical mysteries and the outcomes (my sister explained them today). It seems things were caused by medication errors. He missed a heart medication the day of his surgery and was on too many blood thinners, which have been adjusted now. He is still too weak to use his phone though, so I haven't heard from him in a while. Usually he is quite active in our family chat. But this is probably because he didn't get the medication he takes for tremors while he was in the hospital.

I was happily expecting to go pet the spring lambs at Stentorp today, and also buy more local untreated wool at their Easter open house. Then last night I had cramps that were the most painful I have felt in years and years. It didn't hurt as much as when I broke my elbow, but that was almost ten years ago. I do most months have cramps bad enough to curtail how much I move around in spite of taking painkillers, but usually less than a whole day's worth of them, and nothing that I have ever needed stronger painkillers for than ibuprofen. In fact in the last few years they've gotten much less severe and I have mostly been fine with 1000 mg of paracetamol (acetaminophen). I guess I've used ibuprofen instead maybe... three times in the last year, and then usually only 400 mg. Last night I took 1000 mg of paracetamol and 600 mg of ibuprofen and I was crouching over the side of the bed pressing a microwaved wheat hotpack to my belly with one hand and wolfing down buttered toast with the other (my stomach is sensitive and I never take ibuprofen without food), and then I lay there with a hot pack under my lower back and another on my lower abdomen for like... an hour, probably?

I was mentally clinging to this promised treat of petting lambs and getting wool last night, and I got up a little early today. But apparently Wax's new episode of 911 came out early this morning and she spent four hours or something trying and failing to get a copy of it and then she was so mad about bad writing and the continued absence (second week in a row) of her blorbo from the screen that she was unable to... leave her computer chair... or think about anything else... until it was too late to go today. They still have an open house tomorrow, though. We'll have to go tomorrow.

(This bad writing on 911 isn't related to the previously-mentioned fact that apparently her ship is going canon. Since last update, a press release for next season promised to continue the "will-they-won't-they" between the characters, so this seems like confirmation, but also confirmation that they won't before the end of the season. The bad writing is a pretty widespread issue, since it's a network tv primetime soap opera, and continuity, plausibility, and character development are spotty. This week's offensively bad writing is related to a ridiculously implausible medical emergency and melodramatic brush with death [two things that happen frequently], the apparent departure of one of their biggest stars and the first time a main character has departed the show. Either someone died, or it's another fakeout: he did already fake die a year ago, according to Wax, so it's repetitive either way. Seems like maybe the actor is actually leaving now? The character death, besides being silly, implausible, and repetitive of past notes, is not good writing for the character, according to Wax, who is also giving angry jaded snorts at text posts looking forward to characters dealing with "deep grief" because the show is notoriously bad at remembering to show characters grieving or, in general, experiencing psychological consequences after traumatic experiences.)

Everything is tiring again.

Sipuli's ears are dirty for the second time in a row so we will have to keep cleaning them with ear cleaner. Cats hate this, and who can blame them? It's cold goop oozing into your ear. Also, no further cat progress. We are still not doing the stuff the behaviorist recommended, but we have talked about it a few times?

No improvement in Wax's depression and energy levels - she didn't gain anything from the increasing sunlight like I did. She's just dissociating constantly I guess. I haven't had the energy to bully her into making a doctor's appointment; just having a conversation is taxing. I've told her that she needs to twice, and I'm not sure if that counts as an attempt or just a warning shot.

I have cleaned the kitchen a few more times after the time on the 14th when I moved and scrubbed and put things away. It is mostly usable more of the time now, but this has not so far empowered either of us to try any more complicated food preparation. (We are mostly eating frozen falafel with quick tabbouleh, frozen pizza, frozen breaded whitefish and frozen roasted vegetables, or pantry soup - one bag of frozen mixed vegetables, one bag of frozen spinach, one unit of lentils or canned beans, one unit of canned crushed tomatoes, spices and bouillon cubes. These recipes are better with fresh vegetables and especially sauteed fresh alliums and aromatics but they are almost as good this way.)

I have been doing laundry semidaily in an attempt to finally wash all the little rugs (there's like... six or seven loads of them but they can't fit on the drying rack simultaneously), and have got about halfway through them. There's a huge pile of clean laundry upstairs because instead of putting it away I've sort of half folded it into three baskets of foldish-pile-stacks.

I stalled out about halfway through trying to put the Christmas decorations back in the attic.

The plumber who said that he would call us in the first week of the year hasn't called us, but the city has dug up and replumbed a whole entire block leading up to the intersection by our house. They also destroyed the entire bed of flowering groundcover around the old birch tree at the corner of our property🙃. It was big and flourishing and long established before we bought the house. I'm sure they didn't even know it was there because it was under snow at the time, and filling the little verge between the tree and the road. Anyway, our plumber couldn't have done anything while they were there and he was in contact with city plumbers, so MAYBE that's why we haven't heard from him during? But they're done now. And they haven't paved it again (can't until after the thaw when there won't be anymore snow, I'm pretty sure), so I guess that's good for us, if he can do the repairs before they do that? Still though, it's possible that we need to contact him and we don't have that capacity atm.

Cat Divorce (see every post recently tagged "cats") has exiled me most of the time to the dining room and the kitchen, away from all the furniture I know and love. Right now it's even worse because we can't temporarily switch them and let Tristana run up and down the stairs for exercise, because Anubis's balls are back and he's peeing everywhere, and the last time he was in the kitchen while we made dinner he peed on the wall and somehow also INSIDE THE PANTRY. So we don't want to shut him in the kitchen and diningroom as we would like to minimize pee in them.

Anyway, instead of spending time sitting on the sofa and then sleeping in bed, I have been sitting up on a folded-out metal Ikea futon sofa most of the time, or occasinally turning it into a sofa and sitting on it that way - but I think that's not actually much better. They're both terrible for my back. But if I want to use the computer, or watch tv and knit, I kinda need to sit up.

I managed okay for months! But I've been gradually feeling more and more lower back pain and, as Wax wisely pointed out, this is because I never get any exercise (see: our five-year history of plans and resolutions to go walking daily, or regularly, which has never worked even for as much as a three-day-in-a-row streak: we're both completely HORRIBLE and will take any slight setback as an excuse to suggest breaking the routine, after which it vanishes from both of our minds like smoke) and have no stamina or core strength. It's reached the point where my back hurts a lot and I don't want to sit up. Or sit. Except on maybe like... the floor? Or a stool? Because of my back.

I used to do yoga almost daily, and what broke THAT routine was moving to Pargas before the pandemic in 2019, and the subsequent series of disasters. The pandemic hit, everything was 5-alarm emergency at all times, and there was no floor space where you could put a yoga mat, even if I could find it since all our stuff was still packed, for literally over a year, and then the routine was gone. Finally today it hurt enough for me to look up some PT exercises to do, which led to getting my yoga mat out for the first time in YEARS. I had to go dig it out of the attic, then I had to vaccuum it, then I had to scrub it. It is currently drying off.

That was only fifteen minutes of stretching, but it was totally fine - it felt good, but not enough, and also much more uncomfortable than it should've been at several points. I should do more of it. I should also try something else to get us walking again, but I am kinda out of ideas there. We have tried a lot of things. Just in the last month I think either Wax or I has said something about how we should go for a walk now to the other at least ten times, only for the other one to come up with some reason why they didn't want to in every case, leading to us only walking once when we had to go to the grocery store. It's... egregiously, enragingly pathetic, honestly.

Another thing that has changed recently is that I've finally tapered all the way off of Venlafaxine (Effexor), the SSRI I was taking at a very high dose since maybe... 2011ish? I decided to taper off of it after I started taking ADHD medication because of a (so far extremely borne out) suspicion that the ADHD meds would do a way better job at making me feel better than any SSRI ever did. Very gradually, over the course of months, with the help of my psychiatrist, I stopped, and I recently finished my final one month of the tiniest dose available. The last withdrawal effects haven't even gone away yet - the weird sparking things that happen in your head and neck when you move them (hate those!!!!). But I'm already sleeping much more soundly, to the point that it's harder for Snookums to wake me up to feed him in the middle of the night. And I'm also tearing up like five times a day at stuff like... listening to music with a chord progression... but also thinking about upsetting things. Or about how much I love Snookums. Or today, remembering an old work friend I ghosted during the pandemic stress and feeling bad about it. Maybe this will chill out after a while. I hope so, I guess. It's also producing a lot of mild headaches, which happened when reducing the dose as well (they were worse early on actually), but frequent mild headaches are making me irritable and constant back pain is also making me irritable, and I'm not coping well (or at all) with the frustration about the lack of ability to form habits and start to exercise more.

Saturday we were meal planning, and waxjism started by saying we had a bell pepper left. So I said it must be because we hadn't made the Greek chicken we bought it for, only neither of us could remember putting the chicken in the fridge. Wax actually went and checked both fridge and freezer before I remembered that we actually did eat the Greek chicken a whole week ago, and then Wax remembered that we don't have a pepper anymore either. She hadn't noticed when she checked the fridge.

Living with ADHD is a wild ride. 😂

It's not even Monday, but every now and then, at any time, I now remember how terrible a song "Let it Be" is - just egregiusly awful. A frequent repeated insult to my ears! It gets played so much in karaoke that it can start playing in my head at any moment.

But on the other hand I don't think I had ever heard Loretta Lynn before. Or maybe somewhere in the background, but not known it was her? She has a pleasant voice.

I seem to be feeling basically okay now, but with lingering sinus congestion. Which is annoying but not huge. Definitely a cold and not flu. On the other hand, Wax is now definitely sick! She was barely ever in the room with me while I was sick, but even so! She often doesn't get as sick as me with the same infection, so hopefully she won't have as many days of misery.

I really dislike when Wax gets her days off during the week and has to work on the weekends, so our free days don't match up. It feels like it's not a real weekend and we don't get anything done, because we both lean on doing it together to manage anything that needs executive function. Wax has worked eight days in a row now, which is probably why I feel so convinced it's Friday and have done all week. At least it really is now.

Snookums had low blood sugar and vomited in the middle of the night, so he woke me up so many times I lost count licking my hair and yelling. I fed him four times in there. At this point I'm simmering with irritation at absolutely everything, from the weather and the fact that my sweater still isn't finished to the author notes and formatting of the last fic I opened.

I promised to go to the grocery store first thing for work today, and although I don't want to, maybe the walk will make me feel a bit better. Ugh.

It snowed last week - like, barely, and not enough to cover everything, but it did snow! So it's time to get the winter tires put on the car, which meant hauling them up out of the cellar. And it's also time to tuck in the garden for winter!

We turned the rain barrels upside down - a little late, because they both had skins of ice over the top. We put the watering cans and garden implements and the odd roll of chickenwire in the cellar, put the glass panes back in the cellar windows, and raked piles of leaves over all the bushes and perennials to keep their roots warm. Wax piled some compost on the especially delicate ones (roses, clematis) and the berry bushes, for a little extra warmth and food, and then I put raked leaves on top of that. It's getting cold on the enclosed porch, though not below freezing yet - it's enclosed but not insulated: single panes of glass and uninsulated walls. So the chrysanthemums will have to go out of there into the cellar soon, but we have to check up on the correct way to winter them (they might have to be cut back first?). We already brought the coleus in and they think it's spring because it's so much warmer inside now the radiators have turned on. They're budding and branching and shooting up and will have to be pruned soon if we don't want them to look ludicrously leggy.

We brought in a load of firewood - in two plastic buckets, because all my attempts to find a proper firewood carrier that we can buy have failed so far (like... in the past three weeks). The places I checked nearby are out, or out of all the ones except weirdly small and expensive aluminum ones. The traditional Finnish ones are usually big baskets like this, called a pärekori in Finnish, spånkorg or pärtkorg in Swedish. Uh, Wiktionary claims that they're called a splint basket or chip basket in English, though I've never heard that... possibly it's regional. Or simply fallen out of use. (Looking a little deeper, the word for what they're made of - päre, pärt - means shingle, and the Swedish definition is clear that you can use them either for roofing a house or for making a basket. Or, in old time Finland, clogs and bags and backpacks.)



These are the kind of things you can buy from little stalls at the market square, and in fact I've done that before (in Turku) to give them as presents, and we have a little one for carrying the shopping in and two giant ones for laundry that belonged to Wax's mom. But this particular shape with the high triangular sides and the square footprint is the one that's typically used for carrying wood. And in fact this photo is from the chain just down the street, but that branch of it doesn't have them in stock, because that would be too easy. (Same thing with two other major national chains' closest branch stores in Kaarina, about fifteen minutes away). It's getting to the point where I'm thinking about ordering one online, as ludicrous as that seems, because it's easier than driving to the market in Turku, or the big home center in Raisio (another Turku suburb, but it's on the other side of it, by Ikea). Our little town only has a tiny miniature market square and it's only open a short while once a week - we've never actually been to it while it was open.

But in spite of the plastic buckets, I scraped out the ash and Wax made a fire in the cast iron stove, and we had a cup of tea and a giant peanut butter cookie in front of it while we sorted through the big bin of wool socks, hats, gloves, and legwarmers to check for moth damage. We trashed a few socks that had seen better days, sealed a few merino tshirts with pinholes near the hems into a bag to put in the freezer, and the rest of my merino and silk base layers are now airing with the laundry. (Wax only has one base layer, a tshirt I bought her, because she insists she is never cold and doesn't need them.) All our legwarmers escaped unscathed, and there are plenty of wool socks left in the plastic bin, now sealed into it against further moth incursions and put by the shoes.

Today is the last day Wax has to work before her vacation (the first of two shorter ones) starts as well. It's been a pretty long week waiting for that. We have several projects we want to start right away and I'm really excited about stripping and painting our front door.

I got a bee in my bonnet about modifying my dreamwidth layout, which I frequently use from my phone, and digging into css always puts me in a time-devouring vortex. I have made some progress, but I'm starting to think I took the wrong approach and I may need to start over.

Wax and I both tend to kind of ignore presents, for the most part. We share the quality of being able to buy most of the stuff we actually want, which tends to be like things for our hobbies. We also don't attach much sentimentality to them, I guess.

(I like getting presents that are surprises, but not enough to care that much, and also I'm hard to pick things out for, so my sister - the person I talk to about my hobbies and interests the most, because she shares most of them - is the only person who's very well equipped to give me that kind of present, something you like or want enough to be pleased with but not enough to have got it yourself even though it is related to your hobby.)

I'm thinking about this because in Finland, birthdays that are a multiple of 10 are a big deal. My MIL, who was both sweet and thoughtful AND good at organizing and planning, always gave slightly fancier presents for them - in fact she gave me one of my favorite necklaces when I turned 25 and one when I turned 30. The one I got when I turned 35 was even better because it was an heirloom. But on our own, Wax and I tend to consider birthdays just another day. My SIL is just a couple of weeks younger than me, so we've always both just had a birthday when we have a Christmas reunion, and she asked me if Wax got me anything special this time and was a bit shocked that I said no. She asked for a kayak and got one. There's a good spot for it near their house, and they've already been multiple times with rented ones. That's adorable!

This year at Christmas Wax and I bought ourselves:

1. Wax and I get more enjoyment miles, or minutes as it were, out of pajamas than anything else, and we decided a few years ago to get them for each Christmas. But we didn't want to wait to open them at Christmas, so we didn't. (We got two different colors of what we agree is the perfect nightdress: Ristomatti Ratia Adina. )

2. I spent about 75€ on fountain pen stuff (a nice sturdy Twsbi Eco that I could take to work worrying able damaging it, like with my beloved Pelikans which have softer, springy nibs, and a glass dip pen, but I chipped the tip right away), and ordered about the same amount of cake baking stuff for Wax (a mousse ring and a set of piping tips and the plastic reusable foil that you use to line the mousse ring when making mousse cake, all from the delightful posh kitchen store whose invoices tragically DON'T look like wedding invitations anymore, but they sent us a free spongecloth in the last one). But obviously we didn't wrap those things.

3. I was saying we should get something we could stand to wait and open at Christmas, and I happily remembered our Rörstrand Mon Amie mugs - we had two, so I bought us two more, and then when they arrived I reminded Wax that the reason I ordered them was to have something to open on Christmas Eve but she looked at me like that was ridiculous, which, like, it was, so we just used them right away.

4. I also bought the hilariously minimalist Swedish midmod design candleholder Stumpastaken, which holds 9 tealights by default so I've been coveting one to use as a menorah for years. I laugh whenever I look at it - it reminds me of the Bauhaus nativity. For Hanukka, obviously, not birthday or Christmas.

5. Last fall we discussed me ordering a KitchenAid mixer after my first few paychecks, but I kinda rethought it. We have a Kenwood which is, yes, inferior. It's lighter, the body is plastic that's already yellowing, and it's got places you can't clean bread dough out of without taking it apart. It's got attachments that are not stainless or enameled so they can't be washed in the dishwasher. But we use it comparatively little. Wax has gotten really into making cakes and she bakes much more than me these days, but usually with the hand mixer. Since all the Korean and Japanese pastry chefs on YouTube that we follow primarily use hand mixers too, I now feel that this is a legitimate choice. Also if we got one we'd probably have to drive to Turku just to donate the Kenwood.

And I don't really want any more expensive fountain pens right now! I've found my ideal pen in the Pelikan 200/400 series, and I like them so much that I don't want any more pens that aren't piston-fillers, except the Twsbi (for its sturdy hard nib that I'm not afraid of damaging) and a handful of Kaweco Sports, which not only have hard nibs but which I prefer to load with cartridges because they're so small. They're handy to have in the pocket, but I don't want a whole collection of them; if you have a pen inked up and don't use it for a few weeks it'll dry up, which is bad for them.

I would like an endless collection of sweaters, but there's a limit to how fast we can knit, so buying more wool in advance would be silly.