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bad epithets
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aeslis and i were just discussing why i call phrases such as "the other man" and "the green-eyed boy" epithets (or, if i speak about them with their own epithet intact, "bad epithets". it pretty much covers all of them). she hypothesised that it was for a "cim-like reason", which i denied - it has a perfectly logical basis in the analysis of epic poetry! and then, just now, i discovered (look, aes!) the origin of my habit.why are epithets bad all the time?
because they're unnecessary. they aren't unnecessary as in gratifying, the way the cherry on a sundae is unnecessary; they're unnecessary as in gratuitous, the way it is unnecessary to devote an early paragraph of your story to clumsily expositing the whole of canon, or to search out "substitutes" for the verb "to say" such as "questioned" (which means to doubt, not to pose a question, but that's a rant for another day). it looks ridiculous; it causes your readers to cringe in embarrassment on your behalf. you should never do it. not even "the man". no, not even "the blond". not even "his lover". especially not "his lover". if you don't believe me, allow me to assure you that you will understand eventually1.
on the other hand, who doesn't love to mock badfic? to that end, i have been saving examples of bad epithets since i began reading prince of tennis fiction in march. i've read some truly egregious epithets before, particularly at the rodney mckay, angsty goth teenie archive, which is a veritable bottomless treasure trove of badfic; but i've never encountered a fandom like this one for bad epithets. take for example:
The little precocious, burgundy-haired acrobat liked Hyotei’s blue-haired tensai.
in fact, i have saved urls to all these sources, but i felt leaving them anonymous in the post would be more diplomatic.
But as the days turned into weeks turned into months turned into years, the little redhead boy with the permanent bandage as a facial accessory burrowed his way into his heart, turning Oishi’s entire world upside down.
He wondered what brand of shampoo the little prodigy used, then mentally slapped himself for even entertaining such a thought.and
But then again, his noisy libido reminded him, what about the golden-eyed youth didn’t appeal to him?
Ryouma approached Eiji with dread, reluctantly pulling out a long piece of paper from the bundle enclosed in the upperclassman's fist.
For some reason, his lips burned every time the bespectacled teen gave him a kiss, even if it was such a light peck that it could barely even be classified as one.
"Ah.. gonna.." he groaned, his movements becoming erratic, urging himself on, visions of the younger boy's face when he was sprawled breathlessly beneath him almost enough to make the speed ace lose it right then and there.
The taller male hummed low in his throat, pleased that the younger male was responding.
The recent graduate of Seishun Gakuen stayed silent as the older teen took out his cell phone and pressed a button.
Then, the bespectacled teen paused long enough to remove said glasses, placing them somewhere out of reach before burying into the curve of Kaidoh’s warm neck once more.
Right now, nothing can explain the joy that is swimming around in the ice mountain's heart.
The mumbler flicked the note to the other's feet and turned around to head toward his house.
The exact nature of the quest was as of yet unclear to the purple-haired teen.
With that in mind, he raced to where the ball was hit and sent it back, wanting to see what else his red haired love was going to do.
“Yanagi?” Jackal said, not quite sure why Yukimura’s close friend had stopped short of entering the hospital room.
The older was resting partially on top of the younger and the latter sought the other’s hand, finding and squeezing it gently.
The cashier at the front of the Christmas novelty store shot him a dirty look, but the orange-haired volley specialist was too excited to notice.
1. i've discovered recently - to my horror, rather - that i used to use them sometimes too, although only relatively mild ones such as "his lover" and "his friend", as far as i can tell. it seems, regrettably, that almost everyone goes through this phase, so we can sympathise with each other! the important thing is that it remain a phase and that you then outgrow it.
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Sometimes a character doesn't know the other character's name. In that case, something unobtrusive like "the man" or "the maid" is perfect, and there is, in fact, no other choice.
Sometimes using one conveys more than using their name would. If character A is angry with character B, it is entirely acceptable for him to refer to B in narrative as the cunt, the fucker, the bastard, etc.
If I sat around for a bit, I could probably think of other examples as well. but yes, most of the time epithets are horribly misused, break POV, and make the reader cringe in embarrassment when they're not laughing their head off. But there are times when you can and should use them.
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