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Cimorene ([personal profile] cimorene) wrote2005-04-19 01:27 pm
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homesickness and home, and alabama

i don't remember who it was who was talking about the different ways of feeling your "home".  no, you know, i think it was probably [livejournal.com profile] wayfairer.  she's a transplanted southerner like myself and i often identify strongly with the posts she makes on the subject, or at least feel strong emotional responses to them.  in one sense, alabama was never a home to me.  i was making fun of people's accents and poor grammar at the age of seven, when i hadn't even lived in the pancreas of dixie (as daddy so delightfully puts it) for six months. 

but in a way that i didn't even begin to dimly realise until i was at least fifteen or so, alabama has grown into my heart as a physical place and will always be home.  the landscape, the weather, the flora are all home to me. 

every time i return from a trip, when i reach the area, it's like my entire body lets out a metaphysical breath i haven't known i was holding.  when i flew home from college, it would start to happen at the north carolina or atlanta layover, where i was hearing southern accents.  when i flew back from six weeks in japan, it happened at the first airport where the ratio of black to white people went up to the about 50/50 that feels "normal" to me.  when perry and i drove home from texas last summer, it happened about midway through louisiana, as the landscape gradually turned hilly, wooded, green and lush. 

i get little cravings for the carpets of fallen magnolia leaves, the big white and pink azalea bushes, the clusters of irises and daffodils, the sun-baked lawns of the public schools near my house, the winding hilly roads where you never see around the corner because the roads are lined with trees, the living blankets of kudzu. 

finland is both hilly and heavily forested, and the forests are a nice mix of evergreen and deciduous.  it's nice that i don't feel like i'm going to fall off the ground into the sky, like i tend to do out on the prairie.  but i wonder if i'll ever get over this.
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[identity profile] phineasjones.livejournal.com 2005-04-19 12:50 pm (UTC)(link)
you have made me start singing the indigo girls tune about the southland in the springtime. :)

i wonder if it's something you really want to get over. i mean, you've made a very beautiful description, and that kind of achey nostalgia can be a lovely feeling. also, to identify any place as home, even if it's not where you are, seems comforting to me.

[identity profile] cimness.livejournal.com 2005-04-19 01:07 pm (UTC)(link)
i want to get over it only because i want to feel at home here. and right now what i feel is NOT at home here. i feel cut off from home, kinda alienated.

[identity profile] norah.livejournal.com 2005-04-19 06:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Eventually you ... well, you don't get "over" it. New places start to feel like home, though, and then you end up with multiple "homes" - I feel "at home" in Santa Cruz, CA, Tianjin, China, Napa, CA, Portland, OR, Vallejo, CA....

[identity profile] cimness.livejournal.com 2005-04-19 06:50 pm (UTC)(link)
dude, you're not THAT old. o.0 how long have you lived in those places?

[identity profile] norah.livejournal.com 2005-04-19 06:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Napa: 17 years. China: 1.5 years, at a v. formative age. Portland: 8 years. Santa Cruz: 4+ years. Vallejo only 1 year, but my parents live there and I really like the town.

[identity profile] cimness.livejournal.com 2005-04-20 05:14 am (UTC)(link)
well, i guess if it's at a formative age then that counts. although i lived in upstate new york for three years when i was 4-7, and i don't even remember really clearly what it looks like, let alone feel at home there. but then, i have a notoriously poor memory.

i haven't really had long enough to settle into any other place after i moved away from my parents, i guess.

[identity profile] norah.livejournal.com 2005-04-20 05:19 am (UTC)(link)
China was where I lived when I left my parents' house and before I went to college. It didn't feel like home at first, but I kept going away and coming back to it...

Then again, it's probably changed so much by now that it would feel strange to me. You can't go home again...and yet.

[identity profile] cimness.livejournal.com 2005-04-20 05:30 am (UTC)(link)
you can't go home to people or households, or even cities, but the weather and the landscape can't have changed all THAT much. well, okay, i guess technically the landscape could have been totally demolished by new construction or a drought or something, but that doesn't seem that likely.

[identity profile] louiselux.livejournal.com 2005-04-19 08:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Your description of the things you miss.. it made me feel nostalgic for something I've never even known, if you see what I mean.

[identity profile] cimness.livejournal.com 2005-04-20 05:12 am (UTC)(link)
well... i think i might. :) thank you, anyway.