Is it or isn't it normal to not like your friends?

[cimorene]

So I'm watching Julie & Julia even though it's not my type of thing because I love Amy Adams and Meryl Streep, and this dialogue happened:

AMY (Julie): What do you think it means if you don't like your friends?
the divine MARY LYN RAJSKUB (her friend Sarah): It's completely normal.

My initial reaction is "What? No." To me, if you don't like them, they aren't your friends! But then, I'm an introvert, and I also am a bit of a misanthrope. (Also I do remember being in high school and there were girls in my clique that I hung out with, and whose lives I was obliged to keep up with and show interest in, whom I didn't really like. But that's, you know, HIGH SCHOOL.)

But I was talking to my little sister yesterday and she is NOT a total misanthrope who never made a friend IRL who didn't do all the work for her (which I am), although she's a bit shy. And she said after a year in college she's made four friends but she isn't really sure she likes any of them.

So... maybe that IS true. What do you say?

Poll #8260 wilbur & wilmer (these poll results are anonymized: no one can see who chose what)

This poll is anonymous.
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 60

It's normal to not like your friends, sure.

View Answers

No. If you don't like them they aren't your friends.
37 (61.7%)

For SOME of your friends, but not your important ones.
12 (20.0%)

It was in high school but it isn't in the real world.
6 (10.0%)

No, we call that 'pretending to be friends'!
30 (50.0%)

Sure. Of course it is. Totally normal.
3 (5.0%)

You mean there are people who like all of their friends?!
4 (6.7%)

Yes it is, but only in meatspace. Thank Bob for the Internet.
4 (6.7%)

Completely normal IRL and on the Internet. That's what talking behind their back is for.
1 (1.7%)

Feel free to elaborate in the comments.

Comments

[torachan]

I don't understand the point of friends if you don't like them. Are people so desperate to not be alone that they would rather do things with people they don't like? idgi

[cimorene]

Exactly. There are people that I actually DO like that I don't expend the effort to maintain social ties with, so why would I spend that effort on people I don't?

[laurajv]

Often because it's no additional effort, really. You are going to see these people anyway for some reason. Like, when i played rugby, the whole team was going to be around at social events, and you end up riding in a car for four hours going to a match with people.

The Julie situation is one of those things where you get stuck in a habit and can't think yourself out of the rut. In that case I think a lot of the time it's something like "well, I no longer like them, but we've been friends forever and I don't want to hurt them".

[torachan]

Well, for me, spending time with someone is an effort, period. Even if I do really like them. And the effort is multiplied by how many people there are. It's not like spending time with one person is the same mental energy as spending time with five people.

[cimorene]

Me too, totally. I can't stand parties (where 'party' is a gathering larger than like a small movie-watching party with a couple of friends or includes any strangers). It's quite hard to explain this to people who don't feel that way though. How could Wax and I NOT want a wedding? Wouldn't we regret it? ...Regret what, a year or so of planning-induced stress headaches followed by a long party where we'd have to TALK TO TONS OF PEOPLE? Not likely! XD

[laurajv]

Oh, I'm a major-league introvert, and spending time with anyone is effort for me, and very draining. But I'm talking about situations where, aside from doing something like "leave your church" or "stop playing team sports" or "move out of your dorm" or "never go to your brother's bbqs", you're going to be interacting with these people no matter _what_.

Like, I played rugby. There were about 30 women I had to interact with, a minimum of three times a week, six months out of the year. It wasn't extra effort to see one of them that I happen not to like: it was going to happen unless one of us stopped playing. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about -- many, many people have "friends" from situations like this, because "friends" is the shortest way to describe the relationship a lot of the time. (In the case of team sports, you can often go with "teammate", but say I was talking to someone that I don't want particularly want to explain rugby to -- what am I gonna call those folks? "Women I spend at least 10 hours a week with and know way too many details of their lives"? :D )

[cimorene]

I guess that makes sense. Lucky thing I moved far far away from everybody I ever knew then...