cimorene

i was thinking of going back to the scene-by-scene method with this episode, but i didn't because "mirror, mirror" is one of the most famous and most important (and best, actually) episodes. so again you get a full recap.

KIRK, MCCOY, UHURA and SCOTTY are beaming back up--during a magnetic storm (did you catch that? it's important. MAGNETIC)--from a hippie planet that doesn't want to trade its dilithium crystals (the fuel that powers a starship's warp drive, for those of you who haven't been following along at home).

they are greeted by this.

SPOCK with a beard and a gold sash over a rather opulent silk uniform, doing the nazi salute. there are some techs in the room doing the salute too.

they look down at themselves and discover that they are wearing uniforms that match SPOCK's. most notably KIRK's fetching green wrap tunic has turned into an even more fetching metallic gold wrap vest, and uhura's minidress has turned into a kind of bikini with thigh-high stiletto boots.

here, have another look at uhura and her abs. oh yes. thank you, MLKJR, for convincing nichelle nichols not to quit this show.

what? oh yeah. the plot. so it's clear they're on some kind of evil nazi ship, from the small talk and the fact that SPOCK's first act is to demand the transporter tech hand over his "agoniser", a red button clipped to his belt. the guy begs him not to but SPOCK puts it on his chest and he screams and convulses. in agony.

our heroes are smart enough not to protest, however. next SPOCK asks how it went on the planet and KIRK says no change.

then he says it was a rough beam-up and MCCOY should look them over, and the four travellers retire to the infirmary. maybe if their atoms have been scrambled MCCOY will just scowl and yell until they rearrange themselves to his liking.

then after they're gone, the camera takes a long loving moment to pan over SPOCK's face with its beard and dramatic lighting. the usual earth+laurel wreath seal of the united federation of planets has turned into an earth impaled on a knife, which is suitably bloodthirsty but perhaps wasn't entirely thought out. aren't they trying to suggest the evil!federation is still ruled by earth, and in that case wouldn't earth be wielding the dagger?

our good guys have a council of war and quickly establish that they are in a parallel universe. KIRK asks the computer if it's possible that operating a transporter in a magnetic storm caused it and the computer says yes instead of "hey, anything's possible". then he asks it if they can use just the ship's systems to reproduce the effect artificially and the computer says yes again. he tells it to print him up a recipe in imperial measurements (fitting, right?) and preferably scottish dialect, since it's going to be scotty who does all the work.

it starts printing immediately, which begs all kinds of questions about how smart their computers are that we're not even going to get into.

meanwhile, they have to try to blend in. KIRK assigns UHURA the role of intelligence officer. she's supposed to go over the last day's communications and find out what their mission is.

when he comes to the bridge, KIRK has already mastered the nazi salute. UHURA tells him his orders are to kill everyone on the planet if they refuse to hand over the dilithium. like, yesterday.

then KIRK takes his chair and SULU, adorned with a really dodgy scar down the whole right side of his face, says he has the phasers ready and locked on target, but KIRK tells him not to fire. the atmosphere is tense and everyone is obviously very surprised, but KIRK maintains a fairly good impassive face. when SPOCK arrives and questions him as well he gets a little short.

then he leaves for another universe-refugees' meeting.

on the way, CHEKOV hijacks the turbolift and has two goons jump KIRK. while KIRK is beating them both up, CHEKOV explains loudly that he will be one step closer to the captaincy when KIRK is dead and that no one would question his assassination after he has disobeyed orders.

a third goon helps KIRK win and two more friendlies show up. they kill the goons and ask KIRK if they should take CHEKOV to "the booth". he says yes, and fingers his split lip meaningfully.

then KIRK drops by the universe-refugees' meeting. they share horror stories about the brutality of their host universe.

SCOTTY says the transporter modifications will have to be balanced precisely for four people and they will have a limited time window to make the trip. everything will be ready in a few hours. the only problem is his security bypass will show up as a warning light on SULU's console.

KIRK: as the captain, i couldn't just order SULU out of his seat to do something for me. so UHURA will have to provide a distraction.

then they wonder how their evil counterparts are faring in the good universe.

switch to the good universe, where we see some redshirts throwing a crazy kicking-and-screaming KIRK in a holding cell. he plasters himself against the forcefield with a sleazy smile and tries to bribe SPOCK into letting him out.

KIRK: come on, spock, what is it that you want? you want money? fame? you want to be on top? WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, SPOCK? WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?

SPOCK: fascinating.

SPOCK strolls out.

back in the mirror universe, SPOCK and KIRK watch CHEKOV being tortured in "the booth" for a minute, but quickly get bored of his screams of agony. SPOCK notes that he deserves death, but KIRK orders him confined to quarters.

in the hallway, SPOCK hints that KIRK has been acting strange.

SPOCK: look, i don't want to be captain.
KIRK, flirtatiously: oh?
SPOCK: i like serving under you, especially in bed. and also, i wouldn't have as much time for science and recreational reading if i were the captain.
KIRK: great, so we have the perfect arrangement. of course i already knew that.
SPOCK: well, my point is this: you could get in serious trouble, whatever the fuck you're planning, and if you think you're going to put my ass on the line too you've got another think coming.

KIRK, with a totally besotted smile: that's my vulcan!

KIRK returns to his room, thinking so intently about SPOCK's goatee that at first he doesn't notice the HO in his bed.

HO: hi there. i heard about how you didn't obliterate the civilisation on the planet yet. are you up to something?
KIRK: yeah.
HO: well, i'm your ho. welcome to your quarters, let me get you a drink and explain how the entire ship works.
KIRK: go on.
HO: oh, okay. allow me to tell you your life story.

KIRK's communicator: brrrring! brrrrring!
KIRK: jim's house of pizza. what can i get you?
SPOCK: captain, starfleet command just called and ordered me to assassinate you tomorrow morning if you haven't obliterated that hippie civilisation by then. are we still on for dinner and drinks? oh, and don't tell anyone i told you about that.

KIRK: uh, thanks. listen, about the drinks, i'd love to, but i have this secret meeting. i mean, uh, i don't feel so good, so i think i'll just lie here and let my ho make me some soup.
SPOCK: cool. ciao.
KIRK: love y--
SPOCK: *has hung up*
HO: well, time to kill him i guess.
KIRK: nah, i know he loves me, he doesn't have to say it every time we hang up.
HO: well, should i at least open the secret wall panel, revealing your secret device?
KIRK: yeah, might as well.
HO: it's pretty cool that i'm the only one who knows that the secret of your success is this dinky TV screen embedded in the wall of your quarters. you just ask it where someone is, it shows this little security camera image--
DINKY TV SCREEN: *shows a picture of SPOCK*
SPOCK: *plays solitaire*

HO: --and then i just push this button, and it kills him! shall i?
KIRK: NO!
KIRK yanks the HO violently away from the DINKY TV SCREEN and closes the secret wall panel. then he and the HO have drinks.

HO: did i mention that life for women in this evil federation kind of sucks? i seem to be sort of a slave and i derive my status entirely from whatever kind of evil schmuck i'm dating.
KIRK: honey, you can be anything you want to be.
HO: you are so strange today. are you on uppers?

KIRK: shit. *kisses her*

it's time for UHURA to create her distraction, almost time for them to go. she cozies up to SULU in his chair and informs him that all the millions of times she's laughed his overbearing ass out of the house were simply playing hard-to-get. he should try another pickup line.

SULU, demonstrating all the grace, charm and people skills of a dead squid, stands up and squeezes her really tightly. seriously, they'd both have to crane their necks back if they did want to kiss.

UHURA waits till the light stops blinking, then shoves him away.

UHURA: oops, changed my mind again.
SULU: you take a lot of risks!

he tries to lunge at her but UHURA, in one of the sexiest moments in decades of sf television, whips a little silver stiletto out of the top of her boot, which is to say, her upper thigh under the hem of her skirt.

UHURA: so do you, mister. so do you.

with the knife still drawn, she backs into the turbolift.

KIRK is in the transporter room, fiddling with settings, and SPOCK comes in with drawn phaser.

SPOCK: step away from the console, pretty boy. all four of you from the away team have been acting like kindergartners in your first school play since you got back from the planet and i want to know what's up. and what's so important that you're gonna skip dinner with me?
KIRK: hey, c'mon, it's just a new support group, we're about to meet in sickbay. want to come?
SPOCK: hands where i can see 'em.

SPOCK takes KIRK to sickbay at gunpoint. UHURA, SCOTTY and MCCOY are waiting for him there and it takes all of them to knock him unconscious. in fact, i'm kind of surprised they manage since we all know that vulcans have seven times human strength.

SCOTTY: okay, we've got six minutes to beam out of here and i calculate it will take us four to walk to the transporter room, and one to talk about irrelevant things first.
MCCOY: in that case, i would like to use the next 59.9 seconds healing SPOCK. he might die otherwise.
KIRK: and how do you plan to budget that time?
MCCOY: i was thinking that for 59 seconds i'd wave this little plastic scanner cylinder around to give more brain cells the chance to die, and then at literally the last second i'll give him the injection that's actually going to save him.
KIRK: cool.

SULU bursts through the door with some goons.

SULU: i thought i'd do CHEKOV's plan again since it worked so well for him, only i picked a time when you have backup. i plan to make it look like you and SPOCK killed each other.
UHURA: no one would believe that! look at them, even in this godforsaken universe they're sickeningly sweet. they can't even hold each other at gunpoint without flirting.
SULU and his goons: *attack*
SULU and his goons: *pop out of existence one by one*

(a quick scene shift shows us that the HO is back in KIRK's quarters using KIRK's secret weapon to zap them.)

KIRK: wow, convenient. so... let's go to the transporter room, huh?
MCCOY: you guys go on ahead, even though since you can't leave without me that won't actually save any time. i'm sure nothing bad could happen to me in a universe like this.
KIRK: okay. bye!

KIRK, SCOTTY and UHURA leave.

SPOCK wakes up.

SPOCK: okay, for the last time, what the hell is going on and why did jim stand me up for dinner?
MCCOY: he did?
SPOCK gets off the bed, grabs MCCOY and shoves him against the wall, then puts his hand on MCCOY's face for a meld.

meanwhile, in the transporter room, the HO shows up.

HO: take me with you!
KIRK: sorry, can't. besides, you were going to kill spock.
HO: *pulls a phaser and points it at KIRK* look, i'm sick of this goddamned universe and its slavery and endless abdomen-baring outfits, and if i have to shoot all your buddies to get out, i will.

UHURA: i don't think so, bitch.

UHURA disarms the HO quickly and holds a phaser on her.

SCOTTY: oops, there was a short and nothing's broken except the ten-second timer function. someone will have to stay behind.
HO: cool, that means i can come.
UHURA: am i going to have to smack a bitch?
SCOTTY: i'll do it.
KIRK: no, i'll do it.
SCOTTY: okay.

SPOCK, in the doorway: no, i'll do it. would you people get the hell out of here already?

KIRK: wait! spock! have you ever considered that evil is illogical?
SPOCK: ...are *you* actually trying to tell *me* about logic?
KIRK: no, it is. evil is wasteful! coercion is inefficient! when we're gone, you can start a revolution!
SPOCK: okay, whatever.

they go back to the right universe. KIRK settles in on the bridge.

MCCOY: i liked him with a beard.

KIRK: it was pretty cute, but all i could think was "genital beard burn", and ew.
SPOCK: we had a pretty easy time while you were gone. the evil versions of you just acted idiotic and illogical. it wasn't even that out of character.