Turns out last week was my last week at work. I had been planning from the beginning to simply renew the work practice for as long again (at past practices that step has always been a mere formality), so I hadn't packed up my stuff to leave or thought about it seriously, in spite of posting here about how maybe I should look for a new placement, because I liked the store and DON'T like getting used to new places... and I also completely failed to remember that I wasn't supposed to work Monday. The first practice period ended and we hadn't signed a contract for a new one yet, so I couldn't anyway - insurance and so on. Showed up at 8:15 as usual and had to wait for the meeting at 11:30.
Ironically, I was still mentally exhausted enough due to working too much to fail to take time to stop and plan things properly, which resulted in setting my alarms the same as always on autopilot Sunday night even though I was also considering, in a separate brain compartment, a desire to be done there.
To wit, it was over a month ago when the
'trying to switch to evening shift' thing happened and I discovered the bus schedule wouldn't line up to make the commute work if I wanted to stay later than like, six pm. In retrospect, that was when I mentally was like "Okay NO" and, if not for emotional attachment and hesitancy making decisions, I might have just quit then and called my couselor to find a new placement right away - I even recorded in that linked journal entry that the evening before I had tried to find a summer job here in town instead (failed though because the summer job application season was past).
( But that wasn't even the only problem... )It was my decision to end it rather than ask for fewer hours, by the way! There were some papers to go through and the counselor and manager and I discussed the commute, the physical demands of the job, and exactly how tired out I was getting, and they both agreed with me without any friction about it or anything, and the manager and I bid each other a friendly farewell.
Okay, now those things aside, there are two other things I've been trying to mentally chew over ever since the meeting on Monday.
The first is that the manager said it was obvious and clear to everyone when I was overtired, and that it's important that I become 'braver' and tell my supervisor things like that at my next job. She added that I didn't have to tell her if she was absent/too busy, but there was the assistant manager or any of my coworkers.
*-*-*Culture Barrier Time!*-*-*
( Read more... )"Maybe you should try to work on that yourself [more bravely raising issues with your supervisor]," she finished. And like...
- That's probably true, but how DO you work on that? Don't you have to have a manager to practice on...?
- Big words from someone who is always too busy to be talked to and has created an environment where that's also true of all their underlings 🤨
But the other thing she said at the end is the one that I'm the most spun around about, because like, okay. We agreed when we signed the contract at our meeting before the work practice began that I would go through the store's cashier training and do some time in the cash register. I wasn't REALLY looking forward to it - I kind of enjoy operating a cash register a little, the flow of it and all that, but the quantity of customers isn't my favorite and it's more mentally draining having so many customer service interactions; however, since I speak Swedish and English, this skill is a selling point in retail, and I got experience for it at Kontti. Anyway, there was a TON of stuff you have to do before you can work the register there - a bunch of online classes and then little study sessions live with a coworker instructing you around the store, cramming background knowledge about the different product types, the return policies, etc, etc, only after she told me we would be able to get around to having a day where we could start practicing being in the register together... the assistmant manager kind of... dropped that. I mean literally just DID NOT MENTION IT AGAIN.
Soooo I was dealing with anxiety about that the entire time. What if due to a cultural difference, boss and assistant manager were expecting ME to take the initiative to make this happen in some specific way - SECRET specific way, but what? By demanding it? or doing something else, to make it possible? or nagging about it? I couldn't figure it out. And I was afraid that they were judging me inadequate because I failed to figure out whatever it was I was supposed to do and I was halfway convinced they were mad about it. At the same time, I was kind of relieved not to have to spend time in the register, because I was already feeling socially overloaded without it by the time I finished the online courses.
WELL, at the meeting - towards the END! - she comes out with "Remember when you were doing the cashier training program with the assistant manager?" Uh, do I REMEMBER it?! "She said she couldn't put you in the cash register because your Finnish wasn't good enough, maybe you should have some more language immersion? Because it doesn't come fast enough without hesitations. And she just didn't dare put you there, because what if some angry customer comes there in a rage, you have to be able to withstand that, and you would just fall apart. You're sensitive."
I mean I didn't really know what to... say? And I just kind of nodded and was like "Hm!"
But like... holy shit?
- I've had customers talking at me in a rage a couple of times, and I did not fall apart. But also it's not like that happens constantly
- I was put in the register at Kontti because they thought my Finnish was fluent enough to be in the register and I worked there doing that for like a year without any Customers in a Rage problems? My main problem was my feet hurting. That and social overstimulation.
- Um, am I sensitive? Kinda, yeah, but not the kind of sensitive person that collapses in a heap from being yelled at, nor have I BEEN yelled at, nor indeed collapsed in any way shape or form, for any reason, while at this store. I'm honestly a bit baffled. I did cry when my cat died? When someone says something that pisses me off I am known to have my face go briefly blank and nod because it takes a while to formulate a polite response, and assistant manager triggered that a couple times but it wasn't a time when I was supposed to say anything at all anyway, so it's not like it would have created a problem? Like we're talking cases where in Alabama the expected response would've been 'Yes, ma'am' - did she want me to say something besides 'Right/Okay' to a simple directive (that pissed me off)? Or did she get the idea somewhere else?
- It's not really a big problem in customer interactions, in my experience, if I have to stop and say 'um' while coming up with a word, even if it embarrasses me because I had a long time of always being fast, verbose and reputedly flawless at language usage before I started trying to master foreign languages as a teenager. But I'm pretty used to communicating with customers with imperfect Finnish and it isn't particularly slow and it's only been a problem like, twice in the four months I was there? But also, I... don't think I am all that hesitant about Finnish. I mean there are pauses while I search for a word sometimes, but the kind of interactions where people are asking you to explain something are much more common on the floor, where I was, than in the register, where they mostly want to buy things and return things.
So... like... I don't know! Maybe she DID just hate me? I thought about texting my Finnish friend who's an ex-coworker, and with whom I worked in the register plenty. But I realized I didn't even have to because my managers at Kontti saw me in the register themselves. If they thought it was a problem, they would've taken me out of it, and they didn't. It's perhaps more likely that this assistant manager has a mistaken idea of how, idk, sensitive... and shy... I am, possibly because like... um... I never really talked TO HER, because she was projecting a VERY strong aura of Not Having Time To Talk To You AT ALL TIMES. There was one coworker I had a few conversations with, and another who I talked to a tiny bit, but I never really did with her because. That. And also she did piss me off a few times, unlike them. And maybe the big boss took her opinion and was like "Yeah, she cried that time about her cat, and she did look really tired, it would make sense if she's really sensitive and fragile"???
I'm still curious but ultimately I guess I'm... mostly relieved to be done there. There's a certain impulse to be offended, and also to figure out what happened, but not enough to investigate. I should just be relieved I can put them in the 'not going to see them anymore, don't have to worry what they think of me' pile and move on.