cimorene: (is this thing on?)
Cimorene ([personal profile] cimorene) wrote2017-04-17 01:56 pm
Entry tags:

When your coming out conversation incurs a subsequent tribute of flattery or chocolate

Two separate coworkers to whom I came out in conversation in the last month at the Red Cross have subsequently, the next day, gone out of their way to be nice to me. My theory is that this is a socially competent person's gesture to show they're not homophobic and regret the awkwardness.

I posted about them both on Tumblr at the time:

  1. A 40s/50s mideastern immigrant, one of those guys who's friendly to literally every human being he ever encounters and makes friends in the space of 5-10 seconds and basically everyone describes him as 'a good guy' stopped me when I said "My wife -"

    with "Wife? Really? WIFE?" and then stared at me in confusion for a while, unsure if I said 'wife' on purpose or due to error, and ultimately asked me, but not without apologizing first, "Your wife... a man?"

    "No, my wife is a woman," I said cheerfully, and then he apologized again and said "Good, good!"

    The next day he came to find me in the morning and opened with "I just wanted to talk to you for a bit," and we exchanged extra-polite and extra-bonhomous smalltalk for 5 minutes or so.

  2. A few days later, speaking English with a Finnish young man who is addicted to gaming and attributes his English skills to that, I dropped a casual "My wife" again.

    "You have a wife? You have a WIFE! Nice! That explains a lot actually!" he said.

    I think he was a little surprised that this reaction made me dissolve in laughter. "Explains what?" I said, and he gave an up-and-down gesture at my entire person, finishing with a flourish at my head. "My hair?" I said, laughing even harder.

    The next day he popped out of nowhere when I was working at my station and not on break or anything, asked if I was allergic to chocolate (no), then handed me a candybar with, "Do you want this? It's 'on me'" (with audible ironic quotes, haha), and then breezed away again while I called after him, "Thanks!"

A few thoughts about this.

In the first place, it's quite effective. As funny as these moments were at the time - nice but funny! - of course both dudes have correctly divined that you do always have a little bit of that worry when you have to come out, no matter how many times you've done it, or how friendly the person otherwise seemed. So it's a good socially adept solution, and indirect even if it is fairly obvious.

Secondly, the frequency with which these coming-out conversations hit that awkward note. Mostly one can put this down to heteronormativity and heteronormative assumptions, probably. In the second case, I guess my presentation is slightly butcher than I realized, maybe? Not that that offends me. I've had plenty of coming-out conversations, including in Finnish, including ones with casually dropping 'my wife' in conversation like the above, that have gone smoothly, or completely without comment. Those are usually with women, though, maybe?

And finally, I could stand to receive more "Sorry-If-I-Kinda-Flubbed-Your-Coming-Out-Moment" chocolate ("Sorry-If-I-Offended-You-With-My-Gender-Comments" chocolate?). Like, for a moment that size, a chocolate bar combined with no repeat performance seems like a perfectly good tradeoff, and who doesn't like free chocolate? It would be great if that was just the widely socially-accepted fee. And the super-friendly conversation was equally acceptable, if not equally chocolatey. I mean, flattery is always nice, and friendly conversation is always welcome when your coworkers across the aisle insist on turning down the radio so low that you're forced to pretty much work in silence most of the time. (You probably have to have those extra-special like God-Tier friendliness skills to pull off that method successfully, though.)
bayleaf: Fall-colored leaves on the ground, Oh my god, i totallly got a tattoo of my icon BY ACCIDENT, didn't I. (Default)

[personal profile] bayleaf 2017-04-17 02:34 pm (UTC)(link)
I enjoy these stories, so cute. However, I would like to point out the world owes me a significant debt in OH, YOU'RE GAY?! apology chocolate. I'm sure it will start rolling in any day now. :waits patiently:
phosfate: (Default)

[personal profile] phosfate 2017-04-17 02:51 pm (UTC)(link)
I approve of this new tradition of coming-out chocolate. "The machine only had Snickers. Lesbians like Snickers, right?"
krait: a sea snake (krait) swimming (Default)

[personal profile] krait 2017-04-17 04:23 pm (UTC)(link)
I think the dude-versus-lady thing might be part of it. (Dudes generally seem more willing to burst out with how surprised they are at room-reaching volume; women are more likely to feel that, if a scene was wanted, you'd make it yourself.)

Love the idea of Sorry I Goofed Chocolate! I'd definitely support chocolate bars as the widely-acknowledged fee for all 'sorry I goofed up my response to your not-actually-that-shocking statement' moments. :D (I must admit, however, that my support has ulterior motives. If this became a thing, I'd have a lot of chocolate from people whose reactions to I plan not to have children were exceedingly goofy.)
krait: chibi Soubi (Loveless) whistling smugly (smug Soubi)

[personal profile] krait 2017-04-18 12:32 am (UTC)(link)
Probably. I cherish hopes that my own outraged face will make them realise, however. :D

And hey, the upside is that if even if one person in ten is self-aware enough to realize they goofed, I'd still have several chocolate bars...
brownbetty: (Default)

[personal profile] brownbetty 2017-04-17 05:28 pm (UTC)(link)
This seems brilliant. I mean, we probably all are occasionally weird at people who do not deserve it, and a nice way of acknowledging culpability without making it weirder/about us would go a ways toward smoothing it out.
msilverstar: (dom dork)

[personal profile] msilverstar 2017-04-18 05:21 am (UTC)(link)
How I wish I'd thought of this in my recent-ish my-foot-in-mouth-I'm-sorry situation. My office has piles of candy though.
buddleia: (Default)

[personal profile] buddleia 2017-04-18 08:20 pm (UTC)(link)
I love the idea of excuse my assumptions chocolate.
cesy: "Cesy" - An old-fashioned quill and ink (Default)

[personal profile] cesy 2017-04-18 09:04 pm (UTC)(link)
I love the idea of Sorry I Goofed chocolate.