if not now, when

[cimorene]

Put in an application for Finnish citizenship last October, so that I could 1. vote in national elections 2. use the EU passport line while traveling in the EU and 3. do all my paperwork online at the employment bureau in future. They've been understandably swamped, but yesterday I got a text message that they needed further documents so I scanned some tax returns and forwarded some of Wax's old payslips and then I woke up this morning to give Snookums his insulin to a text message from the Immigration Ministry that there was a new judgment waiting for me to log in! So of course I panicked, took twice as long as usual to eat breakfast and then dithered about drinking a second cup of tea until Wax finished work. And then I took a benzo so that I would stop panicking enough to read the decision.

Okay so sidenote. Taking a benzo. They are fast-acting, quickly metabolized, in general, albeit not all identical to each other, which was why the Klonopin I took to sleep and to calm down enough to leave my apartment sophomore year of college just resulted in me dozing through almost every Logic 101 lecture. Not great for my ultimate grade in there, though for the parts I did witness, the lectures were fun even when they were above my head! Later they gave me Xanax, which I used more infrequently, typically when I was having limited-symptom anxiety attacks, and then more recently switched to a third kind which as far as I can tell is just like the others except that it doesn't ALWAYS make me fall asleep promptly, sometimes it just makes me relaxed enough that I feel a little bit sleepy. (Whereas a lot of times a full Xanax would just irresistably lead to napping.)

But with these benzos, there's a sweet spot when they start to work and before the sleepiness really builds up to threatening naptime, when I feel so relieved - I mean technically relaxed, but it's mostly just a relief because usually I'm so anxious - that I'm almost mildly dissociating, or like starting to get tipsy from wine but just giggly, not dizzy.

Do you ever hit the supreme calm state with a benzo, before the impulse to nap rises up and grabs you, and think "Is this what it's like to be neurotypical? Are people who don't have anxiety just walking around like this, only without the warning to not drive or operate heavy machinery?"

I wonder that every time.

Anyway, then I opened the message and I did get citizenship. It's not REALLY a surprise. I've lived here 18 years, I've studied both the official languages, I have been somewhat gainfully employed, I've voted in local elections. But it's still worthy of mild celebration. Now I have to join the miles-long queue to get a Finnish passport and update my ID card (this system is somewhat overrun currently with identity documents for refugees, as we share a big border with Russia and one with Estonia and are settling a pretty massive influx of Ukrainians).

Comments

[stranger]

Congratulations! More paperwork is of course a pain, but you're a step closer to getting it started and then done. Best luck for it to go smoothly, however slow.

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

"Is this what it's like to be neurotypical? Are people who don't have anxiety just walking around like this, only without the warning to not drive or operate heavy machinery?"

I ask myself this question EVERY TIME I have 1 to 2 beers. I say 'this is what it must feel like to be normal and go about life feeling like a competent human being and not a walking waste of DNA, that must be awesome!'

Congrats on citizenship! Will there be a ceremony?

[cimorene]

Hahah, no! I think Finns might be the least cermonial people on Earth, and if there were one I'd feel weird because of having waited 18 years. And 13 years after we got married.

I'm trying to imagine what it would look like actually, a Finnish ceremony, and I can't really. Maybe someone dressed in business casual would read a list of names with an absolute deadpan face and then the named people would come up to a window, show ID and receive a paper. Finnish culture would suggest accepting the paper deadpan but would also permit a smile and a brief "thank you".

But I'm pretty sure that as it is, if you need to prove it you order the paper online and download it or get it in the mail (paying extra for the cost of having it stamped or whatever).

[boxofdelights]

Ha! Me too. Except wine not beer. It is amazing that I have not become an alcoholic.

[pensnest]

Congratulations on being officialised!

[viggorlijah]

Congratulations! It’s a big of quiet change - you’re Finnish now.

And yes, when I’d been on my anxiety meds for a couple of weeks, I woke up one day and went wtf regular people feel this way all the time?! Like getting shoes that fit and not having to hobble.

[princessofgeeks]

Massive congratulations! HURRAY

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Yeah, it's weird. When I worked with co-workers who drank, I drank, usually after work, but when I switched jobs and co-workers, I just dropped it. And now, about a hundred years later, I am ALWAYS surprised by the buzz. I drink so rarely. I should drink more :) I always think that, too. 'oh, this is why there are so many functioning alcoholics about, this is GREAT!'

[niqaeli]

Yay citizenship! Congrats and I hope the rest of the paperwork goes smoothly.

[torachan]

Congrats!

[cimorene]

That happens to me occasionally, but other times I just get hung up on the taste and wanting to go back to a cup of tea. To drink the cocktails I like I'd have to be constantly juicing fresh citrus and there'd need to be all this fizzy water, but as soon as we buy a bottle of fizzy water Wax drinks it all.

[cimorene]

I have a pretty high dose of SSRI but it doesn't really make me feel un-anxious, so I really only get that when I have a benzo I guess. Actually I know they DO prescribe benzos regularly for day use sometimes, but I don't think I could cope with the sleepiness. (See above re: falling asleep in lectures.) So my psychiatrist has instead just sort of prescribed that I take one in advance when something I'm anxious about is going to happen, or when I'm feeling a spike of anxiety for some unknown reason. So I've never experienced like... background relief like that.

[vass]

Oh good, congrats on your citizenship and good luck for the queue.

[laurenthemself]

I'm afraid that these days I only take the occasional diazepam at night and that's in combination with agomelatine, lamotrigine, and quetiapine, so I get the calm quiet mind for a few minutes before sleep hits.

I'm pleased that you got the citizenship and wave a pompom sedately in your honour.

[eve_n_furter]

Congratulations!

[cimorene]

It is a very nice way to fall asleep, comparatively speaking!