cimorene

well, so, i stayed up until three trying to read econ. it got somewhat better, but i stopped being able to process the sentences. so then i went to bed and didn't sleep and didn't sleep and woke wax even though we're actually in different beds. i just kissed her forehead. geez. (different--singles, a bed and a cot, pushed next to each other, mine about four inches higher. and more comfortable.) around four we admitted we were awake. she got in bed with me and cuddled me until we were both hot, or i should say, let me cuddle her, because it's easier for me to wrap around her in more ways than one. then she moved to my great disappointment and i slept easily until eleven and then napped almost another hour.

between three and four i had the oddest panic attack. in fact i still feel odd. it wasn't a real panic attack, even on my usual levels, but my brain was running in stressy circles and getting rather depressed. in my present state, 'rather depressed' is still not very depressed but it was alarming as i haven't experienced real stress in so long that i had forgotten what my reactions to it are. i was like, 'what is this?'

i'm feeling somewhat alienated in finland too. these places are familiar to me, now, but there isn't as much sunshine and fresh produce as i have become dependent on in my time in texas. the weenie little grocery store has you sack your own stuff. wax bought a sack from them--they're not free! and she only bought one when we really needed two of that size. crammed everything in in an unsightly manner and made fun of me with the checker in finnish because i was packing the sack carefully. customer service really isn't a commodity here. no one is making money off it. it's a foreign concept. but when you work in a place that sells itself on that you realize how very very important it is. it makes everything nicer. there is no place here that reminds me of the supermarket, or the girl scouts' national convention, which is what the supermarket reminded me of. it's easy to make fun of the girl scouts, but it's a place that makes you feel good. feeling good is very important, i've realized of late. it was why i focussed myself on getting here, to be with wax, in the first place.