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I actually enjoyed myself at Wax's paternal grandmother's family reunion this afternoon, in spite of the fact that (1) it was rainy and (2) like 15° C/50s F and (3) outside in a tent. Said granny1 is one of 14 siblings and grew up in Pargas, the 45-min-distant town where I attend my classroom assistant courses and where we plan to eventually settle. I bundled up, and it wasn't too cold, and the atmosphere was also quite relaxed and friendly. But the unfortunate blot on a good day was that this also happened... and I don't really know what to do with it. I'm pissed off, yeah, and righteously so, I feel, and also hurt. But at the same time, I feel a bit helpless (and don't intend to do anything about it at this time, at least).
No introduction for me.
The thing is, I know she doesn't consider me not a part of the family; she organized the "Welcome to the Family" party that I got after our elopement last fall. (Though now I'm a little less sure about whether she regards my marriage as legitimate.) She's not a homophobe and has always been perfectly welcoming, and I even know that she likes me, though we kind of rub each other the wrong way and we have to grit our teeth a lot, but we try. (I'm given to understand that this is not unusual for mothers-in-law. IDK, I'd never seen it in person before.)
Wax's theory is extreme social awkwardness and being ashamed in case the people she was talking to would get offended. (I can't say it's not plausible.) But the thing is... it still pisses me off.
The pronoun game pisses me off. Euphemisms piss me off. Pussyfooting pisses me off. "Wax's friend" pisses me off. "And this is Cim... she's, uh, from America" pisses me off. If I were happy to keep playing the pronoun game at parties, I wouldn't have gotten married. We did it in Iowa precisely because we (shockingly!) feel strongly about the importance of our marriage being recognized as legitimate: because in Iowa they have marriage, but in Finland we only have "registered partnership." So if the two brothers' het marriages produce daughers-in-law but Wax's marriage produces just an untitled English-speaking appendage, then, yeah, I have a problem.
From a stranger who might not even know that we're married, I'm willing to swallow "Wax's... friend" without correction. But from someone who knows that we're married and has heard us refer to each other as "wife" in two languages, there's no excuse.
That kind of awkward stumble, that panicked "What do I call them?" hesitation in mid-sentence has happened to pretty much every gay person ever, I'm sure. The thing is, while for you-the-stumbler it's infrequent, and you weren't prepared, and that's the whole source of the problem - for us gay people, it happens a lot, and the repetition gets kind of painful. It frequently comes with the best of intentions, and we're all very accustomed to dealing with it, albeit probably in different ways and with differing success. But it's hurtful.
So if you want to be a loving/supportive/not-a-dick parent/family member/friend, then it's your responsibility to get over the awkwardness. Suck it up. Cut that shit out. Stop giving the impression that you're ashamed, because it is just as hurtful even if you're really not. If you genuinely don't know how to introduce someone because you don't want to offend them, just ask them, "How would you prefer I introduce you?" If it's because you don't want to offend someone else, then please realize that it's not your business to euphemize/pussyfoot/pronoun game for them, because their being out or not isn't your decision. It's theirs. And if you're uncomfortable with having a gay child/relative/friend - even if it's just in public - you should work on getting over it and keep your issues to yourself instead of making it their problem by getting all gross and weird about it. Your child/relative/friend doesn't have the resources to spend on educating you (they might try anyway, but believe me, having to help someone accept them/respect them/treat them with common decency is the last thing they need).
1. Yes, the one who was my Enemy, but a detente has been forcibly imposed by Wax's favorite aunt and I am now allowed in her house. She just doesn't talk to me, or more than monosyllabically to Wax in my presence.
WAX'S DAD'S COUSIN: So who are all of these [waving at Wax & me, sister-in-law & nieces & nephews]? How are they related?
WAX'S MOM: They're all mine! This is my daughter, Wax, and these four are my grandchildren - Brother Metal's kids - and this [pointing to sister-in-law] is my daughter-in-law.
No introduction for me.
The thing is, I know she doesn't consider me not a part of the family; she organized the "Welcome to the Family" party that I got after our elopement last fall. (Though now I'm a little less sure about whether she regards my marriage as legitimate.) She's not a homophobe and has always been perfectly welcoming, and I even know that she likes me, though we kind of rub each other the wrong way and we have to grit our teeth a lot, but we try. (I'm given to understand that this is not unusual for mothers-in-law. IDK, I'd never seen it in person before.)
Wax's theory is extreme social awkwardness and being ashamed in case the people she was talking to would get offended. (I can't say it's not plausible.) But the thing is... it still pisses me off.
The pronoun game pisses me off. Euphemisms piss me off. Pussyfooting pisses me off. "Wax's friend" pisses me off. "And this is Cim... she's, uh, from America" pisses me off. If I were happy to keep playing the pronoun game at parties, I wouldn't have gotten married. We did it in Iowa precisely because we (shockingly!) feel strongly about the importance of our marriage being recognized as legitimate: because in Iowa they have marriage, but in Finland we only have "registered partnership." So if the two brothers' het marriages produce daughers-in-law but Wax's marriage produces just an untitled English-speaking appendage, then, yeah, I have a problem.
From a stranger who might not even know that we're married, I'm willing to swallow "Wax's... friend" without correction. But from someone who knows that we're married and has heard us refer to each other as "wife" in two languages, there's no excuse.
That kind of awkward stumble, that panicked "What do I call them?" hesitation in mid-sentence has happened to pretty much every gay person ever, I'm sure. The thing is, while for you-the-stumbler it's infrequent, and you weren't prepared, and that's the whole source of the problem - for us gay people, it happens a lot, and the repetition gets kind of painful. It frequently comes with the best of intentions, and we're all very accustomed to dealing with it, albeit probably in different ways and with differing success. But it's hurtful.
So if you want to be a loving/supportive/not-a-dick parent/family member/friend, then it's your responsibility to get over the awkwardness. Suck it up. Cut that shit out. Stop giving the impression that you're ashamed, because it is just as hurtful even if you're really not. If you genuinely don't know how to introduce someone because you don't want to offend them, just ask them, "How would you prefer I introduce you?" If it's because you don't want to offend someone else, then please realize that it's not your business to euphemize/pussyfoot/pronoun game for them, because their being out or not isn't your decision. It's theirs. And if you're uncomfortable with having a gay child/relative/friend - even if it's just in public - you should work on getting over it and keep your issues to yourself instead of making it their problem by getting all gross and weird about it. Your child/relative/friend doesn't have the resources to spend on educating you (they might try anyway, but believe me, having to help someone accept them/respect them/treat them with common decency is the last thing they need).
1. Yes, the one who was my Enemy, but a detente has been forcibly imposed by Wax's favorite aunt and I am now allowed in her house. She just doesn't talk to me, or more than monosyllabically to Wax in my presence.
