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- A/N: Written for [Fangirl X], this plot literally leapt out of the computer at me. [Crying "TAKE ME TO FANGIRL X"?]
- A/N: Jin's a bad boy, it stays smutty and gets a bit cheesy...good mix^^ [I'm confident that most of fandom agrees with you on that, but I can't help thinking of Chex Mix.]
- Summary: When he knew he had a sister, she just chooses to ignore her, but when the person close to him fell for her he felt betrayed...
- Title : Gross
A/N : LOL the title makes you think it wouldn't be fluff, but it is! - A/N: I fail at the summary. Unbeta’d. Anyways, if you like overdramatic cliché situations, I hope you guys enjoy it! =)
22 Aug 2010
top: Steven "Adeson" in brown suede
bottom: Charles David "Rebel" in brown leather
Having accidentally run out of anti-depressants last spring, I was unable to get a new scrip before they had completely left my system. Because I was unhappy with the medication I was on anyway, I decided to go without SSRIs for the summer until I could see a psychiatrist and discuss trying something different. (And establish a bit of a baseline so I could compare my mental states, since I haven't been off escitalopram and before that citalopram since 2006.)
The summer experiment surprised me a bit. After the drug left my system, there was a short, violent period of misery, which is in line with what I've read about the withdrawal. But after that, I was pretty much fine, just a bit moodier. ( In bullet points. )
But for the last month we've been toppling into autumn and I've been oppressed by a gradually increasing anxiety about the advent of winter. I know from November to April I'm going to be crushed into the ground under that enormous cannonball of terror, misery, ennui, apathy and exhaustion. I've been trying to fend it off with "At least it's not here yet!"
Last winter was still the worst winter I can remember1, even though I was both medicated and getting the benefit of a sunlamp for the first time. It isn't that the sunlamp didn't work. On the contrary, I hardly ever felt like crying last year (which was new), and also the sunlamp had the basic effect of making me feel awake but utterly without energy, instead of asleep and utterly without energy like in other years.
I think it was because social anxiety is the most draining thing that happens to me, and performing in social situations is absolutely the most terrifying and exhausting thing I ever have to do. ( And last winter brought... THE CLASS. D: )
Just now I was trying to decide what to do about my hair and accidentally looked at a picture of myself taken on my way back from class last fall. The dam of "It's not time yet" broke, and the dread and tension and terror slammed into me all at once. Grace period over.
Obviously, good medication can make a difference. I know this from experience. So that's the first step. But going by last winter it's not actually good enough, so I'm trying to make resolutions (to see my friends regularly, to get some sort of regular exercise) that might help with the SAD. Unfortunately (yet undeniably poetically!), social anxiety keeps getting in the way of these ideas ("I'm lonely and miss my friends! ... But WHAT IF I can't make entertaining conversation?" / "I enjoy swimming! ... But I can't go to the swimming hall by myself: swimming halls are scary". Etc).
1. My first Finnish winter was the second worst - Wax and I had just moved in together so I felt less secure, and I was completely unprepared for the lack of sunlight; I didn't even realize that I WAS seasonally affective. I just spent a lot of time on the kitchen floor with my back to the wall, crying. I was still medicated at the beginning of it, though, and I went to Alabama for 2 weeks at Christmas-New Year's, which recharged my solar batteries. I definitely remember that my energy levels were better then than last year.
The summer experiment surprised me a bit. After the drug left my system, there was a short, violent period of misery, which is in line with what I've read about the withdrawal. But after that, I was pretty much fine, just a bit moodier. ( In bullet points. )
But for the last month we've been toppling into autumn and I've been oppressed by a gradually increasing anxiety about the advent of winter. I know from November to April I'm going to be crushed into the ground under that enormous cannonball of terror, misery, ennui, apathy and exhaustion. I've been trying to fend it off with "At least it's not here yet!"
Last winter was still the worst winter I can remember1, even though I was both medicated and getting the benefit of a sunlamp for the first time. It isn't that the sunlamp didn't work. On the contrary, I hardly ever felt like crying last year (which was new), and also the sunlamp had the basic effect of making me feel awake but utterly without energy, instead of asleep and utterly without energy like in other years.
I think it was because social anxiety is the most draining thing that happens to me, and performing in social situations is absolutely the most terrifying and exhausting thing I ever have to do. ( And last winter brought... THE CLASS. D: )
Just now I was trying to decide what to do about my hair and accidentally looked at a picture of myself taken on my way back from class last fall. The dam of "It's not time yet" broke, and the dread and tension and terror slammed into me all at once. Grace period over.
Obviously, good medication can make a difference. I know this from experience. So that's the first step. But going by last winter it's not actually good enough, so I'm trying to make resolutions (to see my friends regularly, to get some sort of regular exercise) that might help with the SAD. Unfortunately (yet undeniably poetically!), social anxiety keeps getting in the way of these ideas ("I'm lonely and miss my friends! ... But WHAT IF I can't make entertaining conversation?" / "I enjoy swimming! ... But I can't go to the swimming hall by myself: swimming halls are scary". Etc).
1. My first Finnish winter was the second worst - Wax and I had just moved in together so I felt less secure, and I was completely unprepared for the lack of sunlight; I didn't even realize that I WAS seasonally affective. I just spent a lot of time on the kitchen floor with my back to the wall, crying. I was still medicated at the beginning of it, though, and I went to Alabama for 2 weeks at Christmas-New Year's, which recharged my solar batteries. I definitely remember that my energy levels were better then than last year.