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(Overheard at) Grandma's Funeral
17 Apr 2012 09:50 pmLast Tuesday I rejected a call from my dad while I was in with my therapist. It was a notification that my maternal grandmother had died of a heart attack and my mom was on her way home from work to pack for the 11-hour drive to Kansas for the funeral, because she hadn't wanted to be embalmed. I did battle with ebookers for hours, leaving only 5 hours to pack, shower, and take a little nap before getting on the bus to the airport in Helsinki. ( Read more... )
by my sister, between two of grandma's brothers:
HAROLD: Do you let the kids shoot bulls in the balls with bb guns, yet?
STEVE: No, I don't even let them shoot dogs. I gotta watch them close when they go out with guns now.
HAROLD: Why not?! We did it all the time!
also from my sister:
STEVE: I stole one of our dad's parachutes and took it up on the roof of the garage and was gonna jump off, but I met Harold on the way and he was older and he wanted to take the first turn. ... That parachute didn't even flutter.
[HAROLD COMES IN]
STEVE: I'm tellin' the story about the parachute!
HAROLD: Which one?
by me:
MOM: Dad, how long did you have to court Mom before you asked her to marry you?
GRANDPA: I didn't ask her! I told her!
MOM: Well, did she say yes anyway?
GRANDPA: Well... I had to tell her a couple times.
*
GRANDPA: I was in the Navy and grandma was the pinup girl for the whole squad.
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
GRANDPA: No, I mean literally.
*
GRANDPA: I had a look around for the picture of her in her bathing suit from when I was in the Navy and that other one - [mimes breasts on his chest] - that was just the top, but I couldn't find them. She never did hang them up. For some reason. Can't think why.
*
GRANDPA: I was real protective of you kids. If anyone threatened you, like if there was a dog... one time there was these dogs that was scaring all you, barking and growling when you would walk by... it couldn't reach all the way to bite you or nothin' but it was too close to the sidewalk. And you kids come home cryin' and so I got my bat and I went walkin'. ... I didn't go walkin', you know, that wasn't something I did, but that day I did. And the cop pulls up beside me - the town only had one or two of 'em. And I guess there musta been something about the way I walked. And he says, Where you goin', Lastname? And I said, I'm goin' to kill me some dogs. So he says, Why don't you give me that bat and go on home and I'll take care of the dogs. So I didn't kill 'em, but they got moved back farther from the sidewalk.
Overheard at Grandma's Funeral
by my sister, between two of grandma's brothers:
HAROLD: Do you let the kids shoot bulls in the balls with bb guns, yet?
STEVE: No, I don't even let them shoot dogs. I gotta watch them close when they go out with guns now.
HAROLD: Why not?! We did it all the time!
also from my sister:
STEVE: I stole one of our dad's parachutes and took it up on the roof of the garage and was gonna jump off, but I met Harold on the way and he was older and he wanted to take the first turn. ... That parachute didn't even flutter.
[HAROLD COMES IN]
STEVE: I'm tellin' the story about the parachute!
HAROLD: Which one?
by me:
MOM: Dad, how long did you have to court Mom before you asked her to marry you?
GRANDPA: I didn't ask her! I told her!
MOM: Well, did she say yes anyway?
GRANDPA: Well... I had to tell her a couple times.
*
GRANDPA: I was in the Navy and grandma was the pinup girl for the whole squad.
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
GRANDPA: No, I mean literally.
*
GRANDPA: I had a look around for the picture of her in her bathing suit from when I was in the Navy and that other one - [mimes breasts on his chest] - that was just the top, but I couldn't find them. She never did hang them up. For some reason. Can't think why.
*
GRANDPA: I was real protective of you kids. If anyone threatened you, like if there was a dog... one time there was these dogs that was scaring all you, barking and growling when you would walk by... it couldn't reach all the way to bite you or nothin' but it was too close to the sidewalk. And you kids come home cryin' and so I got my bat and I went walkin'. ... I didn't go walkin', you know, that wasn't something I did, but that day I did. And the cop pulls up beside me - the town only had one or two of 'em. And I guess there musta been something about the way I walked. And he says, Where you goin', Lastname? And I said, I'm goin' to kill me some dogs. So he says, Why don't you give me that bat and go on home and I'll take care of the dogs. So I didn't kill 'em, but they got moved back farther from the sidewalk.
