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My psychologist has been telling me for a year that my scores on the depression & anxiety indices are nearly identical to those of an average adult in Finland who isn't in the mental healthcare system. And, yeah, I do feel a lot better than in my depressive episodes or crises, no question! But... at the same time... I've been feeling a bit bad the last few months.
I know that thanks to my seasonal affective disorder I always feel crummy in the winter and that this winter has been the least terrible I've had in years, that my energy hasn't been as low and that I haven't felt the same kinds of emotional effects like spells of despair... but I'm still desperate for the winter to end, and frustrated because time seems to be going by too fast and it seems like I'm constantly remembering something I meant to do earlier, whether it's meal planning or replying to messages from friends or refilling my pens with ink.
Right now, in fact, I'm having a worse spell (an 'uh oh' spell?), going by things like laundry and vacuuming piling up, and having dropped my usual daily dinner-planning and barely noticed, so Wax has been buying some random ingredients on her way home instead and we keep eating improvised stuff.
I don't feel consumed or buffeted by waves of panic or despair (good!), except for these little transient sort of thunderstorms of anguish and guilt in response to impending deadlines/imposing events; and I'm not feeling physically ill at all (very good!), and in fact I don't feel particularly sad (unprecedentedly great in winter!!). But I am lacking in fuel (motivation?) to get through all the stuff that I want to have done (I just don't want to actually do it, but I want to want to do it) and I'm not feeling good (more kind of bleh, or nngh), and that is frustrating.
I know that thanks to my seasonal affective disorder I always feel crummy in the winter and that this winter has been the least terrible I've had in years, that my energy hasn't been as low and that I haven't felt the same kinds of emotional effects like spells of despair... but I'm still desperate for the winter to end, and frustrated because time seems to be going by too fast and it seems like I'm constantly remembering something I meant to do earlier, whether it's meal planning or replying to messages from friends or refilling my pens with ink.
Right now, in fact, I'm having a worse spell (an 'uh oh' spell?), going by things like laundry and vacuuming piling up, and having dropped my usual daily dinner-planning and barely noticed, so Wax has been buying some random ingredients on her way home instead and we keep eating improvised stuff.
I don't feel consumed or buffeted by waves of panic or despair (good!), except for these little transient sort of thunderstorms of anguish and guilt in response to impending deadlines/imposing events; and I'm not feeling physically ill at all (very good!), and in fact I don't feel particularly sad (unprecedentedly great in winter!!). But I am lacking in fuel (motivation?) to get through all the stuff that I want to have done (I just don't want to actually do it, but I want to want to do it) and I'm not feeling good (more kind of bleh, or nngh), and that is frustrating.
