there's nothing wrong except this seasonal affective disorder gumming everything up

[cimorene]

My psychologist has been telling me for a year that my scores on the depression & anxiety indices are nearly identical to those of an average adult in Finland who isn't in the mental healthcare system. And, yeah, I do feel a lot better than in my depressive episodes or crises, no question! But... at the same time... I've been feeling a bit bad the last few months.

I know that thanks to my seasonal affective disorder I always feel crummy in the winter and that this winter has been the least terrible I've had in years, that my energy hasn't been as low and that I haven't felt the same kinds of emotional effects like spells of despair... but I'm still desperate for the winter to end, and frustrated because time seems to be going by too fast and it seems like I'm constantly remembering something I meant to do earlier, whether it's meal planning or replying to messages from friends or refilling my pens with ink.

Right now, in fact, I'm having a worse spell (an 'uh oh' spell?), going by things like laundry and vacuuming piling up, and having dropped my usual daily dinner-planning and barely noticed, so Wax has been buying some random ingredients on her way home instead and we keep eating improvised stuff.

I don't feel consumed or buffeted by waves of panic or despair (good!), except for these little transient sort of thunderstorms of anguish and guilt in response to impending deadlines/imposing events; and I'm not feeling physically ill at all (very good!), and in fact I don't feel particularly sad (unprecedentedly great in winter!!). But I am lacking in fuel (motivation?) to get through all the stuff that I want to have done (I just don't want to actually do it, but I want to want to do it) and I'm not feeling good (more kind of bleh, or nngh), and that is frustrating.

Comments

[codex8]

My therapist and I recently had a conversation about the difference between chemical depression and I guess you could call it situational depression. Chemical depression being the version that is atypical and so involves a mental health diagnosis. Whereas situational depression is a bit more "there are actual specific and theoretically identifiable external factors lowering my mood and energy despite my neurochemistry being fine.

Basically we talked about how it might not always matter to the person going thru it which is which because functionally you're still experiencing the symptoms of depression and it impacts your life in ways you're likely to be unhappy with, but she pointed out that from a clinical treatment perspective, in can sort of matter which is which, because the things you would do for chemical depression aren't always the things you should do for situational depression.

It kinda sounds like your psychologist is just saying you're fine tho, which sucks because it's clearly not tru if you're feeling low energy and bad.

I'm not sure what my point was except to say I know that it's possible to still be experiencing all the symptoms of your depression despite being chemically healthy, and it definitely sucks and I hope that however this episode is happening, it ends for you soon.

[cimorene]

It's not like he's argued with me about it or dismissed my impressions, really; it's just that in spite of what I'm going through now my answers to the depression index are still not that bad compared to a depressive episode... although I do think that it's difficult for me to really convey how distressing it is, I also have to agree that overall I am pretty mentally healthy now.

The things that are upsetting me are all completely legitimate sources of stress, but I'm doing the correct things to deal with them and have gotten pretty good at self-correcting my emotional state so that I don't really need a psychologist's care, even if I do still want my medication.

Unfortunately none of that means that I wouldn't like something to alleviate my (completely understandable) emotional reactions to things... I just know there's not really anything more a psychologist can tell me about it. He doesn't have any further insights than I do at this point, and I am practiced at self-soothing and self-monitoring.

Also, of course, I know that feeling low energy and icky is better than I usually feel in the wintertime, but I mean, it's hard to feel grateful when you've been feeling fatigued and bleh for four months.

[codex8]

Yeah, that's kind of the shitty thing about like. Legitimate emotions in response to legitimate external stimuli. You can do your best to use your coping skills and things, but sometimes you just are having crummy and negative feelings and reactions to them, and that's a sucky thing to go through.

[cimorene]

LOL. It's just... in a sense this is something we try to teach to toddlers and kindergarteners and yet it's something you can think you understand as a small child and still be repeatedly frustrated by and trying to grapple with your entire life. I guess not the kind of problem our brains are designed to understand... 😆