cimorene

BY SAJID KHAN

It’s no secret that the city of Oshawa, Ont. plays home to a wide assortment of bizarre, eccentric, and sometimes downright frightening characters. People who walk backwards, people who have arguments with Jesus on the bus, men who wear pink dresses over stone-washed denims - these are just a sample of some of the oddities who reside in this industrial city 20 km east of Toronto.

On March 19, however, Oshawa received what is unarguably its most peculiar resident. Known as squirrelmir, this small rodent resides in a tree outside an apartment building at 300 Montrave Ave.

From the neck down, Squirrelmir appears to be a common squirrel. However, the animal’s head is identical to that of Boromir, the eldest son of the Steward of Gondor. According to hollsk, a tenant at 300 Montrave, Squirrelmir was indeed Boromir prior to March 19, but was transformed into his current form by Knight’s friend, Istari wizard Gandalf the Grey. Gandalf had intended to transform Boromir completely into a squirrel as punishment for the Gondorian’s sexual advances towards the wizard’s adopted son, Psymon Harper.

However, in the process of casting the spell, Gandalf became distracted due to having his ear nibbled by his partner, an ancient and evil spirit known as the Balrog. As a result, the spell did not have its full desired effect, and although Boromir’s body was transformed into that of a squirrel, his head, albeit smaller, remained relatively unchanged.

Shunned from society and incapable of speech, Squirrelmir fell victim to several violent attacks perpetrated by Holls's room mate, Sally Mercer. Squirrelmir has been repeatedly shaken, beaten, and even once put in a pillory by Mercer, who revels in the creature’s torment. Mercer’s attacks have forced Squirrelmir to become increasingly aggressive towards the 22 year old karate instructor. On April 23, Squirrelmir viciously assaulted Mercer during a taping of UPN’s The Jerry Springer Show in Chicago.

Despite this incident, Squirrelmir prefers to avoid confrontations with Mercer. He is a fairly reclusive creature who can usually be found taking refuge in his tree-top dwelling. He is not particularly well-received by either the tenants of 300 Montrave or visitors to the building.

Knight’s friend, Samwise Gamgee of Amherst, Mass. describes Squirrelmir as being “pretty ugly for a squirrel." Even Knight herself admits that she has taunted the rodent on occasion. Shunned, tortured, and now hairless, Squirrelmir faces an uncertain future. He does, however, manage to maintain an online journal where readers can keep up to date on the creature’s turbulent life.

(also a gip. old school shakira. am somewhat miffed, as was offered an icon by my irresistable enchantress, and i didn't get it.)