![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cimoreneI realised earlier this week that my irritability (at people, and not at acts of fate or whatever) is a direct function of my social anxiety most of the time.
This feels like a big revelation to me simply because it's something that had never occurred to me before; I am used to evaluating my huge capacity for irritation as a separate personality trait from my anxiety. I'm not sure it's a very productive revelation, because I don't know what I could do with the knowledge yet, but it helps to be able to interpret my own emotional state more accurately on the basis of its true causes and not the situational sparks that set it off.
I don't mean that my degree of anxiety about a person dictates how annoying I find them; on the contrary, as far as I can tell that has almost no effect on it, with the rare exception of people I love so much (and I can't say it has to do with security in my relationships with them since most of my family members still irritate me in this way), for whatever reason, that I never find them irritating at all. Rather my degree of background social anxiety directly affects the likelihood of my being irritated by any given stimulus and almost any given person.
I've noticed, too, that I have what I call a Sociability Hangover after every episode of being out and enjoying myself with other people. After I come home at first I am still excited, but in an hour or so my mood crashes into depression, insecurity and foundationless anger as the social anxiety I wasn't feeling from too much input comes rushing back in. My irritability reaches new highs at these points even worse than my usual PMS, in fact. It's a much more severe version of the sort of periods of brief emotional exhaustion that follow more restrained trips out of the house such as errand-running or attending lectures.
This icon is the new possessor of my 'arrrgh brains' keyword and represents my frustration and social anxiety, which is quite a common mood so I'm sure I'll have to restrain myself from using it too much. I identify so strongly with Circe in it (the painting is Waterhouse's Circe Invidiosa), and the malevolent colour of the liquid she's pouring. I think of it as a big bowl full of malice and rage and loathing for the entire world. Look at her cloudy brow! It makes me shiver.
This feels like a big revelation to me simply because it's something that had never occurred to me before; I am used to evaluating my huge capacity for irritation as a separate personality trait from my anxiety. I'm not sure it's a very productive revelation, because I don't know what I could do with the knowledge yet, but it helps to be able to interpret my own emotional state more accurately on the basis of its true causes and not the situational sparks that set it off.
I don't mean that my degree of anxiety about a person dictates how annoying I find them; on the contrary, as far as I can tell that has almost no effect on it, with the rare exception of people I love so much (and I can't say it has to do with security in my relationships with them since most of my family members still irritate me in this way), for whatever reason, that I never find them irritating at all. Rather my degree of background social anxiety directly affects the likelihood of my being irritated by any given stimulus and almost any given person.
I've noticed, too, that I have what I call a Sociability Hangover after every episode of being out and enjoying myself with other people. After I come home at first I am still excited, but in an hour or so my mood crashes into depression, insecurity and foundationless anger as the social anxiety I wasn't feeling from too much input comes rushing back in. My irritability reaches new highs at these points even worse than my usual PMS, in fact. It's a much more severe version of the sort of periods of brief emotional exhaustion that follow more restrained trips out of the house such as errand-running or attending lectures.
This icon is the new possessor of my 'arrrgh brains' keyword and represents my frustration and social anxiety, which is quite a common mood so I'm sure I'll have to restrain myself from using it too much. I identify so strongly with Circe in it (the painting is Waterhouse's Circe Invidiosa), and the malevolent colour of the liquid she's pouring. I think of it as a big bowl full of malice and rage and loathing for the entire world. Look at her cloudy brow! It makes me shiver.
