cimorene

this is the anti-communist, communes, "happy pills", and drugs episode. it's also the episode with leila kalomi, one of spock's few canonical romantic attachments, so from a slash point of view it's important--you'll see references to it a lot.

basically, spock cheats on kirk with this ~~dirty ho~~ hippie botanist who used to have a crush on him back in school, but he does it because he's on drugs. specifically, the whole colony are telepathically linked in a big love fest by some alien ~~plant ejaculate~~ spores, and they feel driven to assimilate the entire crew of the enterprise... starting with spock, because the ~~dirty ho~~ botanist knows the only way she's going to get to molest him is if he's higher than a kite.

KIRK takes out a search party and finds SPOCK hanging upside down from a tree and laughing like loon... with a ~~dirty ho~~ girl touching him.

SULU points this out.

KIRK stares for a minute with a broken little expression, watching ~~some dirty ho botanist with overly fluffy bangs who can't even be bothered to apply eyeshadow over the whole lid~~ LEILA fondle SPOCK's hand with some familiarity.
KIRK: [in a sad, broken little voice]spock...

KIRK gets a grip, straightens and clears his throat.
KIRK: [more decidedly] spock!

[skip an intervening scene from someone else's POV]

KIRK strides up purposefully.
KIRK: mr spock!

SPOCK gives KIRK his full attention, regarding him with a happy smile.

KIRK: [wtf? face] are you out of your mind? you were told to report to me at once.

SPOCK: [still hanging like a sloth and still grinning] i didn't want to, jim.

KIRK: [wtf face] you-- [pause] yes, i can see that.

KIRK looks at SPOCK with an expression of dismay and horror. SPOCK grins back at him like a drunk whose long-lost best friend has unexpectedly turned up for a party (which, in a sense, he actually is--except for how it's his boyfriend who only left him alone for half an hour and has now found him playing hooky with that skanky little groupie that everyone knows has a crush on him. well, look at it this way: SPOCK is not used to liquor).

all right, this scene is veeeeery long. but it's important and stuff!

KIRK: all right, you mutinous, disloyal, computerised half-breed, we'll see about you deserting my ship.
SPOCK: the term 'half-breed' is somewhat applicabale... but 'computerised' is inaccurate. a machine can be computerised, not a man.
KIRK: what makes you think you're a man? you're an overgrown jackrabbit, an elf with a hyperactive thyroid.

SPOCK seems puzzled but starts laughing and spreads his hands.
SPOCK: jim, i don't understand--
KIRK: of course you don't understand; you don't have the brains to understand, all you have is printed circuits!
SPOCK freezes briefly, losing the smile, then turns to look over his shoulder at jim. the ominous music starts.
SPOCK: [turning on transporter] captain, if you'll excuse me--
KIRK: [moving to stay in his way] what can you expect from a simpering, devil-eared freak whose father was a computer and his mother an encyclopedia?

SPOCK is now standing and facing KIRK, who has clearly made a hit. SPOCK's little face is sad and puzzled, and he takes a breath.
SPOCK: [patiently and firmly, but looking a bit angry] my mother was a teacher; my father, an ambassador.

KIRK: [with emphasis] your father was a computer, like his son! an ambassador from a planet of traitors! the vulcan never lived who had an ounce of integrity!

SPOCK's eyebrows have drawn down into a slight frown.

SPOCK, controlled: captain--[breaking off, shakes his head, looking dismayed]--please don't--

KIRK: you're a traitor from a race of traitors!
SPOCK blinks in MAN-PAIN!

KIRK: disloyal to the core! rotten, like the rest of your subhuman race! and you've got the gall! to make love to that girl!

SPOCK is scowling the scowl of YOU PLAY HARD TO GET AND THEN YOU GET MAD WHEN I'M FINALLY GETTING SOME TAIL?
SPOCK: that's enough.
KIRK, who is really getting into the role, has sweat standing out on his face. he sort of lunges forward to get up in SPOCK's face.

KIRK: does she know what she's getting, spock? (KIRK's brain: does that MAN-STEALING HO know that you are MINE?) a carcass full of memory banks who should be squatting in a... [he begins to run out of words that actually make sense. whether this has to do with SPOCK's physical proximity and his emotional involvement in the role i will not presume to guess.] ... mushroom... instead of passing himself off as a man? you belong in a CIRCUS, spock!

SPOCK is glowering, and his mouth is hanging slightly open from mounting rage. he turns his back on KIRK.
KIRK: not a starship!

SPOCK deploys the lip-bite of ABOUT TO SMACK A BITCH.
KIRK [breathing heavily]: right next to the dog-faced boy!

SPOCK turns around, casually bends KIRK's club in half and flings KIRK across the room; then follows him and punches in the wall, then the console; then flings KIRK into two successive walls again; then picks up a convenient TABLE made of TIN-FOIL, which for some reason is completely empty, and is being stored on top of another table.

SPOCK raises the TIN-FOIL TABLE over his head preparatory to smashing KIRK's head in, but he still hesitates; KIRK may have called him and elf and said, uh, something about mushrooms and squatting, but he is still SPOCK's ~~babymama~~ ~~woman~~ boyfriend.

KIRK rolls on his back to show his soft belly, hands spread pleadingly.
we see sanity return to SPOCK, who pauses.
KIRK: had enough? [there is no response, but also no head-smashing, which KIRK takes as a yes.] i didn't realise what it took to get under that thick hide of yours. anyway, i don't know what you're so mad about--

SPOCK is staring into space, looking frightened and shocked, as the realisation of what has happened hits him. he drops the TIN-FOIL TABLE.
KIRK: it isn't every first officer who gets to belt his captain. several times.

SPOCK's head is still bowed, his mouth still open. he doesn't look at KIRK.

SPOCK, hoarsely: you did that to me deliberately.

KIRK, still watching SPOCK attentively: believe me, mr spock, it was painful. in more ways than one. [he ru
bs his shoulder.]

[skipped dialogue blahblah i'm alone again blahblah i had to insult you, it was just to get rid of the spores, you don't really have to sleep on the couch tonight]

when KIRK is leaving the room, SPOCK calls him back.

SPOCK: captain?
KIRK turns around to face SPOCK, but he doesn't say anything.

SPOCK [looking pained, speaking deliberately]: striking a fellow officer is a court-martial offence.

KIRK takes a breath and rubs his hands together, thinking.

KIRK: weeeeeeeelll, if we're both in the brig, who's gonna build the sub-sonic transmitter?

SPOCK [still looking rather sad, but disarmed in spite of himself by KIRK's charm]: that is... quite logical, captain.

KIRK grins at him and leads the way.

KIRK is the only one not infected by the ejaculating happy pill plants, but he has an idea.

KIRK: but to carry out my plan entails considerable risk. mr spock is much stronger than the ordinary human being; aroused, his great physical strength could kill... but it's a risk i'll have to take.