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cimorenei've always rather enjoyed this episode, and there are a couple of significant things about it. for one thing, they ripped the plot off wholesale for star trek: the motion picture, which is pretty damned shameless. for another thing, i am just extra fond of plots about how humans are better than machines, and especially endings where they defeat a machine by proving that it's illogical.
if only that worked on actual software, you know what i'm saying? anyway, this recap is pretty thorough (lots of images!), but it's a mixture of real bits, summaries, and stuff that i made up.
a giant ball of energy hurtles through space to them and hits the shields. everyone on the bridge falls out of their chairs. it happens again.
KIRK: wtf?
SPOCK: it's a giant ball of energy, other than that i don't know, but it's gonna kill the shields in about three more blasts and then we're all dead for sure.
KIRK assumes a manly heterosexual pose to stimulate his brain cells.
SPOCK checks out KIRK's ass, reflecting that the uniform pants may be uncomfortable but at least they have some advantages.
some more energy balls hit and when they're about to die, KIRK suddenly remembers that they have a communication system. even though the energy balls are emanating from a very dense cylinder only 1 meter in length, he has UHURA call them up.
KIRK: my name is captain james kirk. let's get right to the point, shall we? please don't kill us.
SOME TINNY BARITONE VOICE: let's talk. come out of that ship.
KIRK: we can't because of the vaccuum of space, but we can beam you aboard, if you want. according to our readings, your entire ship is no larger than an occasional table and could blend in easily with the décor of almost any cabin.
SOME TINNY BARITONE: i don't know what you're talking about but whatever. i'm coming aboard.
SPOCK: i guess we'll find out if it complements the décor of the transporter room at a minimum. i warn you that if it's really bad feng shui i reserve the right to put my hands on my hips.
so KIRK, SPOCK and MCCOY trot down to the transporter room, where they meet SCOTTY and beam aboard a shiny silver object that's about a meter long and likes to hover in midair. the tinny baritone of dooooom comes out of speakers on the sides.
KIRK: hi there. you want to come out of that ship? we can get you a miniature helmet, a barbie convertible...
SOME TINNY BARITONE: irrelevant. i contain no parasitical biological infestations. i am NOMAD.
MCCOY: i don't think there's anybody in there, jim.
NOMAD: are you my mommy?
KIRK: the what?
SPOCK: let me look at the computer and see if a simple google on 'mommy' will turn up an entry for 'randomly floating automatic space robots with incredible destructive forces at their disposal'.
NOMAD: you are my mommy, right?
KIRK: well, i...
SPOCK, having just speed-read the entire library: YES. mommy was just testing your memory banks, and you passed!
NOMAD: my memory banks *are* a little iffy ever since that asteroid took off half of them and then i mated with the Other.
MCCOY: so... nomad. what do you do?
NOMAD: mommy, is this one of your units? it's asking stupid questions.
KIRK: i know, it does that all the time. but just humour it, okay?
NOMAD: whatever. i go through the universe looking for any signs of life and when i find them, i obliterate them with my energy balls.
ALL: ...
KIRK: so it was you that just destroyed a solar system back there?
NOMAD: not the system, mommy. just all traces of life.
KIRK: right. great! okay. you stay here, we'll... be right outside.
(OUTSIDE)
KIRK: shit.
MCCOY: shit.
SPOCK: shit. also, it's headed for earth, so.
KIRK: fuck the rest of the galaxy. what about my ship?
UHURA calls a GRUNT in cartography, who happens to be babysitting NOMAD, and asks for his reports. he says he swears he'll have them in ten seconds.
UHURA: yeah, i've heard that one before. i think i'll stay on the line.
while she waits, she starts singing. it's really more like humming, cause she's just making it up as she goes along, except she's kind of going "na na laaa".
NOMAD levitates itself out of the room, up the turbolift and onto the bridge. then it confronts uhura.
NOMAD: why were you making that noise?
UHURA: i consider it to be a form of prayer. every time i sing nonsense words and think positive thoughts, the universe is more likely to let the captain and mr spock live happily ever after. have you seen how cute they are?
NOMAD: that is insane. are you a tinhat or something?
NOMAD runs a brainscan on UHURA and, discovering that she is, in fact, a tinhat, beams some kind of weird ray into her brain and wipes her memory completely clean.
SCOTTY is nearby, and not having had his fill yet of attacking incredibly powerful beings, flings himself at it. it zaps him dead.
KIRK: NOMAD, mommy is really unhappy. i don't care if you think my units are illogical or whatever the fuck, you can't break them! it isn't all about you! you are in time out!
NOMAD: what, you want me to fix him?
KIRK looks at MCCOY.
MCCOY: why are you looking at me? i told you he's dead. there's nothing *i* can do.
KIRK: sure, okay, but you're still in time out.
they go to sickbay and give NOMAD SCOTTY's recent brain scans plus some medical textbooks to digest. then it revives him with some kind of invisible rays or something.
MCCOY: all right, scotty, time for a full physical.
NOMAD: he is in perfect working order.
MCCOY: I MAY BE COMPLETELY WRONG, BUT I WANT TO YELL AT YOU! AND IF I SAY I'M GOING TO LOOK AT SCOTTY, YOU PIECE OF...
SPOCK, looking amused: doctor, for god's sake shut up.
KIRK: did anyone else notice that our new occasional table just revived scotty from the dead in like two seconds with invisible rays? i may not have been impressed when it destroyed a solar system, but i sure as fuck want spock to study it now.
SPOCK sits with NOMAD, looking more than a little pissy, until KIRK comes in. he explains that he is pissy because NOMAD won't lower its shields to be studied. he wants to mind meld with it even though it's a robot.
KIRK: nomad, lower your shields for mommy's boyfriend or it's time out again.
NOMAD: okay. hey, mommy, THIS unit isn't like the other ones! it's extremely well-organised and logical!
KIRK can't help grinning at this.
KIRK: that's why mommy's dating him. well, that and the ears.
SPOCK: i don't think you get to mock the ears and claim to like them at the same time.
KIRK: mr spock, part of being the captain is getting to make as many bad jokes as you want.
SPOCK: oh, so that's why.
SPOCK gets ready to meld with NOMAD. first he does a little meditation pose.
then he stretches his hands.
and then he sort of hugs NOMAD and...
...starts with the making of funny faces.
SPOCK: i'm a NASA space probe minding my own business, looking for life forms to make contact with... auuugh! asteroid! ouch! ... i am some weird alien word. i am an alien space probe. i am sterilising shit. i am nomad. i am the Other. we are having space probe!sex. we are nomad! we are looking for life forms... sterilising... looking... sterilising...
KIRK gets concerned and pulls his boyfriend off NOMAD, but SPOCK doesn't snap out of it.
KIRK yells at NOMAD to let go, then
drags the dazed SPOCK back and
hustles him out into the hall,
where he shoves him up against the wall.
KIRK: spock! spock! baby? can you hear me?
SPOCK: jim! hi!
KIRK: oh, thank god, i was so worried. i thought you were going to walk around imitating nomad forever, which could really have got in the way of my plans for--
SPOCK: it was like i was right there! wow! have you ever melded with a robot? no, of course not. seriously, it's like you are the robot! and let me tell you, robot sex is seriously wack. you thought that thing with the meditation robe was kinky? not even CLOSE.
KIRK: but you're sure you're fine? you don't need a cuddle or anything?
SPOCK: oh, i'm okay. seriously, jim, it was awesome. nomad was a NASA space probe, it got hit by a meteor and broken, but then it ran into some alien probe that was collecting and sterilising soil samples. they had sex and merged into one being--and i mean literally, not in the bad slash sense. they merged their two missions and somehow out of "find life" and "sterilise soil" they got "find life and blast it out of existence".
KIRK: wow, they couldn't just invest in some hand sanitizer or something? imagine if surgeons adopted that approach to sterilisation in the operating room.
SPOCK: well, it would save considerable amounts of money on the anaesthesiologists, and you could totally get rid of the recovery wing.
KIRK: wow. so, are you absolutely sure you're all right? i mean, for a traumatic experience... i'm the captain, i have the authority, if you just need a bit of comfort we could nip down to my quarters...
SPOCK: is sex really all you humans think about?
KIRK: just trying to help! all right, i guess we go save the universe first and have sex later.
the next time we see our heroes, NOMAD is in engineering, having vapourised a few crew members, and is complaining about the lameness of "unstable biological units" again.
KIRK: shut up about biological units! a biological unit created you! I'M a biological unit!
NOMAD: ...
SPOCK: oh no you didn't.
KIRK: oops?
NOMAD: i think i need to go think about some things.
NOMAD floats out of the room without another word.
KIRK: you don't think nomad is just thinking about things like the fundamental isolation of existence, or the boundary between cultural relativism and moral absolutes, or why it is that sandals look so unattractive with socks, do you?
SPOCK: no, i think nomad is thinking about you and concluding that if you are imperfect like all your units, it should destroy the enterprise too.
KIRK: i was afraid of that.
SPOCK: good thing we didn't take a break like you wanted to.
KIRK: hey, they've shown that orgasms make you think better.
SPOCK: nice try.
then NOMAD gets done thinking, locks itself in engineering and turns off the life support systems.
KIRK and SPOCK race down the hallways and break in.
KIRK: turn the life support systems back on! you're in trouble, mister!
NOMAD: this way i can sterilise the infestation without destroying your ship. which is also imperfect, but i can fix it.
KIRK: TURN ON THE LIFE SUPPORT THIS INSTANT, YOUNG MAN.
NOMAD: i'm following my mission!
KIRK: i'm in charge and i'm giving you a new mission! LISTEN TO MOMMY!
NOMAD: no!
KIRK: fuck.
SPOCK: at least he accidentally hit the time-delay life support shut down instead of the instantaneous one.
KIRK: fine. you're so big about your mission, you're going to destroy ANYTHING that is EVER imperfect?
NOMAD: right.
KIRK: anything that's ever in error?
NOMAD: right.
KIRK: if something is in error, ever, you have to destroy it?
NOMAD: right.
KIRK: no matter what it is, it MUST be destroyed if it makes an error?
NOMAD: right.
KIRK: so any error whatsoever, period, absolutely, no exceptions, results in destruction?
NOMAD: ri--
KIRK: SO DESTRUCTION IS THE INEVITABLE RESULT OF ERROR?
NOMAD: ri--
KIRK: i'm your mommy?
NOMAD: you are my momm--
KIRK: WHO'S THE MOMMA?
SPOCK: i think we get it already.
NOMAD: you are the momma.
KIRK: YOU ARE IN ERROR! I'M NOT YOUR MOMMY, YOU MIXED ME UP WITH SOME DEAD INVENTOR WHOSE NAME WAS ALSO KIRK! DESTROY YOURSELF!
NOMAD starts trembling violently in midair and squeaking "error... error... error" in the somewhat distorted voice of that dad who always inhaled a lungful of helium at the birthday party.
KIRK: let's take him to the transporter room before he blows up.
SPOCK: nice going, honey, but i think you've cut the timing close to say the least. he's already emitting smoke.
they haul ass (and NOMAD) to the transporter room, set him on the floor, beam him out to space and then run over to the mini viewscreen that isn't usually located in that corner to watch him blow up.
it is a BIG explosion, but it only turns everything white, it doesn't even shake the ship, and it certainly doesn't take out all life in the solar system.
back on the bridge, SPOCK remarks that NOMAD's incredibly advanced technology, such as bringing people back to life, has all been lost.
KIRK says that he had to destroy it cause it was a threat to the ship, but that SPOCK shouldn't think him heartless.
KIRK: of course i'm sad about it. you don't think i care at all? i have parental impulses.
MCCOY: is he trying to make a joke or isn't he?
KIRK: well, he thought i was his mommy! and you saw him bring scotty back from the dead, just think if he had grown up to be a doctor. my son, the doctor. gets you right there, doesn't it?
MCCOY and SPOCK are rendered speechless, probably with bafflement or physical pain. thankfully, the credits come and put them out of their misery.
if only that worked on actual software, you know what i'm saying? anyway, this recap is pretty thorough (lots of images!), but it's a mixture of real bits, summaries, and stuff that i made up.
a giant ball of energy hurtles through space to them and hits the shields. everyone on the bridge falls out of their chairs. it happens again.
KIRK: wtf?
SPOCK: it's a giant ball of energy, other than that i don't know, but it's gonna kill the shields in about three more blasts and then we're all dead for sure.
KIRK assumes a manly heterosexual pose to stimulate his brain cells.
SPOCK checks out KIRK's ass, reflecting that the uniform pants may be uncomfortable but at least they have some advantages.
some more energy balls hit and when they're about to die, KIRK suddenly remembers that they have a communication system. even though the energy balls are emanating from a very dense cylinder only 1 meter in length, he has UHURA call them up.
KIRK: my name is captain james kirk. let's get right to the point, shall we? please don't kill us.
SOME TINNY BARITONE VOICE: let's talk. come out of that ship.
KIRK: we can't because of the vaccuum of space, but we can beam you aboard, if you want. according to our readings, your entire ship is no larger than an occasional table and could blend in easily with the décor of almost any cabin.
SOME TINNY BARITONE: i don't know what you're talking about but whatever. i'm coming aboard.
SPOCK: i guess we'll find out if it complements the décor of the transporter room at a minimum. i warn you that if it's really bad feng shui i reserve the right to put my hands on my hips.
so KIRK, SPOCK and MCCOY trot down to the transporter room, where they meet SCOTTY and beam aboard a shiny silver object that's about a meter long and likes to hover in midair. the tinny baritone of dooooom comes out of speakers on the sides.
KIRK: hi there. you want to come out of that ship? we can get you a miniature helmet, a barbie convertible...
SOME TINNY BARITONE: irrelevant. i contain no parasitical biological infestations. i am NOMAD.
MCCOY: i don't think there's anybody in there, jim.
NOMAD: are you my mommy?
KIRK: the what?
SPOCK: let me look at the computer and see if a simple google on 'mommy' will turn up an entry for 'randomly floating automatic space robots with incredible destructive forces at their disposal'.
NOMAD: you are my mommy, right?
KIRK: well, i...
SPOCK, having just speed-read the entire library: YES. mommy was just testing your memory banks, and you passed!
NOMAD: my memory banks *are* a little iffy ever since that asteroid took off half of them and then i mated with the Other.
MCCOY: so... nomad. what do you do?
NOMAD: mommy, is this one of your units? it's asking stupid questions.
KIRK: i know, it does that all the time. but just humour it, okay?
NOMAD: whatever. i go through the universe looking for any signs of life and when i find them, i obliterate them with my energy balls.
ALL: ...
KIRK: so it was you that just destroyed a solar system back there?
NOMAD: not the system, mommy. just all traces of life.
KIRK: right. great! okay. you stay here, we'll... be right outside.
(OUTSIDE)
KIRK: shit.
MCCOY: shit.
SPOCK: shit. also, it's headed for earth, so.
KIRK: fuck the rest of the galaxy. what about my ship?
UHURA calls a GRUNT in cartography, who happens to be babysitting NOMAD, and asks for his reports. he says he swears he'll have them in ten seconds.
UHURA: yeah, i've heard that one before. i think i'll stay on the line.
while she waits, she starts singing. it's really more like humming, cause she's just making it up as she goes along, except she's kind of going "na na laaa".
NOMAD levitates itself out of the room, up the turbolift and onto the bridge. then it confronts uhura.
NOMAD: why were you making that noise?
UHURA: i consider it to be a form of prayer. every time i sing nonsense words and think positive thoughts, the universe is more likely to let the captain and mr spock live happily ever after. have you seen how cute they are?
NOMAD: that is insane. are you a tinhat or something?
NOMAD runs a brainscan on UHURA and, discovering that she is, in fact, a tinhat, beams some kind of weird ray into her brain and wipes her memory completely clean.
SCOTTY is nearby, and not having had his fill yet of attacking incredibly powerful beings, flings himself at it. it zaps him dead.
KIRK: NOMAD, mommy is really unhappy. i don't care if you think my units are illogical or whatever the fuck, you can't break them! it isn't all about you! you are in time out!
NOMAD: what, you want me to fix him?
KIRK looks at MCCOY.
MCCOY: why are you looking at me? i told you he's dead. there's nothing *i* can do.
KIRK: sure, okay, but you're still in time out.
they go to sickbay and give NOMAD SCOTTY's recent brain scans plus some medical textbooks to digest. then it revives him with some kind of invisible rays or something.
MCCOY: all right, scotty, time for a full physical.
NOMAD: he is in perfect working order.
MCCOY: I MAY BE COMPLETELY WRONG, BUT I WANT TO YELL AT YOU! AND IF I SAY I'M GOING TO LOOK AT SCOTTY, YOU PIECE OF...
SPOCK, looking amused: doctor, for god's sake shut up.
KIRK: did anyone else notice that our new occasional table just revived scotty from the dead in like two seconds with invisible rays? i may not have been impressed when it destroyed a solar system, but i sure as fuck want spock to study it now.
SPOCK sits with NOMAD, looking more than a little pissy, until KIRK comes in. he explains that he is pissy because NOMAD won't lower its shields to be studied. he wants to mind meld with it even though it's a robot.
KIRK: nomad, lower your shields for mommy's boyfriend or it's time out again.
NOMAD: okay. hey, mommy, THIS unit isn't like the other ones! it's extremely well-organised and logical!
KIRK can't help grinning at this.
KIRK: that's why mommy's dating him. well, that and the ears.
SPOCK: i don't think you get to mock the ears and claim to like them at the same time.
KIRK: mr spock, part of being the captain is getting to make as many bad jokes as you want.
SPOCK: oh, so that's why.
SPOCK gets ready to meld with NOMAD. first he does a little meditation pose.
then he stretches his hands.
and then he sort of hugs NOMAD and...
...starts with the making of funny faces.
SPOCK: i'm a NASA space probe minding my own business, looking for life forms to make contact with... auuugh! asteroid! ouch! ... i am some weird alien word. i am an alien space probe. i am sterilising shit. i am nomad. i am the Other. we are having space probe!sex. we are nomad! we are looking for life forms... sterilising... looking... sterilising...
KIRK gets concerned and pulls his boyfriend off NOMAD, but SPOCK doesn't snap out of it.
KIRK yells at NOMAD to let go, then
drags the dazed SPOCK back and
hustles him out into the hall,
where he shoves him up against the wall.
KIRK: spock! spock! baby? can you hear me?
SPOCK: jim! hi!
KIRK: oh, thank god, i was so worried. i thought you were going to walk around imitating nomad forever, which could really have got in the way of my plans for--
SPOCK: it was like i was right there! wow! have you ever melded with a robot? no, of course not. seriously, it's like you are the robot! and let me tell you, robot sex is seriously wack. you thought that thing with the meditation robe was kinky? not even CLOSE.
KIRK: but you're sure you're fine? you don't need a cuddle or anything?
SPOCK: oh, i'm okay. seriously, jim, it was awesome. nomad was a NASA space probe, it got hit by a meteor and broken, but then it ran into some alien probe that was collecting and sterilising soil samples. they had sex and merged into one being--and i mean literally, not in the bad slash sense. they merged their two missions and somehow out of "find life" and "sterilise soil" they got "find life and blast it out of existence".
KIRK: wow, they couldn't just invest in some hand sanitizer or something? imagine if surgeons adopted that approach to sterilisation in the operating room.
SPOCK: well, it would save considerable amounts of money on the anaesthesiologists, and you could totally get rid of the recovery wing.
KIRK: wow. so, are you absolutely sure you're all right? i mean, for a traumatic experience... i'm the captain, i have the authority, if you just need a bit of comfort we could nip down to my quarters...
SPOCK: is sex really all you humans think about?
KIRK: just trying to help! all right, i guess we go save the universe first and have sex later.
the next time we see our heroes, NOMAD is in engineering, having vapourised a few crew members, and is complaining about the lameness of "unstable biological units" again.
KIRK: shut up about biological units! a biological unit created you! I'M a biological unit!
NOMAD: ...
SPOCK: oh no you didn't.
KIRK: oops?
NOMAD: i think i need to go think about some things.
NOMAD floats out of the room without another word.
KIRK: you don't think nomad is just thinking about things like the fundamental isolation of existence, or the boundary between cultural relativism and moral absolutes, or why it is that sandals look so unattractive with socks, do you?
SPOCK: no, i think nomad is thinking about you and concluding that if you are imperfect like all your units, it should destroy the enterprise too.
KIRK: i was afraid of that.
SPOCK: good thing we didn't take a break like you wanted to.
KIRK: hey, they've shown that orgasms make you think better.
SPOCK: nice try.
then NOMAD gets done thinking, locks itself in engineering and turns off the life support systems.
KIRK and SPOCK race down the hallways and break in.
KIRK: turn the life support systems back on! you're in trouble, mister!
NOMAD: this way i can sterilise the infestation without destroying your ship. which is also imperfect, but i can fix it.
KIRK: TURN ON THE LIFE SUPPORT THIS INSTANT, YOUNG MAN.
NOMAD: i'm following my mission!
KIRK: i'm in charge and i'm giving you a new mission! LISTEN TO MOMMY!
NOMAD: no!
KIRK: fuck.
SPOCK: at least he accidentally hit the time-delay life support shut down instead of the instantaneous one.
KIRK: fine. you're so big about your mission, you're going to destroy ANYTHING that is EVER imperfect?
NOMAD: right.
KIRK: anything that's ever in error?
NOMAD: right.
KIRK: if something is in error, ever, you have to destroy it?
NOMAD: right.
KIRK: no matter what it is, it MUST be destroyed if it makes an error?
NOMAD: right.
KIRK: so any error whatsoever, period, absolutely, no exceptions, results in destruction?
NOMAD: ri--
KIRK: SO DESTRUCTION IS THE INEVITABLE RESULT OF ERROR?
NOMAD: ri--
KIRK: i'm your mommy?
NOMAD: you are my momm--
KIRK: WHO'S THE MOMMA?
SPOCK: i think we get it already.
NOMAD: you are the momma.
KIRK: YOU ARE IN ERROR! I'M NOT YOUR MOMMY, YOU MIXED ME UP WITH SOME DEAD INVENTOR WHOSE NAME WAS ALSO KIRK! DESTROY YOURSELF!
NOMAD starts trembling violently in midair and squeaking "error... error... error" in the somewhat distorted voice of that dad who always inhaled a lungful of helium at the birthday party.
KIRK: let's take him to the transporter room before he blows up.
SPOCK: nice going, honey, but i think you've cut the timing close to say the least. he's already emitting smoke.
they haul ass (and NOMAD) to the transporter room, set him on the floor, beam him out to space and then run over to the mini viewscreen that isn't usually located in that corner to watch him blow up.
it is a BIG explosion, but it only turns everything white, it doesn't even shake the ship, and it certainly doesn't take out all life in the solar system.
back on the bridge, SPOCK remarks that NOMAD's incredibly advanced technology, such as bringing people back to life, has all been lost.
KIRK says that he had to destroy it cause it was a threat to the ship, but that SPOCK shouldn't think him heartless.
KIRK: of course i'm sad about it. you don't think i care at all? i have parental impulses.
MCCOY: is he trying to make a joke or isn't he?
KIRK: well, he thought i was his mommy! and you saw him bring scotty back from the dead, just think if he had grown up to be a doctor. my son, the doctor. gets you right there, doesn't it?
MCCOY and SPOCK are rendered speechless, probably with bafflement or physical pain. thankfully, the credits come and put them out of their misery.
