cimorene

I forget how exhausting it is to give my mental health history. Not only do I kind of suffer from three separate but intertwined things, I'm also a paralyzed perfectionist with a life-changing sob-story about how Daddy's near-death car-crash destroyed my mental health and self-image. Also, even though you're supposed to babble about yourself to psychiatrists, I always get afflicted with a feeling that I'm talking too much and not being direct and clear and concise enough.

I gather that downplaying how bad you feel when talking to a psychiatrist is normal, right? Is everyone else going "It's just a flesh wound" too? At least I managed to convey the severity of SAD (afraid to leave the house, too tired to get out of chair, risking malnourishment through ennui preventing me from preparing food, memories obscured in black cloud of misery), but I totally downplayed the anxiety related to Being a Failure and studying/working... because it's a more embarrassing thing to fail at? Because it's too much like self-promotion to describe paralyzed perfectionism since it involves talking about how I used to overachieve? I'm not sure.

The psychiatrist suggested Effexor which I know is known for anorexia as a side effect. My wife lost like 20 kilos on it and she has read up on this shit and we know for a fact that people have said it would be good for a weight loss drug if not for the side-effects. I timidly started to say that, the psychiatrist contradicted me ("That's not normal. It's not known for that") and... I just shut up. Why? Even if I didn't keep contradicting I could've said "I'd rather try something else", so why didn't I? I now have a 1 month prescription of Effexor which means...

...that I'm sitting here thinking "BUT I'M GOING TO ENGLAND THIS MONTH! What if I can't keep any food down all month? What if I vomit at bexless's wedding? What if I faint in London or on the plane? What if I LOSE WEIGHT?" (Actually I will call the psychiatrist and get a different medication or an anti-emetic if that happens but that isn't helping with the panic, okay?)

Other than that, she was nice. I didn't want to contradict her. Also I felt guilty for not understanding Finnish.

CLASSES AUUUGH - Actually nobody ever calls me, but my phone rang while I was in the psychiatrist's office (dying of embarrassment) and it was the course co-ordinator. Whom I'm too embarrassed to talk to because I'm behind on my work practices (should've done 2, have only done 1) and written evaluations even though there are not real deadlines because it's not even that kind of course. (Everyone there is supposed to be a responsible adult who can handle, and indeed may require, the ability to do things at their own pace. Bad luck on my part there.) ;__;