beware the identity-construction vortex

[cimorene]

The last time I posted about icons, I was talking about the fact that I've been fretting about my default icon not being sufficiently representative of me, particularly because I've switched away from her haircut.

Since then I went and checked out the icons directory in the backups on our media server and discovered bunches of old icons from the days of Livejournal, including subdirectories for different fandoms that I'd forgotten entirely.

But most of my attention kept getting sidetracked to the question of a new default icon because I both REALLY want a new default icon and REALLY don't want to change away from the same basic image that I've been using for ten years or so. I got sucked into an intense episode of Flow (the Zone, hyperfocus, the Vortex) and spent almost all of my waking hours making more icons and agonizing about switching my default icon... since like... last Thursday. I've made about 23 new icons based on the original default image since then (most of which I don't like).

You know how when you stare at your foot for too long it starts to look weird, and not like a foot at all? Gnarly Foot Syndrome. And I've been thinking so hard about what image I wanted to represent me in an icon that the mere idea of any image 'representing me' started to seem weird. I was thinking that everything seemed arbitrary and insufficiently connected to me and my "me"ness.

I started trying to think "Well, what object or idea or anything IS sufficiently connected to you? Your biggest interests? Your hobbies? Your oldest childhood role models, or favorite books or toys? An actual drawing of you?" And I only succeeded in convincing myself that none of those things are sufficiently genuinely connected to me and my personality because, like, what IS personality, is it greater than the sum of its parts? is it ineffable? is it only emergent in the combination of all those minutiae?...

So I was starting to mourn the fact that we can never truly connect to another person's mind and experiences and wandering perilously close to philosophical debate on the nature of consciousness and the soul... and I finally realized that Wax was right, and the only solution was to take a long break from the subject to reboot my brain. So I turned off all the programs related to icons.

Comments

[northern]

That does sound really stressful. I know what that line of thought feels like. Maybe another time, yeah?

[cimorene]

I'm bound to get another idea eventually. I think. Or else I'll have thought about switching for long enough that the idea won't seem weird anymore.

[zenolalia]

I recognize this isn't helping your situation at all, but what about an icon that just says "icon" in black 12pt Arial font on a white background.

If nothing else, it's the kind of filler that is comfortable for using transitionally, while still being obviously temporary enough to turn off my anxieties about a "permanent" new identity. Your mileage may vary.

[cimorene]

Haha! Actually, I did consider an icon that just said my name in text earlier today - temporarily, that is - but I decided using one of the ones I already have until I figure out what I want to do would be less work. I know if I started making a text icon I'd probably lose a fair bit of time on color and position and font.

[zenolalia]

Fair enough! I'm a writer, not an artist be certainly not a typographer, so for me "an icon with text" would just mean, "a screen shot of my word processor." which is a very different thing from the work you do!

[cimorene]

I actually used to have one in my icon rotation but looking at it now, I thought it was possibly not actually legible if you weren't expecting it to say 'Cimorene' in advance; it reminds me of one of those viral posts you see with people proposing the way they actually read it: "Ciwonree?"

ψ(｀∇´)ψ

[ironymaiden]

but later, when you have some headspace, will you show off the new ones?

Re: ψ(｀∇´)ψ

[cimorene]

Haha, probably. I still need an icon for wool-and-knitting things and for calligraphy things and for reading, though.

If I wanted to just upload 20 variations of my default icon, of course, I could do that already, but they would probably get a wee bit repetitive...

[phosfate]

I got a snakey!

[cimorene]

I associate this image with you so much that I forgot it was a snake and thought "What is she talking about" for a second.

[phosfate]

I actually lost him for a while, but went back to my LJ image storage and he was still there.

I should look for the photo album cover I painted him on.

[cimorene]

I also still associate you with a cartoon woman with a blonde bob.

[phosfate]

Agent Elle! https://meninblack.fandom.com/wiki/Agent_L

[cimorene]

Weirdly a relief to finally know who she is!

[krait]

Both my LJ default icon and my current default icon are "me" enough that frankly I sometimes forget that icons go on posts, or that other people change their icons. :D

I've been doing better lately with trying to use icons that match the topic (or gently mock it, or whatever) and finally - more than a decade after the LJ exodus - I find myself uttering that old LJ lament: I need more icons!

Always used to baffled me back then, but here I am. :D (OK, still kinda does when I think of the actual numbers - as a paid account I have 100 icon slots! My uploaded icon count is, like, 25-35? But people used to mean they had run out of icon space when they said that! My problem's more that I'm not a skilled icon maker and can't find icons that match my interests/fandoms.)

[cimorene]

I definitely had more than 100 uploaded at one time. I don't really remember what that all was though or how often I used them. It's hard to imagine coming close to using all of them at all often...

[linbot]

I've been fondly remembering creating animated icons for LJ/DW, but the whole ~process of finding software that works and then finding source and then capturing and uuuugh. I hope when you come back to it in a few days it's easier for you to choose a new one that you really like, or else realise that your existing one is actually pretty great. I think we use the words we say to really represent us; icons are just a bit of flavoured garnish.

[cimorene]

I've never actually learned how to capture gifs, so there exists a universe of skill between your experience and mine there, but perhaps the emotion is similar. And maybe I should teach myself to do it soon.