wait, it was actually 11k

[cimorene]

We should've anticipated this bill (all comments are appreciated, but it's not actually bizarre or unprecedented, it's just shocking because we're terrible at managing all this stuff and even less prepared than if we had embarked on the idea of home ownership alone because MIL was a seasoned homeowner who was a highly organized person and it was nearly impossible to stop her from taking charge of things even if we'd wanted to) because the last plumbing bill was around 10k too; but we've gotten used to smaller and more frequent bills from the builders and electricians which have not presented the same kind of problem. The plumbers like to space them out and send them all at once I guess? But Wax's mom just paid that one directly, and there was plenty of money left to do it with at the time. We did discuss it, at the time, and agree that the remainder of the plumbing would be the same or more, assuming at the time that the former one was basically all of MIL's side of the house (it wasn't, because a huge chunk of her side is in the bill we just got, and the whole thing isn't done) and concluding our side would likely be larger because there are two bathrooms there. We are mostly shocked by the scale compared with the lack of available money, I guess?

We can't do anything until business hours except try to not panic. Our efforts to take our minds off it are not going well:

• Watching tv has failed, for both of us


• Reading is not working for Wax but she's been doing it anyway. I keep reading and stopping because my mind keeps wandering back to panic and I can't concentrate on reading


• Drawing has failed for me


• I thought we should try to install a printer under the theory that since we've already failed to do so once, the undoubted level of difficulty might rise up and eclipse the panic, but Wax claims that would just increase her stress levels


• Cleaning the house didn't really work. I only managed a tiny bit and then just collapsed in a huddle of useless. Wax loaded the dishwasher heroically but she came out of it just as panicky as before or a little more so.


• Wax just remembered we need to go to the summer cottage, which is being kept at 10 degrees C indoors for the benefit of the 35 geraniums that fill the living area, and empty the fridge, which was last used more than a month ago. The disgust involved in that would no doubt cancel everything out for a brief while but overall this will just remind us of all the other things to be anxious about while also being cold and miserable.

Comments

[spark]

Situations like this (losing Wax's mum unexpectedly and throwing everything into disarray) do happen and it is not your fault! And it looks like Finland has sensible provisions for addressing this kind of thing, looking at https://oikeus.fi/oikeusapu/en/index/financial_and_debt_counselling/veloistaselviytyminen.html seems pretty clear and simple and reassuring. I would imagine that a solution will probably look like a plan to make manageable payments toward the plumbing bill while the estate is sorted, and then once you know what the estate will provide for, if it is not enough then you can move toward debt restructuring or debt adjustment. It doesn't look like you will be expected to just pay this bill at the cost of personal disaster. I hope that helps a little, you two have been through so much in these past months.

[bonibaru]

^^^ I was coming in to say this. That a sit-down with the plumbing company and a conversation along the lines of "we don't want to not pay you, so can we work out a plan given these unforeseen circumstances that will allow both you and us to reasonably manage while the estate gets settled" seems like a perfectly normal thing to do in these circumstances.

[viggorlijah]

I really like the stupid yet somehow effective stories read on the Calm app because they work. I listen to the kids stories mostly and they knock me out when I'm spiralling into anxiety.

Huge bills like this - payment plans until the estate comes in can be set up. If you haven't got the money and you're not the direct person for being billed due to a family bereavement, that's all totally reasonable. They know you haven't got the money on hand, and that they will have to work with you and the estate to sort out something reasonable. Including explaining everything on the bill and giving you a discount. Even if the discount is not charging you any overcharges and being willing to wait.

I would totally weaponise your foreignness and emotions and weep loudly on the phone. Or go down in person and just cry and be confused and ask for them to walk you slowly through the whole bill and your options. If you don't want to do that, ask someone else to go do it for you - this is where someone in your social circle or family who wants to help and who loves being bossy and sorting out bills will be so glad to be able to step up and help Wax and you at this difficult time as a sign of love.

[vass]

Okay, so.

It sounds like distraction isn't working, so maybe switch to self-soothing? Can you sit with the panic briefly (just briefly. Maybe set a timer for five minutes) and pay focused attention to it, so it (sorry this is corny) feel like it's being heard? Think about what's frightening about this situation (yes, I know you already know, think about it anyway) and then gently tell yourself that you'll take care of it, that no matter what happens, you and Wax are going to take care of yourselves/each other and you can manage it. Kindly, like you'd tell a panicking friend or a scared younger relative. That you know what's going on and you're onto it. (Because you are. You've identified the problem, and it's bad, and it hooks into a lot of your preexisting fears about adulthood and being terrible at things, but you've identified the next step for you, which requires business hours, so you are done until then, and you can truthfully tell your limbic system that.)

Then wash your face with cold water and get a snack and a drink and try distraction again. Do you have Stardew Valley? Or some other very absorbing computer game that involves repetitive motions and looking at something else for a long time?

[isilya]

My fencing contractor actually had two customers die on him with outstanding bills of over $80K, he basically said there was nothing he could do except wait for the estate to be settled through probate. He seemed very philosophical about it. Hopefully your plumbing company is the same but that doesn’t help if you don’t have a liveable environment. I’m so so sorry you’re having such a stressful time, it all sounds incredibly tough and I have so much empathy for the panic and dread you must be feeling.