Kitten postponement :(
1 Apr 2021 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cimoreneWe aren't going to pick up Tristana until next Wednesday. They were too busy Monday. This has already been the longest week ever.
My general, overall level of cope in life, with seeing people and leaving the house and social interaction, and with work has gone wayyyyy down, too. I'm starting to run out of emotional and mental energy to stay mentally engaged with work while I'm at work and to have trouble holding it together in the face of strong desire to run and hide, scream, or cry, usually due to some kinds of social interactions. Spacing out mostly, but also short spells of dissociation occasionally. I think there's only been the one day when I was dissociating all day long for some reason. I keep forgetting to do stuff carefully and winding up with cuts, scrapes, papercuts, etc all over my hands from every possible source, it seems like.
I'm also losing my grip on the ability to tell myself everyone doesn't hate me/isn't mad at me, it's just my anxiety, and actually listen. Like I know that factually it's usually just the anxiety, but it seems so compellingly obvious this time that everybody dislikes me that I can't quite lose the suspicion.
Ugh. I just want to leave there and not go back on the one hand, partly because I'm so tired and I feel like I need a month off to recover and partly because I just feel semi-convinced that I'm completely inadequate for some reason but they're mysteriously failing to tell me about it. But I also don't want to let them down by reducing my hours or stopping. And I also simultaneously want my coworkers to like me (or, you know, to... generally respect me and my contributions or whatever), and to never see them again because I'm afraid they don't.
My general, overall level of cope in life, with seeing people and leaving the house and social interaction, and with work has gone wayyyyy down, too. I'm starting to run out of emotional and mental energy to stay mentally engaged with work while I'm at work and to have trouble holding it together in the face of strong desire to run and hide, scream, or cry, usually due to some kinds of social interactions. Spacing out mostly, but also short spells of dissociation occasionally. I think there's only been the one day when I was dissociating all day long for some reason. I keep forgetting to do stuff carefully and winding up with cuts, scrapes, papercuts, etc all over my hands from every possible source, it seems like.
I'm also losing my grip on the ability to tell myself everyone doesn't hate me/isn't mad at me, it's just my anxiety, and actually listen. Like I know that factually it's usually just the anxiety, but it seems so compellingly obvious this time that everybody dislikes me that I can't quite lose the suspicion.
Ugh. I just want to leave there and not go back on the one hand, partly because I'm so tired and I feel like I need a month off to recover and partly because I just feel semi-convinced that I'm completely inadequate for some reason but they're mysteriously failing to tell me about it. But I also don't want to let them down by reducing my hours or stopping. And I also simultaneously want my coworkers to like me (or, you know, to... generally respect me and my contributions or whatever), and to never see them again because I'm afraid they don't.
