Kitten postponement :(

[cimorene]

We aren't going to pick up Tristana until next Wednesday. They were too busy Monday. This has already been the longest week ever.

My general, overall level of cope in life, with seeing people and leaving the house and social interaction, and with work has gone wayyyyy down, too. I'm starting to run out of emotional and mental energy to stay mentally engaged with work while I'm at work and to have trouble holding it together in the face of strong desire to run and hide, scream, or cry, usually due to some kinds of social interactions. Spacing out mostly, but also short spells of dissociation occasionally. I think there's only been the one day when I was dissociating all day long for some reason. I keep forgetting to do stuff carefully and winding up with cuts, scrapes, papercuts, etc all over my hands from every possible source, it seems like.

I'm also losing my grip on the ability to tell myself everyone doesn't hate me/isn't mad at me, it's just my anxiety, and actually listen. Like I know that factually it's usually just the anxiety, but it seems so compellingly obvious this time that everybody dislikes me that I can't quite lose the suspicion.

Ugh. I just want to leave there and not go back on the one hand, partly because I'm so tired and I feel like I need a month off to recover and partly because I just feel semi-convinced that I'm completely inadequate for some reason but they're mysteriously failing to tell me about it. But I also don't want to let them down by reducing my hours or stopping. And I also simultaneously want my coworkers to like me (or, you know, to... generally respect me and my contributions or whatever), and to never see them again because I'm afraid they don't.

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

I am so sorry. Maybe your meds are needing a tweak. Sending you all the good thoughts.

[cimorene]

Ugh, I hope not. I haven't got a new psychiatrist, or even a new standard GP, because we switched cities and health centers shortly before the pandemic! But, to be honest, I think it's more that this work practice just is too much for me.

[princessofgeeks]

Hoping for the best for you! When the does work practice end?

[vass]

I'm also losing my grip on the ability to tell myself everyone doesn't hate me/isn't mad at me, it's just my anxiety, and actually listen.

*solidarity fistbump* You are absolutely not the only one feeling that way.

[cimorene]

I can't believe I don't have a better way to manage myself with this by now after all these years but after all these times the brainweasel stuff is still like "Wait, that might actually be legit this time".

[laurenthemself]

Do you have sick leave so you can take a mental health day? It sounds like you need a break.

[cimorene]

Ugh... I can't remember exactly how it works and the idea of checking is a bit tiring. Basically there's like a total of 3 days, but I might have to get a doctor's note? Social security is involved here so the record keeping is extremely thorough. Obviously, if I was having panic attacks or something, I would totally do it. But when it's just needing more sleep or whatever I guess my executive-function depleted emotionally exhausted brain thinks it looks easier to just go :/. I really should call my counselor but he's on vacation now for a few weeks. We're meeting again the end of April.

[laurenthemself]

That sounds like they're making it complicated on purpose to dissuade people from taking it.

Hang in there. I feel like the pending kitten will do you a world of good!

[viggorlijah]

i think you're awesome and this is pretty useless because exhaustion makes the brain weasels eat anything happy and feeds the bleak stuff. I hope you get really good sleep and some quiet times to restore you. you've done a whole bunch of hard things - the house, the moving, the nightmare with the bills, the wrangling with social services, the training and pets and just - you've walked very very far. not don't give up, but rest and walk on.

(also i am eating pop tarts in bed while I psych myself up to pay necessary bills, so from one collapsed dinosaur under a blanket, high five)

[cimorene]

That was genuinely nice to hear, thanks. And I did need the reminder, it probably was looking a lot worse on Thursday after being triggered twice in the same week. I mean obviously being triggered sucks even when I have impostor syndrome because my triggers aren't bad enough to actually give me panic attacks, just a slow emotional breakdown over the course of the day. But either way, it looks better when I'm not emotionally exhausted and I'm not THIS emotionally exhausted ALL the time, even if my emotional tiredness level is unhealthy in general lately, it's not usually ROCK BOTTOM.