oooooooooookay.

[cimorene]

i feel like i've been asleep all semester. which is not to say i feel like i've woken up, oh no, i'm still asleep but i've only now realized it. and "asleep"'s probably a poor characterization of my state, too. i haven't been particularly depressed, and it's not like i've been totally unaware, but i seem to have stopped caring about some things that i used to care about. i'm utterly astonished. how did i ever become such an over-achiever (which i was through all my childhood!), when it's clearly so utterly unnatural for me? my parents never pushed me that way, either. it was a bizarre chance, apparently. so all semester, i've only done the work that i wanted to do, but it's not as if it's really that simple, either, because it's like i haven't quite perceived work in the way i used to. through high school there was this work-related compulsion. i'm feeling echoes of it now, as i not-surprisingly failed the quiz which i didn't study for at all. i'm not exactly upset, though perhaps a bit embarrassed, as i do have a sense that i ought to have studied, and the professor is pissed at me and i do like her. well, it's just...: i sort of feel i ought to explain it, but there's not much to say. i mean, "i can't make myself do this work because i'm congenitally unable to do things that are this boring"? yeah, good plan. anyway, so.

today:
*lunch
*walk into town. go to bank, drugstore and bookstore
*review linguistics
*English
*more linguistics
*meet with advisor about linguistics
*dinner
*make-up English class (writing workshop)
*write Japanese oral final (for thursday/friday)

tomorrow:
*get up early. go to Japanese to have oral final reviewed by professor.
*study Greek
*or Japanese
*work
*laundry
*read two novels

more long-term shit:
*Japanese oral finals thurs/fri (1:35-1:40)
*Japanese final, self-scheduled, starting next mon
*Greek exam next tues (2:00); also last day of Japanese evaluations
*English paper due wed (4:00)
*linguistics paper due... some time (fuck)
*packing up my stuff
*fly home saturday (a week from this coming saturday, that is)(11:30)

and i'm feeling a bit of stress--but it's more of an, "oh, god, i SHOULD be stressed about this; why am i not more worried?" kind of thing. i'm confident i won't fail anything but greek, and it's possible i won't fail that, but that's if i do a lot of studying i don't necessarily have time for at this point. hm. well, i suppose i don't really mind failing it, anyway.

Comments

[hisgreyeyes.livejournal.com]

i can't make myself do this work because i'm congenitally unable to do things that are this boring"?

God, I know just where you're coming from. I can actually feel higher brain functions shutting down just sitting in class - kind of like having all the lights go out, one by one. By the end of maths I can't even see. I just canNOT come home and do the same stuff for another few hours. I enter a vegetable-like state the moment I open a book.