first lines
8 May 2002 06:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cimorenesome first lines--not too many, and v/ brief commentary. a few timbertrick (nsync) followed by a few lotrips.
timbertrick
Sometimes he thought that if their friendship had been going to break apart, it would have done it a long time ago. ("implicit") the absolutely insane confusingness of the first third of "implicit" is essential to it, and this sort of leads into it, but on the whole, i don't like it. it's got a nice abrupt quality, but it doesn't reflect the shape of the overall story properly.
The newest stage manager's assistant brings by the envelope of pictures with a note from Johnny. ("hitch") one of the few stories with much of anything in the way of plot, and it shows. strikes the tone for the beginning, and not too clumsily: i'm happy with it.
It just didn't seem like it was worth it anymore after the first couple of times. ("trust") huh? could be talking about anything, and doesn't sound right for my regular justin. meh. granted, it isn't the regular justin, but, well...
I was almost positive that I hadn't heard you right the first time--I felt sort of like you do when you step off of a boat or an elevator, like the floor is tilting a little, like you're losing your balance, even though you're not. ("so damn hot") it's funny the way the first lines of a lot of my stories reflect the story in microcosm. this one captures the narrative voice and the tone of the whole story (which i'm not overall very happy with) just about right.
lotrips
He feels Elijah coming before he can hear him or see him, like prickling on the back of his neck, before he has moved away from the window completely, before the intention has formed in his mind--before he stands with his hand on the door. ("burn") same deal. just like the rest of burn: overloaded with rhetoric, too overdramatic.
It's too late now. ("tennessee") also, granted, a bit overdramatic, but in tennessee it reaches a happier balance: doesn't go as far overboard. one of my favorites, or rather, the pair of that with "it's been too long" (the first line of the second half of TN).
The fantasies usually went something like this: Dom was up for some reason in the middle of the night at their cabin, in the kitchen, or standing in the little living room, looking out the window or at the last little glowing bits of fire on the hearth, or sometimes outside on the porch. ("fantasy") this one still makes me smile a little. dislike the pairing, but i have quite a fondness for that plot bunny.
Elijah had this odd hallucination-fantasy. Thing. ("delirium," the as-yet-unreleased domlijah i've been slaving over) like that one. drags the reader into elijah's delirious state right away. ;)
timbertrick
Sometimes he thought that if their friendship had been going to break apart, it would have done it a long time ago. ("implicit") the absolutely insane confusingness of the first third of "implicit" is essential to it, and this sort of leads into it, but on the whole, i don't like it. it's got a nice abrupt quality, but it doesn't reflect the shape of the overall story properly.
The newest stage manager's assistant brings by the envelope of pictures with a note from Johnny. ("hitch") one of the few stories with much of anything in the way of plot, and it shows. strikes the tone for the beginning, and not too clumsily: i'm happy with it.
It just didn't seem like it was worth it anymore after the first couple of times. ("trust") huh? could be talking about anything, and doesn't sound right for my regular justin. meh. granted, it isn't the regular justin, but, well...
I was almost positive that I hadn't heard you right the first time--I felt sort of like you do when you step off of a boat or an elevator, like the floor is tilting a little, like you're losing your balance, even though you're not. ("so damn hot") it's funny the way the first lines of a lot of my stories reflect the story in microcosm. this one captures the narrative voice and the tone of the whole story (which i'm not overall very happy with) just about right.
lotrips
He feels Elijah coming before he can hear him or see him, like prickling on the back of his neck, before he has moved away from the window completely, before the intention has formed in his mind--before he stands with his hand on the door. ("burn") same deal. just like the rest of burn: overloaded with rhetoric, too overdramatic.
It's too late now. ("tennessee") also, granted, a bit overdramatic, but in tennessee it reaches a happier balance: doesn't go as far overboard. one of my favorites, or rather, the pair of that with "it's been too long" (the first line of the second half of TN).
The fantasies usually went something like this: Dom was up for some reason in the middle of the night at their cabin, in the kitchen, or standing in the little living room, looking out the window or at the last little glowing bits of fire on the hearth, or sometimes outside on the porch. ("fantasy") this one still makes me smile a little. dislike the pairing, but i have quite a fondness for that plot bunny.
Elijah had this odd hallucination-fantasy. Thing. ("delirium," the as-yet-unreleased domlijah i've been slaving over) like that one. drags the reader into elijah's delirious state right away. ;)
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Date: 8 May 2002 04:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 8 May 2002 05:20 pm (UTC)