lo que hay adentro

[cimorene]

i love the periwinkle hour, at around 11:30, when the sky has turned much more intensely blue but the trees are still lit with the sunlight--dim, but not cast over in blue yet.

okay, so, now is where i admit i was wrong about the paxil. i wasn't just so thoroughly constantly happy that i might as well drop it because it didn't do anything. that doesn't matter--i couldn't write while on it, and the fact that it killed my writing drive is evidence of more psychoactiveness than i'm comfortable with even if i didn't want to be able to write. which i do.

which is where we come to how i'm still not--although for a few weeks i was, and i produced high rent and nothing to say and about a novella's worth more of coffee!gary oldman and tim roth with perhael.

anyway, i seem to have sunk through the excessive happiness, and for three weeks i was feeling enough of the pain of the world, as it were, to write again. or four or five weeks. and then i sort of punched right through the bottom of that and now i'm apparently too depressed to write. maybe it's not that. i hope it isn't.

the too-much-influenced-by-freud iatrist who first put me on prozac (which didn't work but that wasn't his fault, really) used to talk about anti-depressants, and what they do, as "turning down the emotional thermostat". not taking away the angst, just... moving the baseline. you still feel everything. you just feel it less. that idea should always have been disturbing, probably.

remember yesterday i talked about a freakout. well, i'm still assimilating that. and i'm reading due south fic by speranza to cheer myself up. it's working pretty well.

Comments

[perhael.livejournal.com]

not taking away the angst, just... moving the baseline. you still feel everything. you just feel it less.

i'm not sure if that's how it works for me. i can still be very happy about things, as well as very sad. i think paxil, for me, provides a safety net that keeps me from slipping too deep into the sadness, to the point where it becomes depression. to the point where it becomes unhealthy. i don't think i feel things any less than i used to... i just don't freak out as much about them.

[cimness.livejournal.com]

i don't know if i agree either, just pondering the description, because that was how the shrink repeatedly, and with great emphasis, described it all.

on paxil i was very happy about things a lot, and i could be sad too, but it didn't like WORK on me the way it does in my undrugged state. i was laid back, everything was cool. it was like, "oh, THAT'S sad. huh!" i didn't get involved with the sadness--maybe this is what you were talking about, "slipping deep into it". i didn't invite it in for coffee, i never struck up a conversation, i didn't surreptitiously or overtly scope out the sadness, make notes about its personal tics. the sadness was there, it was okay, but not particularly relevant and really not a big deal. in my natural moody state, i get involved with EVERY emotion. i want to perform an autopsy and go in with the TMI cam, to every nook and crevice on the inside of every emotion, to understand it, to inhabit it from top to bottom.

[cimness.livejournal.com]

if you want to get on msn i'm in the mood to talk about that unfinished csi ny story if you want to read it. not to... bribe or coerce or anything...