(no subject)

so wax had a spare power source lying around. it's ancient and the screw holes are stripped so it's sort of delicately balanced in place, but it's an acceptable stopgap. whew.

cimorene.net update & temporary backup

i can't load cimorene.net, but dreamhost has responded to isilya's pleas and the content should be restored shortly. i still can't log in to waxjism.org, but i think i'm going to put the entire recs/fiction site up there as well for extra backup, once i can log in again (we don't know what's up with that yet. there's nothing off in the content).

meanwhile, i have been given some webspace by the incomparable anatsuno, so for now i've stuck (mostly) the whole site - fic and recs - up at cimorene.anatsuno.net. ♥!

also, i'm thinking, while on the subject of backups, that i'm going to put the rest of the old stuff that wasn't at my writing journal there, too (cimness). almost losing all that lotr and lotr rps stuff really stuck the cold finger of fear up against my soul. i want there to be not the slightest danger of having that feeling again.

new csi!

( csi )

writing in swedish

makes my brain itch and hurt in the same way as listening to norwegian and danish - as if it's something i'm capable of learning as i go by actively and constantly making connections, but not something that i already know how to do. this makes sense, because in a way that is how composing in swedish is for me, a process that involves a much finer and more careful and deliberate process of laying out the sentence and searching my vocabulary for words than the process of composition in english, which is lightning-fast and requires no significant reflection.

writing which is in any way artistic or narrative is worse; because the rich wealth of details, of metaphors and evocative little phrases, are all at the tips of my fingers and all in english. inasmuch as all my thoughtprocesses are tied up in language, all are executed in language, i can even be said to know more in english than in swedish; composing in swedish demotes me from a quick, fluent, and articulate user of language to a hesitant and rather error-prone, much quieter and less self-assured person. (in english i am a know-it-all, frequently willing to leap into class discussions even if no one else but the teacher will participate; in swedish i tense in agony, hunting furiously for the correct words to express what i want to say, then hesitate in indecision: can i pronounce everything? does that really mean what i think it means? i hardly ever contribute to class discussions in swedish.)

what i'm writing is a simple descriptive exercise, the sort of thing i frequently do for fun. if it were in english i wouldn't be able to type fast enough, would barely have to think about what i wanted to say; to write in swedish i have laboured for two hours over a single page, constantly rephrasing and referring to the dictionary. my creativity is running up hard against the wall of my language ability and has been stubbing its toes again and again, with increasing force, all evening. after just a few hours of this i am sparking with nervous energy, fidgeting, even becoming angry.

it makes me think that i truly need to practise more, to get better. i think i had better stick to my resolution to speak swedish at home every other day, and read books in swedish (novels, not just course literature). i want to be able to be proud of my language abilities. i want to stop lacking for self-confidence in discussions and having to silence myself when they veer towards debates. i want to be articulate again.