I'm Married If I Say I Am, or: identity politics

[cimorene]

Other than this incident I really liked the social worker I talked with today, and I wasn't actively offended at the time so much as irritated, but it was one of the thousand papercuts that you eventually die of (or in the case of being a possibly-persecuted minority, maybe just get really fed up with and snap one day and turn into a towering rage beast).

If I say "My wife" in passing to you, regardless of absolutely anything and everything else you can think of (for example: Finland doesn't have gay marriage, just registered partnership, so the actual government doesn't recognize my marriage, but that's a rage blackout for another day)...

don't later say "your partner" to me.

(For one thing: you don't know my circumstances. Maybe we got legally married in Iowa! Which we did. Maybe we got married by jumping over a broom at an informal ceremony officiated by a Unitarian minister, but didn't do any of the paperwork! We didn't. But for another thing, even if you knew my circumstances, if I consider the person I'm in a relationship with to be my wife and that person agrees with the designation, and we aren't in a court of law or a social security office and you aren't a notary or government official, then it's not your business to question my terminology.)

See also: if President Obama identifies as black, he's black even if his mother was white¹.




1. Bonus extra special note to Robin McKinley: FYI, being biracial, which isn't how the President chooses to identify, is still not the same as being "a white guy with a tan". And also, how dark you think his skin is has no bearing on his racial identity, but I do wonder if you also consider all black people with various forms of albinism to be white.

See also: why I can't enjoy Robin McKinley's books anymore, including several of my childhood favorites, so thanks for that.

Comments

[stlkrchck]

i don't usually comment on people's journals, because i'm firmly lurking-only, but i hope you don't mind if i crawl out of my shell to tell you how much i agree with you and how disgusted i am that people do that. i can sort of understand defaulting to "partner" in the event that you hadn't said anything, but since you already referred to her as your "wife," it's just disrespectful not to do the same.

sorry that you have to deal with this :(

[cimorene]

It's ... well, I guess it is better at the time if the person doesn't mean any offense because if I'm only getting friendly vibes from them we're probably both more comfortable. But in a way, it's more dismaying that this kind of slipup comes from people who seem to mean well, because the idea that you'd do something that disrespectful thoughtlessly just shows how firmly ingrained the inferiority is in her mind.

[waxjism]

This is why working-class people are better with shit like that. I say I have a wife, they do not sit around coming up with ways to euphemise that shit. And if they do, you can just tell them to cut it the fuck out, since there's no reason to be polite anyway.

[cimorene]

The trick (with the white collar that is) (badum-ching) is to find a friendly way to say cut it the fuck out, but I was too blank at the time. Maybe something like "No, wife is fine. In fact, we prefer it" next time or just "Wife, yes", with a face projecting that all you heard was an earnest, polite question.

The problem with that is it can be hard to project friendliness or even politeness when irritated.

[ilyena_sylph]

*hugs you, shakes head*

I so feel you on Robin, too. Still furious over that.

[brownbetty]

Agh, I'm glad it was less enraging to you, because you know, being enraged is less fun than depicted on film, but that's wow.

I'm pretty sure the only person who gets to tell you you're not married is your wife.

[cimorene]

Although the Finnish government gave it a try. Hence the rage blackout for another day.

(I cherish a fantasy of having like a Gay Wedding-In protest with tons of gay couples making out on the capitol steps in various bits of wedding outfits and tutus and veils and suits combined with rainbow gay shit and angry posters. Too bad Finns are so easily embarrassed and quiet. I have a feeling it would never happen here. :( But the dickwads in the ruling coalition kinda swore they were gonna pursue gender-neutral marriage this term and apparently it looks like it won't get out of committee after all which has produced a lot of dickwad statements from politicians who need to be glitter-bombed and maybe stub their toes on a dildo or two.)

[phineasjones]

yep.

[cimorene]

Ugh, WHY would you have to tell something this simple to grown-ass adults.

[aeslis]

I had not heard the Robin McKinley thing and, really? Why do people open their mouths in public if crap like this comes out?

[cimorene]

Basically if you are an artist and people buy your shit you should not express your opinions on the Internet. At least, not without a pseudonym to protect your potential fans. In case it ruins my enjoyment of something.