OH EXCUSE YOU

[cimorene]

We were talking about travel and I wanted to say I went to a wee island in Nagu yesterday but I had to start with 'brother-in-law' which is a word that doesn't exist in Finnish, so:

ME: My wife's -
TEACHER: No.
ME: Yes.
TEACHER: No, not wife - husband.
ME: No, my wife.
TEACHER: Ah. - Not in Finland. In Finland it's not possible.
ME: ... Yes, it is wife.
TEACHER: Are you married?
ME: Yes.
TEACHER: In Finland it's not possible for - [I guess she was going to tell me that gay marriage is illegal, which I guess I as a gay person would just be completely ignorant of? It's amazing how often straight people think gay people might not know these things]
ME, on the verge of trembling with anger: Yes, we traveled to America and in America, in Iowa, got married where it is ... legal. [I didn't know the Finnish word for legal].
TEACHER: Oh, okay, I see, blah blah [at this point it was like a complex speech in Finnish and I didn't know all the words and I was too pissed off to track but something something thought I didn't know because something something Finland but now she gets it. This speech was vaguely apologetic but she didn't actually say anything that I recognize as an apology, but then the only Finnish word I've learned for that is 'excuse me' which is probably not the appropriate one anyway.]

But anyway, so I really like this teacher, or at least I did - no, I guess I still do and that's partly why I'm so upset - but anyway, I'm pretty sure this is another person who's completely unaware that what they're doing could be identity policing - they're just correcting you! Helpfully! In case you weren't aware of where the glaring gaps in your basic civil rights are, they want to make sure that you are reminded and not accidentally laying implicit claim to them!

I was so angry that for the remaining 20 minutes of class I just sort of shut down and I couldn't even track what was going on around me and what people were saying. I just sat there angrily drawing in my sketchbook, ranting and raving inside my head and concentrating on not making weird facial expressions.

Then on the bus Farjana and Gigi made me feel better, although I'm not sure they realized I was upset, but they were definitely explicitly acknowledging my relationship AND being super friendly about it so I felt touched.

Comments

[morningfine]

Aaaarrgh. Yeah, dollars to donuts that's exactly how their thought process went. I'm sorry that happened to you. :(

Psst, there actually are words for BIL/SIL in Finnish but since I know first-language speakers who get confused about them, you really couldn't be expected to know. Lanko for BIL, käly for SIL. Might be worth remembering for when you really don't want to give some well-meaning heteronormativity crusader the chance to tell you you don't know your own family relationships?

[cimorene]

But if I did say lanko, someone would say 'anteeksi, mikä on lanko' and then if I didn't answer, the teacher would say 'Miehen veli', probably. I mean, she MIGHT say 'miehen tai naisten veli' or however you say that correctly, but if she just said 'miehen' I'd feel obliged to correct her anyway and it probably would have gone to the same place.

However, I am glad to know these words since outside of this context they could be quite useful!

[morningfine]

Yeah, I did think of that so really, mostly mentioned it for other contexts.

Also seconded that giving feedback (though totally not your responsibility, obviously!!) would be a good thing and I like the letter idea/Wax doing it idea/something that guarantees you're not dragged into a conversation about her good intentions and whatnot.

[waxjism]

I want to write a note for this teacher person that you can give her, that'd be like 'In the future, when someone tells you about their significant other, do not openly question the legality of the relationship in front of the whole class, since that could come across asA FUCKING ACT OF HOSTILITY YOU TWITa bit rude.'

Actually I just want to call her and yell at her a bit. WHAT IS HER NAME I'M GONNA GIVE SOME FEEDBACK.

[cimorene]

Her name is Hanna... Orblin? I think. She's a grandma, remember. Kind of a sweet grandma who sounds like Fluttershy and wears strange shoe-sock-pants combinations.

[guinevere33.livejournal.com]

That is HORRIBLE. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

This kind of crap is 75% worse when it comes from someone who seems well-meaning. It's just another reminder that even nice people still don't think you're a regular person with rights. ARG!

[ceruleanbloods]

Oh, wow. That's definitely a silent white-hot rage moment. I'm really sorry you had to go through that-- not just the interaction itself but then having to SIT there without being able to blow off any steam. Well-meaning bigots really suck.

[cimorene]

If it were just a question of mental health I'd quite like to have left immediately, but unfortunately that would probably give the impression of being a drama queen.

[laughingrat]

Ugggh, how frustrating, for all the reasons you laid out. It's actually worse when it's someone you feel/felt was nice before the incident occurred. :(

[marycontrary]

=( She'd probably benefit from being told that, in a one-on-one setting, but it's not your job to educate people. Sorry it happened to you.

[cimorene]

Maybe on the last day of class. I could give her a letter! Although the sad thing is, as sad as she's already made me, I quite like her and can't quite stomach the idea of leaving her with a negative or upsetting impression and that might do that. :(

[trille]

:(

Much like your teacher, I am SHOCKED that you are aware of the legal standing of gay marriage in Finland. Are you sure you don't want me to tell you all about it?

[cimorene]

One time my mom was like "Oh, and [most recent state to legalize gay marriage], uh..."

"Legalized gay marriage, I know, that was last week, mom."

"You knew that??? But I didn't think you kept up to date on American news!"

"It's gay news, mom. We get it from the internet."

[pause] "You mean there's like... gay news... places just for that? On the INTERNET?"

"Mom, there are plenty of gay community places on the internet. I just follow a blog or two."

"Whoa! REALLY! :O"