Selected Fic Headers: Dwobbit arithmetic, the zombie sister of Rob Lowe, cannibalism

[cimorene]

1. Summary: Bilbo's sister is...disturbing.


2. Summary: Bilbo and Thorin makes love.


3. [Tags] Bofur, Bifur, I am in love with that fucking badger
   


4. Summary: Bilbo has been annoying the dwarves with his game of riddles. One night Thorin agrees to play, only if he wins that he can eat the hobbit. A prompt given to me by someone over at FF.net. I hope they like it :/


5. [Tags] Thorin Oakenshield/Reader, Elrond/Reader, Aragorn/Reader, Legolas/Reader, Thorin Oakenshield, Elrond, Aragorn, Legolas, PWP, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
   Summary: Reader/character-smut. Mmmm. PWP because who needs plot anyway?

Comments

[jamjar]

Random thing that I believe, unrelated to anything except The Hobbit in general.

1) Of all Middle Earth, the Hobbits have by far the best and most comprehensive education, which is a necessity because hobbits are excessively fertile and can breed like bunnies given half a chance and can easily end up with a baker's dozen kids if they're not careful.

2) The talk includes all of the many fun things that can be done that don't run the risk of pregnancy, all the ways a young hobbit (or a middle-aged one, or an older one) can have sex that won't result in two gametes meeting.

3) Dwarves and elves have very low fertility-- they breed slowly and infrequently.

4) So The Talk is given to them pretty late, like, on their wedding night. And they're all very embarrassed about it all, and very shy, and much given to euphemism.


Basically, what I like to imagine that at some point on the journey to Erabor, Bilbo has to give The Talk to like, every dwarrf in the group, starting off with Kili and Fili because Frodo is shocked that nobody's explained this all to them, when they're-- well, not mature as such, but certainly old enough. And then one or two of the older dwarves come up to him and say, "uh, so is it true that if you..." Even the ones with kids, because they're not 100% sure what they did this time that resulted in a baby however many months later.

[cimorene]

I am 100% with you here! I mean, in regards to hobbit fertility and sexual knowledge. The rest is just brilliant.

Actually, there was a prompt a bit like this on the kink meme, but the fill sort of dashed off on a tangent, where instead of actually conveying any general information, he informed them all of the existence of masturbation, and then gave them hands-on instruction, as it were, and then moved on to all the other varieties of sex in turn with live practical demonstrations using random volunteers. So not QUITE an orgy, but still more orgyfic than "Dwarves Meet Sex Ed", which would have been more interesting, really.

I will still never forget hearing someone ask in all seriousness if it was true that you can't get pregnant under water. One of the dwarves should definitely ask that.