the whole process is perfectly, diabolically engineered to create maximum emotional exhaustion

[cimorene]

For some time I've been scoring Undepressed on depression inventories, which means I'm supposed to be phased out of talking to my psychologist, but gradually. Because I'm in the process of trying to establish stable employment, which is very stressful, he's still meeting to check in with me from time to time through it.

But, well, I'm starting to find the check-ins oppressive...

Over the last 18 years I've become an expert at self-monitoring and self-managing anxiety and depression and storms of emotions, and the institutional judgment is correct I think — I don't need to talk to a psychologist for help with that. Check-ins don't hurt in theory (in fact in theory having someone to talk to is probably desirable for the ways it helps force you to articulate your self-monitoring), but in practice they take physical and emotional energy because of the social and practical components of making and going to appointments that I could have better used elsewhere. And I need that energy elsewhere because what I'm not an expert at, and am in fact completely lost at, are executive function and the whole general area of job searching. Talking to my psychologist probably can't help me any more with those, but on the other hand, they're big problems and I don't really know what to do about them (beyond like, 'try to... make lists?'), which is why it also feels wrong (to both of us no doubt) to just say that I'm fine on my own.

What I actually am is well able to handle the anxiety and depression that is a natural and inevitable consequence of the actual problems that are making my life a hassle, but I am having to actively handle them constantly and it's taking up most of my energy, which leaves little for strategizing an even slightly more effective way of dealing with said actual problems.

It's completely inaccurate to say that I don't need help though. I could use help from career counselor kind of people, but because it's nearly impossible to get help from them, my psychologist has been more or less supporting and coaching me through the grueling process of trying to find it, for... several years now, actually. The thing is, it's not his job or his training; there are social workers who are meant to do what he's been doing and who have the correct experience and knowledge and connections, but cutbacks having presumably struck the social workers much harder than the mental health services, they are so close to impossible to access as makes no difference.

I probably couldn't actually do without the coaching though. Almost everything that's ever been useful or close to useful that I've tried has been something I wouldn't've found out about on my own (he's actively searched on my behalf and is better able to find things to try because of his greater familiarity with Finnish bureacracy).

But the thing about check-ins is most of the time I feel like I'm seeing no development (because it's a lot of Hurry and Wait) and there's really nothing FOR me to do except Try to Remain Emotionally Regulated Through This Fucking Stress and Try to Improve Executive Function or Something? If There's Any Resources Left Over???, so I go to an appointment usually just to basically be like "Nothing happened and I tried to remain calm and succeeded about 70% well" for 45 minutes, or else "I finally got an answer; so now I have to [SOMETHING SCARY] and I'm trying to psych myself into doing it and have so far put it off for 1 week, and have only freaked out about it once". That's the basic idea. I am usually exhausted and emotionally drained by each one for up to three days. So it's not that stopping the appointments would be a good idea; I probably do need the coaching! It's just... it's one more tiring thing and it feels like the whole process is perfectly, diabolically engineered to create the maximum of emotional exhaustion.

I feel like writing this post has helped me put it all in order, but it's still an annoying and depressing order that just makes me want to sleep for about three weeks.

Comments

[vass]

This is horribly relatable. I'm sorry it's like this.

[lazaefair]

Executive dysfunction is SUCH a vicious Catch-22 of a problem.

[lilysea]

I relate SO HARD to this post.

I had to stop therapy because it was too exhausting - physically and mentally - despite really needing it.

Why do I need therapy? Because I'm angsty about being so physically/mentally exhausted due to chronic illness.

[cimorene]

Yeah, I mean, I feel like a HUGE amount of my energy goes just to what my psychologist calls "being kind to yourself" (that is, not being guilty about things that you can't do anything about, giving as much benefit of the doubt to yourself as to other people).

[devon]

I am like this, also. I go through periods of just feeling like I'm not getting much out of therapy. I eventually reduce the frequency of my visits, then up them again when things spiral out of control. Take care!