a sudden bereavement (cw death, cancer)

[cimorene]

In my last post about Knypplinge I spoke too soon about several things.

We all thought on Wednesday that my MIL, waxjism's mom, had gallstones and pneumonia, but these symptoms were apparently actually caused by cancer.

She had appendicitis about 5 years ago, and after her appendix was removed they discovered a tumor in it, on the basis of which she has been having regular checkups and follow-ups with an oncologist and most recently got a completely clean bill of health based on oncologist testing about 6 months ago. Between then and now she didn't have any detectable symptoms, not even any mystery symptoms that anybody has put together after the fact, until the not-actually-gallstone symptoms which only started in July, but it was already too advanced then for anything to be done.

We heard on Wednesday evening that it was stage 4 and there was no possibility of recovery and were all assuming a timeline of months. On Thursday morning I was at an appointment with a social worker when Wax texted me that she was at the hospital and the prognosis was now just days. Yesterday Wax's brother, cousins and aunts arrived from out of town in the morning, and in the afternoon treatment failed and the doctors withdrew everything but painkillers. By the time I got there yesterday evening she was unable to speak, although she seemed aware, and she died before midnight. She was 68.

waxjism does not feel up to posting or talking about it and is unlikely to do so in the foreseeable future. (She joked that she should put a note in her bio to follow me for updates on her life events, but she might not feel up to that either.)

None of us had even second-hand knowledge of such a fast timescale for cancer progression and the speed has left everybody shocked and confused. There wasn't even enough time, after the diagnosis, in which MIL was able to communicate and do things in order to discuss and ask all the stuff one might need or want to know. We THINK we know who her lawyer was, but Wax and her brothers didn't remember that she even had a personal one until I pointed it out. She took the password off her phone and transferred a chunk of money to Wax from the loan that the two of them took out together because it was in an account in her name, and that was pretty much all she was able to do except text her close friends the news.

And as previously mentioned a time or two, Wax and I have just bought a house with her, so that's both a mortgage and now a house with an entire inlaw wing that we can neither afford alone (the mortgage payment, that is) nor afford to sell, so we're going to have to figure out how to become landlords. And also the house is halfway renovated and a number of our plans are going to have to be altered now, plus her stuff is jumbled up in the boatshed and at her summer cottage which is not at all ready for winter and also spread over this side of the house mixed up with our stuff because of how a month ago there was a foot of water in the basement and we had to frantically carry it all out of there and stuff it anywhere it would fit.

There was a lot of stuff to deal with already. Like, my executive dysfunctiony brain has been limping along dealing with lists of lists and sublists of things that can be done at different times and are contingent on different things and different people, and even though most of them are actually written down I'm just sort of gingerly mincing around everywhere (figuratively speaking), terrified at every moment that I'm forgetting something I needed to keep track of to do with one of these important things. And Wax is a person who typically doesn't really feel her feelings and is terrified by people emoting at her and also by crying herself so she's having an extremely hard time too, in spite of the fact that nobody has really had time to fully digest events yet.

Comments

[stranger]

Extremely sad to hear about this, and I send sympathy for you both. Wishing you strength in such a difficult situation.

[alexseanchai]

May her memory be eternal.

[ilyena_sylph]

Oh my gods, my friend.

I am so terribly fucking sorry.

[aurumcalendula]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[kellyfaboo]

I'm so sorry for all y'alls loss. English doesn't have a good substitute for vous that isn't southern.

[princessofgeeks]

OMG I am so sorry.

You are both in my thoughts. What a tragic thing to have happen to the family, and so damn fast.

Yikes.

[pensnest]

How awful for you, all the more so because it has happened so fast. You have all my sympathies. On the practical front, the lists are an excellent idea, and when anyone offers help, accept with both hands.

[flamebyrd]

Oh no, I'm so sorry :(

[magnetic_pole]

I am so sorry to hear this news. Wishing you both strength and peace at a difficult time. M.

[fairestcat]

Oh god, that's so awful. My love and sorrow to you and Wax and all of Wax's family.

[copracat]

I am so sorry.

[vass]

Well, fuck. I'm so sorry for your loss and also for the practical complications. That's just horrible.

[eyebrowofdoom]

I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard!

[torachan]

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

That would be awful news at any time, but to have just bought a house with her (and then all the stuff going wrong with the house on top of that) is even worse.

[daegaer]

Oh, how terrible - you and Wax are very much in my thoughts at such a sad time. How awful and shocking for you.

[viggorlijah]

much love and grief for you and Wax. If you need someone to be a daily phone call check in person to go over lists by email or Skype and be practical and kind, I can do that for you through to end of December.

[cimorene]

I really appreciate this a lot! But I realized as I read it that I wasn't organized enough to be able to go over all my lists regularly, so I spent a while trying to gather them up and collate them and am now slightly better off. Although I'll probably still be remembering things I've written down in other places for a while.

[isilya]

I am so sorry for your sudden and shocking loss. My thoughts are with you and Wax and family during this difficult time.

❤️❤️❤️

[makamu]

I am really sorry for your loss. The circumstances sound even more awful than more common cancer stories...

I'll keep you in my thoughts

[mecurtin]

I'm so, so sorry for wax, you, and the whole family. I wish I was closer to be able to help you with the practical stuff, but if there's anything at all we can do to help just send up a flare.

(I thought I had left condolences when your post first went up, but I don't see it now. I just stopped by because I was thinking of you.)

[stellar_dust]

Oh, I am so sorry.

[syderia]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[phosfate]

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

[anatsuno]

I'm catching up very belatedly and just wanted to say I am so, so sorry for your loss. Bereavement is never easy but I can't imagine how much harder it probably is when things take a turn so quickly. You and Wax (and the rest of the family) are very much in my thoughts. ♥

[mirabile]

Dearest Cim, somehow I missed the news about your mother-in-law. I don't know how, except my own Mother passed away in early August so maybe my eyes just skipped over the loss because I know how indescribably painful it is to lose someone. And my Mother was 95 and in poor health, so we knew she didn't have much time. I cannot imagine the level of shock you all must be feeling. Your m-i-l was only two years older than I am -- just horrible to have lost her so soon. Please know you have my deepest sympathy. Many people said to me when my mother died, May her memory be a blessing. I found that quite comforting, to my surprise, so I say it to you and Wax: may her memory be a blessing. I'm thinking of you both.