cimorene: cartoony drawing of a woman's head in profile giving dubious side-eye (Default)
[personal profile] cimorene
yeah, so, fuck, man. it totally sucks. she's really old, but she's this sweet little old lady. i don't see her that much because she lives far away.

and i feel so guilty because i don't relate to her that much. my great-grandparents are like alien creatures. from the 20s, and great-grandpa used to be a trapper, and she lived on a farm, and lived through the Depression. it's just incomprehensible. also, her house is dirty and always smells bad, and i don't like to go there. yet another reason to feel guilty. when we visited our other family in kansas this christmas, my parents went to see her (only for one night), but i skipped and stayed with my cousin/aunt/uncle/second family instead.

fuck.

i don't know if i'm halfway-crying because of the guilt or because i really care about her more than i know or because i feel like i should cry.

(no subject)

Date: 19 Feb 2002 10:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beautifulflaws.livejournal.com
I can really relate to how you are feeling with the guilt thing. Before my grandmother had a stroke and died, I was visiting her with family. She lives a few states away, so it was a family trip. One night I over heard her talking about my dad with my uncle and it hit me, "She really does not like my dad. And he does not either. Why are they talking about him like that?" My Dad can be old fashioned to the point of doing chores for women, especially my grandmother, but my grandmother took offense when he stopped her from doing something (cant exactly remember what) and did it for her. The way she was talking... And the fact that my uncle (my dad and he never got along) was agreeing with her and sort of feeding the fire, so to speak, just made it worse for me. I kept wondering why they were saying those things when they had to have known I could hear it in the other room. And it made me ANGRY! I was so angry at her and Nick (uncle). I had this urge to protect my dad and defend his ways, because he means well and it seemed like my mother?s side of the family was against him in this. I caused this wall to be created between my grandma and myself. Because of my stupid anger. This is the first time I have told anyone this, by the way, and it is making me cry just typing about it. Then she died. She died while I was still angry at her and she never knew why because I never told anyone. I just held all this against her and I don?t think I will ever forgive myself for it. It was just such a dumb thing and she was a wonderful woman.

So I can totally understand how much it hurts to have guilt thrown in to the mix of emotions you are having right now.

(no subject)

Date: 20 Feb 2002 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cimness.livejournal.com
the thing with grandmothers is that they really love you no matter what. like, i'm not sure my great-grandma knows who i am; she has ten children, hundreds of great-grandchildren, nearly ten great-greats by now, i'm pretty sure. so it's not like she is offended or anything--the badness-feeling is on my side, and because my mom'll be pissed at me forever.

but your grandmother didn't die being sad because of you. no way. i don't think grandmas even really think about stuff like that.

it took me a long time to realize this; when my grandmother died, she was really sick and couldn't talk, and i thought she was boring. i still feel guilty for not wanting to stay in the sickroom with her sometimes.

(no subject)

Date: 20 Feb 2002 06:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beautifulflaws.livejournal.com
Thanks for putting it all in that perspective for me. I still feel bad about it, but... I can understand it all more and I feel better because of it. :) *hugs*

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Cimorene

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