my great-grandma had a heart attack.

[cimorene]

yeah, so, fuck, man. it totally sucks. she's really old, but she's this sweet little old lady. i don't see her that much because she lives far away.

and i feel so guilty because i don't relate to her that much. my great-grandparents are like alien creatures. from the 20s, and great-grandpa used to be a trapper, and she lived on a farm, and lived through the Depression. it's just incomprehensible. also, her house is dirty and always smells bad, and i don't like to go there. yet another reason to feel guilty. when we visited our other family in kansas this christmas, my parents went to see her (only for one night), but i skipped and stayed with my cousin/aunt/uncle/second family instead.

fuck.

i don't know if i'm halfway-crying because of the guilt or because i really care about her more than i know or because i feel like i should cry.

Comments

[cimness.livejournal.com]

the thing with grandmothers is that they really love you no matter what. like, i'm not sure my great-grandma knows who i am; she has ten children, hundreds of great-grandchildren, nearly ten great-greats by now, i'm pretty sure. so it's not like she is offended or anything--the badness-feeling is on my side, and because my mom'll be pissed at me forever.

but your grandmother didn't die being sad because of you. no way. i don't think grandmas even really think about stuff like that.

it took me a long time to realize this; when my grandmother died, she was really sick and couldn't talk, and i thought she was boring. i still feel guilty for not wanting to stay in the sickroom with her sometimes.

[beautifulflaws.livejournal.com]

Thanks for putting it all in that perspective for me. I still feel bad about it, but... I can understand it all more and I feel better because of it. :) *hugs*