my great-grandma had a heart attack.

[cimorene]

yeah, so, fuck, man. it totally sucks. she's really old, but she's this sweet little old lady. i don't see her that much because she lives far away.

and i feel so guilty because i don't relate to her that much. my great-grandparents are like alien creatures. from the 20s, and great-grandpa used to be a trapper, and she lived on a farm, and lived through the Depression. it's just incomprehensible. also, her house is dirty and always smells bad, and i don't like to go there. yet another reason to feel guilty. when we visited our other family in kansas this christmas, my parents went to see her (only for one night), but i skipped and stayed with my cousin/aunt/uncle/second family instead.

fuck.

i don't know if i'm halfway-crying because of the guilt or because i really care about her more than i know or because i feel like i should cry.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

It's ok. Nobody knows how they are supposed to feel when something like that happens. There is no need to feel guilty. Obviously you love her and as long as you know that, then I think it will be alright.

[cimness.livejournal.com]

that's a good thought.

[tenebraeli.livejournal.com]

**hugs**

Don't feel guilty, it never helps.

Just, hang in there.

[cimness.livejournal.com]

thanks... i try not to.

get better, you.

life sometimes gives you another chance...

[sirndipiti.livejournal.com]

Yup, it's nasty when someone in the family (near or far) has health problems -- but it's not like you're 7 and your very own mom is dying -- no matter what they say about 'ya can have a heart attack at any age' (look at the b-ball players who croaked on the court -- baaaaad!), the older folks are the ones who have a greater than average chance of nasty things happening -- and the only way to avoid old age and it's travails, is to die young (not much choice there, is it?) -- so, you're lucky to have a g-g-m still around -- but when she finally checks out, you won't have any more chances to talk with her about ... her life, she was your age in a different world, she loved (maybe had lots of loves), she had hopes -- some worked out, some didn't -- how great would it be for you in 10, 20 or 50 years to play some tapes of g-g-m telling how it was -- just a thought, and i know all about committments, things to do and no money for travel and what if she won't talk to me? -- ya never know ... hey, i'm really sorry

Re: life sometimes gives you another chance...

[cimness.livejournal.com]

thank you. you're perfectly right--i should try to see her more, if i do get another chance. and talk to her. i don't know that i've ever really tried to.

[beautifulflaws.livejournal.com]

I can really relate to how you are feeling with the guilt thing. Before my grandmother had a stroke and died, I was visiting her with family. She lives a few states away, so it was a family trip. One night I over heard her talking about my dad with my uncle and it hit me, "She really does not like my dad. And he does not either. Why are they talking about him like that?" My Dad can be old fashioned to the point of doing chores for women, especially my grandmother, but my grandmother took offense when he stopped her from doing something (cant exactly remember what) and did it for her. The way she was talking... And the fact that my uncle (my dad and he never got along) was agreeing with her and sort of feeding the fire, so to speak, just made it worse for me. I kept wondering why they were saying those things when they had to have known I could hear it in the other room. And it made me ANGRY! I was so angry at her and Nick (uncle). I had this urge to protect my dad and defend his ways, because he means well and it seemed like my mother?s side of the family was against him in this. I caused this wall to be created between my grandma and myself. Because of my stupid anger. This is the first time I have told anyone this, by the way, and it is making me cry just typing about it. Then she died. She died while I was still angry at her and she never knew why because I never told anyone. I just held all this against her and I don?t think I will ever forgive myself for it. It was just such a dumb thing and she was a wonderful woman.

So I can totally understand how much it hurts to have guilt thrown in to the mix of emotions you are having right now.

[cimness.livejournal.com]

the thing with grandmothers is that they really love you no matter what. like, i'm not sure my great-grandma knows who i am; she has ten children, hundreds of great-grandchildren, nearly ten great-greats by now, i'm pretty sure. so it's not like she is offended or anything--the badness-feeling is on my side, and because my mom'll be pissed at me forever.

but your grandmother didn't die being sad because of you. no way. i don't think grandmas even really think about stuff like that.

it took me a long time to realize this; when my grandmother died, she was really sick and couldn't talk, and i thought she was boring. i still feel guilty for not wanting to stay in the sickroom with her sometimes.

[beautifulflaws.livejournal.com]

Thanks for putting it all in that perspective for me. I still feel bad about it, but... I can understand it all more and I feel better because of it. :) *hugs*

[silviakundera.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{Cim}}}}}}

I hear you, hon. So sorry about all the not-goodness. ::hugs::

[cimness.livejournal.com]

aw, thanks. *feels better*