regrets

i don't think i've ever been this sad to leave a place i lived before.  i was always too excited about the place i was going, and never quite so attached to the people (aside from my parents) that i'd be leaving. 

now, i suppose, it feels more final, with the wacky fascism over here and my reluctance to return, and the fact that i'll have perry and so very little need to do so, and my parents can't actually afford the plane fares anyway. 

even though i'm leaving thursday, last night was like our farewell dinner with frankrike.  guinevere33 came.  we made pizza and drank riesling and various beers (well... the other people drank beer.  yecch) and talked for a long, long time.  they gave me a farewell present--enrique wrote my name in mayan calligraphy, a combination of the thing for royalty and something like cim with a phoneticization of my real name.  on paper that frank had made.  in a little frame.  i couldn't look at them!  i almost cried! 

i wanted to show them some due south, but left it too late.  they have to drive to florida today.  and now i'll probably never get to!

i just feel like... i've lived here since i was seven; why couldn't we have family friends like them before i went away to college? i've hardly got to spend time with them at all.  we haven't had very many dinners together over all that time since mom first invited them to dinner.  my little sister sees them more than i do, and doesn't properly appreciate it, i'm certain. 

IS the sun gonna shine in my back door today?

AND i've used up the fraser/kowalski at the due south seekrit santa archive. 

question: tell me what you think about this

does xanax have a reputation as a happy pill?  it IS a simple tranquilizer, right?  it tends to put me to sleep, if i take a higher dose.

am i crazy, or is everybody else?

the sad thing is that in our house, they're probably equally likely.  my parents both think i have been in the habit of "saying mean things" about one of daddy's attendants, which i have never consciously done. 

daddy: has anyone seen my attendant?
me: i ate her.

(this is my response whenever anybody asks where something is, regardless of what it is.)

mom: (in hissing whisper) this is why she's so depressed, because she knows you say these things about her.

i said 'what?  what are you talking about?' for ten seconds or so without getting any response.  mom left the room, i started to go back to eating, and then dad whispered 'she knows you say mean things about her.'

'but i don't,' i said.

'you just DID as soon as she left the room,' he said. 

not only do i not say mean things about her, i don't say any things about her.  i have not made a single comment about her to my recollection.  daddy's the one who impunes his attendants' intelligence, but that's a story for another day.  and i kinda thought she was reticent because of a rough divorce combined with the flu.  but what do i know?

i feel like i've jumped into the twilight zone.  do i have an alternate personality who's been saying mean or ambiguously interpretable things about daddy's attendants?  could this explain my complete inability to remember a single speech of mine that could fit this scenario? 

more likely, everyone else is crazy.  but i suppose the world may never know.

up

slashers are connoisseurs of the concept of sweet.

new snape/harry fic

title: Hymn to Eurydike
author: cimorene
fandom: harry potter
pairing: harry/snape
rating: pg
summary: "It is hardly my fault," said Severus, "if your feeble intellect cannot distinguish between the black of your own guilty desires, and my soul."
beta:  thanks to louiselux.

Hymn to Eurydike at my website

ds rec

figure of speech by estrella, nc-17 first-time fraser/ray k.  very nice smut.