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15 May 2012
I've been trying to be more adventurous and more sociable. Being sociable takes a real effort for me because I like talking to people that I already know but I hate talking to people that I don't know yet, so I have to swallow a huge mountain of anxiety and remind myself consciously to smile and make small talk and respond with a question about them if someone asks a friendly question about me, and it's completely exhausting, and plus last week these two Russian girls in my class just came BOOM! outta nowhere with horrifying racism against Somalians (??? they're like our best immigrant demographic in Finland, they culturally value learning Finnish and becoming highly educated and upwardly mobile and shit, so wtf?) and I feel like I was cosmically punished for conversing with them instead of reading fanfic on the ereader.
I mean, basically, in short, I'm just introverted but I need to work with these people on a regular basis and improve my mental and social health by forming relationships with them and use this opportunity to practice how smalltalk works, because I have got to get better at that shit. So I have sternly resolved to try. And I have been trying!
Anyway, I have actually formed friendly connections with several different people from the class (I don't count the Russians I was friendly with before WHOA RACISM because I'm not sure if I can bring myself to be friendly to them now if there's a choice) but I don't know any of them well enough for the anxious period to be over and every day is kind of exciting but also exhausting, and I think I have just become overstimulated and the weekend wasn't really long enough to recover. I probably need a good 3 consecutive days of solitude to process but I can't have it. Maybe I need breathing exercises or, uh, mantras, or something.
Um. Anyone know a good mantra?
I mean, basically, in short, I'm just introverted but I need to work with these people on a regular basis and improve my mental and social health by forming relationships with them and use this opportunity to practice how smalltalk works, because I have got to get better at that shit. So I have sternly resolved to try. And I have been trying!
Anyway, I have actually formed friendly connections with several different people from the class (I don't count the Russians I was friendly with before WHOA RACISM because I'm not sure if I can bring myself to be friendly to them now if there's a choice) but I don't know any of them well enough for the anxious period to be over and every day is kind of exciting but also exhausting, and I think I have just become overstimulated and the weekend wasn't really long enough to recover. I probably need a good 3 consecutive days of solitude to process but I can't have it. Maybe I need breathing exercises or, uh, mantras, or something.
Um. Anyone know a good mantra?