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cimorenei kind of love this episode, so i got carried away in terms of the detail of the recap even though there are only sixteen caps behind the cut. but i mean, it has the alanis morrissette definition of 'irony', it has jim being surprisingly hardcore (which, you know, you expect him to be pretty hardcore), it has extra spock exasperation which ♥♥♥, and, best of all, it has kirk and spock kicking the asses of their obnoxious and stupid superior officers!
also, in general i love when star trek tries to comment on the cold war and stuff. i just. yeah.
KIRK is in a new version of the wrap tunic (longer-waisted, darker green, no black lining), and apparently has not had time for a fitting.
KIRK: wasn't there supposed to be a planet with lots of people here?
SPOCK: well, there definitely isn't one.
KIRK: i had a message for them. planets don't just vanish.
SPOCK: look, man, there's just the two planets and no people at all. and also, that ship there that looks exactly like the enterprise with some burnt spots.
KIRK: hey, if i'm reading that lettering right, that ship is captained by my extremely irritating old buddy matt decker. you remember, spock, the one who sent us that vulgar decorative ashtray for the wedding?
SPOCK: oh, right, him. hey, isn't he a commodore, which is a rank coincidentally higher than yours?
KIRK: yes, but even though he yells all the time and is as dumb as a post, my inherent goodness of character and loyalty mean i don't resent that at all.
SPOCK: i resent it enough for both of us.
KIRK: aw, baby, you're sweet. listen, stay here in the captain's chair for a while and i'm gonna hop over to the broken ship hanging in space with scotty and some redshirts. i'm sure it's not dangerous or anything.
SPOCK: i wonder if the broken ship hanging in space has anything to do with the missing planet.
KIRK: hmmm, i don't think so. why would it?
KIRK, SCOTTY, MCCOY and 3 redshirts (whose shirts are, actually, blue and gold) take their box lunches over to DECKER's ship, the constellation. it looks exactly like the enterprise from the inside too, except that there are lots of pipes and cables hanging down out of the ceiling.
it is completely empty, until they come to auxiliary control and find KIRK's extremely irritating old buddy DECKER there. he's insane. he's also a commodore.
KIRK: hi matt!
DECKER: mmuh?
KIRK: matt?
DECKER: sea monkey stole my wrench.
KIRK: SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN.
DECKER: wha? jim? JIM, IT WAS TERRIBLE. WAUUUGH. GONE, ALL GONE, MY BABIES! A GREAT THING LIKE A GARBAGE COMPACTOR THAT WANTED TO EAT THE UNIVERSE! AIIE, THE HORROR!
KIRK: what?
DECKER: *sobbing brokenly*
KIRK: matt, what are you doing up here all by yourself? where are your crew?
DECKER: well, this giant THING came and ate the fourth planet, leaving not so much as a speck of rubble, because it ate it all like a giant automatic garbage compactor. it also zapped us with a raygun and the engines stopped working. the life support was going to eventually run out after quite some time so i decided they would be safer on the third planet.
KIRK: there is no third planet.
DECKER: NOT ANYMORE.
KIRK: oh so--you killed your crew?
DECKER: *wails*
KIRK: wow! you must feel terrible! that's like my worst nightmare! the one where i kill all four hundred of them, and then i feel like a murderer!
DECKER: *gnashes teeth*
KIRK: worse than that, i feel i've committed genocide! or fratricide! or a combination of genocide, and killing my own babies! i'd rather die than have that happen! you must feel like the lowest of the low!
DECKER: *wails*
KIRK: ...hey, man, don't cry. it's not your fault.
so KIRK is brooding. you would too if a garbage compactor was trying to eat the universe. but actually, i think he's pondering the "old earth" term "doomsday machine" and its funny, quaint little contemporary historical context.
DECKER keeps being hysterical, so KIRK has MCCOY take him back to the enterprise to "let him help you", said in the tone that is obviously code for "let him give you some nice psychiatric treatment".
KIRK, for some reason not all that alarmed by the missing planets and automatic garbage compactor that wants to eat the universe issue, decides to stay on the constellation while SCOTTY tries to fix its engines so they can tow it.
and then DECKER's garbage compactor reappears and comes after the enterprise.
SPOCK is narrating this for KIRK over ship-to-ship communication.
SPOCK: it's definitely automatic, plus we've got a good scan and its hull is completely impermeable. none of our weapons are gonna be able to even scratch it, plus we can't even get close enough for a detailed scan without it grabbing us with its automatic proximity-grabbing function.
KIRK: well, take the shields down long enough to beam us up.
(he's really pulling out all the stops on manly heterosexual poses too, which is a pity cause spock's not even there.)
they do, and the garbage compactor blasts them, knocking them all out of their chairs.
SPOCK: captain, are you there?
KIRK: yeeees, are you?
SPOCK: we've been blasted and the transporters are broken. also, the communications are about to go out.
then communications go out.
KIRK: fuck! we're trapped with no phone, no viewscreen and no engine!
SCOTTY: and on top of that, mccoy took our lunchboxes!
KIRK: all right, scotty, you fix the engines, and blueshirt, you help me fix the viewscreen. even if i can't talk to spock, maybe we can find some reruns of the simpsons or an infomercial to pass the time.
KIRK, SCOTTY and the BLUESHIRT get to work.
KIRK thinks, "this is all i needed. a giant automatic garbage compactor trying to eat the universe, a bad wardrobe day, and an overemoting asshole on my hands who can pull rank. thank god i left spock to take care of the enterprise."
little does he know. the garbage compactor has lost interest in the enterprise and is heading for the rigel system, aka the most densely-populated sector of the galaxy.
SPOCK: it's programmed to ignore anything more than half a tv screen away. great, we'll take the ten minutes to go back to the constellation and pick up the captain, in case he has any opinions about what should be done.
DECKER: you can't let the garbage compactor set a course for rigel! why, at its space-slug pace, it could get there within a week! there's no way we could make up those lost ten minutes with the power of our warp engines!
SPOCK: *eyeroll* sulu, since as you know the captain doesn't approve of embarrassing the brass in front of underlings no matter how moronic that brass is, i'm just going to ignore that faint buzzing sound and reiterate casually that i want you to turn the damn ship around so we can pick up the captain.
DECKER: SULU, GO AFTER THE GARBAGE COMPACTOR.
EVERYONE ON THE BRIDGE: dude, spock, would you please just smack the guy?
SPOCK: sulu, follow my orders.
DECKER: i outrank you, spock!
SPOCK: yeah, but somehow i think my boo would prefer that i NOT destroy his ship by attacking when we have no chance whatsoever of even making the slightest difference.
DECKER: out of that chair! i am taking command!
SPOCK: ...okay.
EVERYONE ELSE ON THE BRIDGE, AND WATCHING: WHAT?
MCCOY: WHAT?
SPOCK: regs are regs, doctor.
MCCOY: i don't give a flying fuck about regs!
SPOCK: if you can certify him crazy and unfit for command i can take over.
MCCOY: DONE.
SPOCK: but then you have to prove it with an exam result.
MCCOY: well, as chief doctor i have the right to force anyone to have a medical exam if i think they need it, but i guess i won't do that right now.
SPOCK: okay, cool.
DECKER takes the enterprise straight at the garbage compactor.
meanwhile, back on the constellation, KIRK and the blueshirt managed to fix the viewscreen. so KIRK turns it on...
...to see the enterprise going straight at the garbage compactor.
KIRK: what the hell is going on?1
KIRK watches as the enterprise fires about 50 times, making less than no impression on the garbage compactor, just like SPOCK said their weapons would do.
KIRK: has my baby COMPLETELY LOST IT?
KIRK tries to call the enterprise, but communications are still down.
the garbage compactor blasts the enterprise's shields away, injuring some people, then grabs it in a tractor beam and starts to slowly suck it into the... *ahem* fiery mouth. thing.
SPOCK: we need to break the tractor beam within one minute or we will be sucked into the flaming jaws of hell and consumed for fuel.
DECKER, emitting flecks of spittle: KEEP FIRING! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WE HAVE TO DESTROY IT!!!
SPOCK, in the understatement of the episode: that, sir, is illogical. trying to kill yourself would be proof that you were unfit for command. turn the fuck around or you're relieved.
SULU: he already tried! doesn't that count? can't you just relieve him anyway?
DECKER: oh FINE.
SULU: we can't break loose! there's no more power!
DECKER: YAY! hey guys, i know our phasers aren't doing anything, but everybody start making spitballs, because that's my next cunning plan!
SPOCK: fuck, jim is going to kill me.
KIRK watches on the screen as the enterprise is sucked almost all the way into the garbage compactor's mouth, and right then SCOTTY says he has a bit of engine power. he uses it to bring the constellation right up under the g.c.'s nose.
KIRK: if i only had some phasers!
SCOTTY: phasers! oh, those have been ready for hours! it didn't occur to me that you might want them in this kind of battle situation!
KIRK: scotty, you've just earned your pay for the week.
he fires on the g.c., successfully distracting it. it lets the enterprise go and turns to come after the constellation.
DECKER: good boy, jim! between the two of us we'll kill that thing!2
SPOCK: we have no shields and, at this rate, only seven hours of fuel. we should pick up our guys on the constellation before we run out.
DECKER: so we'll have to kill it right away! :D
SPOCK AND EVERYONE: *facepalm*
1. this is an actual quote.
2. this too.
UHURA'S TEMPORARY REPLACEMENT: mr spock, i have communications. captain kirk on line one.
KIRK: enterprise, enterprise, come in--
SPOCK starts forward.
DECKER: mr spock, i am still in command and i will speak for this ship. yo, jim, buddy! it's decker!
KIRK, baffled: matt... wtf are you doing there? i have to talk to spock.
DECKER: i'm in command here.
KIRK, alarmed: what happened to spock?
DECKER: nothing! i just took over! since your underling was refusing to fight like a big pussy--
KIRK: YOU MEAN YOU'RE THE MANIAC WHO'S BEEN TRYING TO DESTROY MY SHIP?
DECKER: hey! you're talking to a senior officer!
KIRK: give me spock before i reach down this radio wave, rip off your balls and shove them down your throat.
DECKER: i told you i'm in charge! if you have anything to say, you can say it to me!
KIRK: i only have one thing to say to you, and that is GET MY SHIP OUT OF THERE! spock! status!
SPOCK: the transporter's being repaired and the only other thing that still works are the impulse engines.
SULU: it's gaining, captain.
KIRK: evasive action, mr sulu!
DECKER: i TOLD you, i am the boss! we're going to attack!
KIRK: not with MY ship you don't! spock, relieve commodore decker immediately!
SPOCK: finally!
DECKER: bullshit, that's completely illegal!
KIRK: spock, that's a direct order.
SPOCK: you don't have to tell me twice. bitch, out of my boyfriend's chair!
DECKER: i don't recognise your authoritay!
SPOCK: even my indescribably superior intelligence cannot find words to explain how little that matters to me. after i'm done saving us from the fallout of your shitty plans you can file a formal complaint on starfleet's facebook, but for now you have a count of three before your skanky ass is arrested.
DECKER: you so wouldn't.
SPOCK makes one of the sexiest spock-gestures ever, lifting two fingers to call the security guards without looking away.
DECKER: you're bluffing.
SPOCK: vulcans. never. bluff.
DECKER: ...take your stupid bridge. i didn't even want it anyway.
SPOCK: captain, i have reclaimed your chair, but hold on. redshirts, the commodore, as you can see, is in extremely fucking urgent need of a psychiatric evaluation. show him the way kicking and screaming if necessary.
A REDSHIRT, looking extremely happy, hustles DECKER into the turbolift.
SPOCK: baby, we're on our way to pick you up.
KIRK: awesome.
we see DECKER beat up the REDSHIRT and then steal a shuttlecraft.
KIRK: wtf are you jokers doing now?
SPOCK: hey, i didn't know about it.
DECKER: shuttlecraft to enterprise, it's me, decker.
KIRK: jesus christ.
SPOCK: commodore, bring the shuttle back now. you're grounded.
DECKER: spock, you said we can't blast through from the outside, so i'm going to shoot it from the inside with this pop-gun i brought along. it's the only way to destroy it.
SPOCK: but that isn't going to work.
DECKER: i don't care! i'm crazy!
SPOCK: oh well, can't argue with that.
KIRK: matt, don't do this! dim starfleet brass may be a dime a dozen, but shuttles don't come cheap!
DECKER flies into the g.c. and gets eaten.
GARBAGE COMPACTOR: ooh, zesty.
SPOCK, aside: well, that's one less source of headaches in the universe. [to KIRK:] hey, baby... baby?
KIRK: yeah, i'm here.
SPOCK: listen, i'm sorry about your friend. his death was regrettable.3
KIRK, being seriously hardcore: it's regrettable that he died for nothing.4
SPOCK: suddenly i feel turned on.
3. & 4.: also direct quotes.
SULU: hey, the machine lost a little bit of power. think the shuttle did it?
KIRK: spock, is it possible?
SPOCK: it was definitely the shuttle, but it doesn't help since it still has a zillion times the power we do.
UHURA'S TEMPORARY REPLACEMENT: transporters are up.
KIRK: beam up the other guys, scotty and i will stay.
SPOCK: honey, are you feeling all right? that's kind of a stupid idea. there's nothing to gain.
KIRK: except, possibly, DESTROYING THE GARBAGE COMPACTOR FOR GOOD. decker gave me an idea! spock, am i correct in assuming a fusion explosion of 97 megatons will result if you overload a starship engine?
SPOCK: no. it's 97 point 835 megatons.
KIRK: whatever. is it enough to blow up the g.c.?
SPOCK: jesus, how many times do i have to explain this to you humans? the hull is IMPERMEABLE. impermeable means that it can't be breached by any method known to mankind or, more significantly, vulcankind.
KIRK: sorry if i made your ulcer worse, baby, i should have been clear that i meant an explosion from the inside of the thing.
SPOCK: oh, i don't know, let me check.
KIRK has SCOTTY rig the engines to overload on a 30-second delay with a trigger button at the console where he's sitting.
SPOCK: captain, i have no idea if it will work. also, you're getting awfully close to the planet-killer.
KIRK: i intend to get a lot closer. i'm gonna ram 'er right down that thing's throat!
SPOCK makes a truly awesome instant scowl and straightens deliberately.
then we see this vulnerability in his facial expression,
but it appears as if it's been there all along and we simply weren't noticing it.
SPOCK, with almost completely straight delivery: jim, you'll be killed. just like decker.
KIRK, with a tiny hint of a smile: no, i don't intend to die, mr spock. we've rigged a delay device. you'll have 30 seconds to beam me up.
SPOCK is not mollified.
SPOCK: your chances of survival are... not promising, and we don't even know if it will work.
KIRK: a calculated risk, mr spock!
SPOCK: the transporter's still on the fritz.
KIRK: listen, i'd love to chat, but i'm kinda busy, we'll talk when i get back. love you!
KIRK hangs up.
SCOTTY beams up, but the transporter breaks. he runs into a jeffries tube to fix it while KIRK gets closer... and closer... and closer to the GC.
SCOTTY: it's fixed but he'd better go RIGHT NOW or it'll break again.
SPOCK: captain, you've got to go RIGHT NOW or it won't work.
KIRK: wait, wait... wait... [he finally pushes the little red button] okay.
SPOCK: energise.
TRANSPORTER: *emits a puff of sparks and smoke*
KIRK: hey... i'm still here.
SCOTTY: fuck!
SPOCK: scotty, you have twenty-eight seconds, and if the captain dies i'm going to kill you.
SCOTTY: *starts fixing*
KIRK: gentlemen... beam me aboard.
SPOCK: we tried but SOMEONE didn't want to come and now the transporter is broken again and if you die, i'm going to kill you, and if you don't die, i would withhold sex except i will be too happy to see you.
KIRK: understood.
[...]
KIRK: gentlemen, i suggest you beam me aboard now...
KIRK: you know what would be a kind of sucky way to die?
SCOTTY: *finishes with half a second to spare* done!
the g.c. makes a booming noise and a little explosion, and then goes dark. then KIRK appears on the transporter pad and races for the bridge.
SPOCK: no energy output...
KIRK bursts onto the bridge and stares at the g.c. on the viewscreen.
SPOCK looks up from SULU's console.
his eyes fix on KIRK and his face lights up.
he walks slowly across the bridge without taking his eyes off KIRK's face or stopping smiling.
SPOCK, flirtatiously: hey there, stranger.
KIRK grins at him.
SPOCK: good work. it's totally dead.
KIRK: fabulous. too bad about decker. he didn't used to be a raving maniac and he was trying to help other people, in his own completely wrong way.
SPOCK: so you're going to lie in your report about him then?
KIRK: hell yes.
SPOCK: that's my lawfully wedded spouse!
KIRK: isn't it kind of ironic that we were calling the garbage compactor a doomsday machine, but then we used a fusion explosion, which is kind of like a...
KIRK: no, wait... well what about rain on your wedding...
KIRK: no, okay, well, wouldn't a free ride be ironic when... no, fuck it. i've got a coffee break. spock, are you... coming? *eyebrow quirk*
SPOCK: hell yes.
but the credits arrive before they get into any compromising positions.
also, in general i love when star trek tries to comment on the cold war and stuff. i just. yeah.
KIRK is in a new version of the wrap tunic (longer-waisted, darker green, no black lining), and apparently has not had time for a fitting.
KIRK: wasn't there supposed to be a planet with lots of people here?
SPOCK: well, there definitely isn't one.
KIRK: i had a message for them. planets don't just vanish.
SPOCK: look, man, there's just the two planets and no people at all. and also, that ship there that looks exactly like the enterprise with some burnt spots.
KIRK: hey, if i'm reading that lettering right, that ship is captained by my extremely irritating old buddy matt decker. you remember, spock, the one who sent us that vulgar decorative ashtray for the wedding?
SPOCK: oh, right, him. hey, isn't he a commodore, which is a rank coincidentally higher than yours?
KIRK: yes, but even though he yells all the time and is as dumb as a post, my inherent goodness of character and loyalty mean i don't resent that at all.
SPOCK: i resent it enough for both of us.
KIRK: aw, baby, you're sweet. listen, stay here in the captain's chair for a while and i'm gonna hop over to the broken ship hanging in space with scotty and some redshirts. i'm sure it's not dangerous or anything.
SPOCK: i wonder if the broken ship hanging in space has anything to do with the missing planet.
KIRK: hmmm, i don't think so. why would it?
KIRK, SCOTTY, MCCOY and 3 redshirts (whose shirts are, actually, blue and gold) take their box lunches over to DECKER's ship, the constellation. it looks exactly like the enterprise from the inside too, except that there are lots of pipes and cables hanging down out of the ceiling.
it is completely empty, until they come to auxiliary control and find KIRK's extremely irritating old buddy DECKER there. he's insane. he's also a commodore.
KIRK: hi matt!
DECKER: mmuh?
KIRK: matt?
DECKER: sea monkey stole my wrench.
KIRK: SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN.
DECKER: wha? jim? JIM, IT WAS TERRIBLE. WAUUUGH. GONE, ALL GONE, MY BABIES! A GREAT THING LIKE A GARBAGE COMPACTOR THAT WANTED TO EAT THE UNIVERSE! AIIE, THE HORROR!
KIRK: what?
DECKER: *sobbing brokenly*
KIRK: matt, what are you doing up here all by yourself? where are your crew?
DECKER: well, this giant THING came and ate the fourth planet, leaving not so much as a speck of rubble, because it ate it all like a giant automatic garbage compactor. it also zapped us with a raygun and the engines stopped working. the life support was going to eventually run out after quite some time so i decided they would be safer on the third planet.
KIRK: there is no third planet.
DECKER: NOT ANYMORE.
KIRK: oh so--you killed your crew?
DECKER: *wails*
KIRK: wow! you must feel terrible! that's like my worst nightmare! the one where i kill all four hundred of them, and then i feel like a murderer!
DECKER: *gnashes teeth*
KIRK: worse than that, i feel i've committed genocide! or fratricide! or a combination of genocide, and killing my own babies! i'd rather die than have that happen! you must feel like the lowest of the low!
DECKER: *wails*
KIRK: ...hey, man, don't cry. it's not your fault.
so KIRK is brooding. you would too if a garbage compactor was trying to eat the universe. but actually, i think he's pondering the "old earth" term "doomsday machine" and its funny, quaint little contemporary historical context.
DECKER keeps being hysterical, so KIRK has MCCOY take him back to the enterprise to "let him help you", said in the tone that is obviously code for "let him give you some nice psychiatric treatment".
KIRK, for some reason not all that alarmed by the missing planets and automatic garbage compactor that wants to eat the universe issue, decides to stay on the constellation while SCOTTY tries to fix its engines so they can tow it.
and then DECKER's garbage compactor reappears and comes after the enterprise.
SPOCK is narrating this for KIRK over ship-to-ship communication.
SPOCK: it's definitely automatic, plus we've got a good scan and its hull is completely impermeable. none of our weapons are gonna be able to even scratch it, plus we can't even get close enough for a detailed scan without it grabbing us with its automatic proximity-grabbing function.
KIRK: well, take the shields down long enough to beam us up.
(he's really pulling out all the stops on manly heterosexual poses too, which is a pity cause spock's not even there.)
they do, and the garbage compactor blasts them, knocking them all out of their chairs.
SPOCK: captain, are you there?
KIRK: yeeees, are you?
SPOCK: we've been blasted and the transporters are broken. also, the communications are about to go out.
then communications go out.
KIRK: fuck! we're trapped with no phone, no viewscreen and no engine!
SCOTTY: and on top of that, mccoy took our lunchboxes!
KIRK: all right, scotty, you fix the engines, and blueshirt, you help me fix the viewscreen. even if i can't talk to spock, maybe we can find some reruns of the simpsons or an infomercial to pass the time.
KIRK, SCOTTY and the BLUESHIRT get to work.
KIRK thinks, "this is all i needed. a giant automatic garbage compactor trying to eat the universe, a bad wardrobe day, and an overemoting asshole on my hands who can pull rank. thank god i left spock to take care of the enterprise."
little does he know. the garbage compactor has lost interest in the enterprise and is heading for the rigel system, aka the most densely-populated sector of the galaxy.
SPOCK: it's programmed to ignore anything more than half a tv screen away. great, we'll take the ten minutes to go back to the constellation and pick up the captain, in case he has any opinions about what should be done.
DECKER: you can't let the garbage compactor set a course for rigel! why, at its space-slug pace, it could get there within a week! there's no way we could make up those lost ten minutes with the power of our warp engines!
SPOCK: *eyeroll* sulu, since as you know the captain doesn't approve of embarrassing the brass in front of underlings no matter how moronic that brass is, i'm just going to ignore that faint buzzing sound and reiterate casually that i want you to turn the damn ship around so we can pick up the captain.
DECKER: SULU, GO AFTER THE GARBAGE COMPACTOR.
EVERYONE ON THE BRIDGE: dude, spock, would you please just smack the guy?
SPOCK: sulu, follow my orders.
DECKER: i outrank you, spock!
SPOCK: yeah, but somehow i think my boo would prefer that i NOT destroy his ship by attacking when we have no chance whatsoever of even making the slightest difference.
DECKER: out of that chair! i am taking command!
SPOCK: ...okay.
EVERYONE ELSE ON THE BRIDGE, AND WATCHING: WHAT?
MCCOY: WHAT?
SPOCK: regs are regs, doctor.
MCCOY: i don't give a flying fuck about regs!
SPOCK: if you can certify him crazy and unfit for command i can take over.
MCCOY: DONE.
SPOCK: but then you have to prove it with an exam result.
MCCOY: well, as chief doctor i have the right to force anyone to have a medical exam if i think they need it, but i guess i won't do that right now.
SPOCK: okay, cool.
DECKER takes the enterprise straight at the garbage compactor.
meanwhile, back on the constellation, KIRK and the blueshirt managed to fix the viewscreen. so KIRK turns it on...
...to see the enterprise going straight at the garbage compactor.
KIRK: what the hell is going on?1
KIRK watches as the enterprise fires about 50 times, making less than no impression on the garbage compactor, just like SPOCK said their weapons would do.
KIRK: has my baby COMPLETELY LOST IT?
KIRK tries to call the enterprise, but communications are still down.
the garbage compactor blasts the enterprise's shields away, injuring some people, then grabs it in a tractor beam and starts to slowly suck it into the... *ahem* fiery mouth. thing.
SPOCK: we need to break the tractor beam within one minute or we will be sucked into the flaming jaws of hell and consumed for fuel.
DECKER, emitting flecks of spittle: KEEP FIRING! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WE HAVE TO DESTROY IT!!!
SPOCK, in the understatement of the episode: that, sir, is illogical. trying to kill yourself would be proof that you were unfit for command. turn the fuck around or you're relieved.
SULU: he already tried! doesn't that count? can't you just relieve him anyway?
DECKER: oh FINE.
SULU: we can't break loose! there's no more power!
DECKER: YAY! hey guys, i know our phasers aren't doing anything, but everybody start making spitballs, because that's my next cunning plan!
SPOCK: fuck, jim is going to kill me.
KIRK watches on the screen as the enterprise is sucked almost all the way into the garbage compactor's mouth, and right then SCOTTY says he has a bit of engine power. he uses it to bring the constellation right up under the g.c.'s nose.
KIRK: if i only had some phasers!
SCOTTY: phasers! oh, those have been ready for hours! it didn't occur to me that you might want them in this kind of battle situation!
KIRK: scotty, you've just earned your pay for the week.
he fires on the g.c., successfully distracting it. it lets the enterprise go and turns to come after the constellation.
DECKER: good boy, jim! between the two of us we'll kill that thing!2
SPOCK: we have no shields and, at this rate, only seven hours of fuel. we should pick up our guys on the constellation before we run out.
DECKER: so we'll have to kill it right away! :D
SPOCK AND EVERYONE: *facepalm*
1. this is an actual quote.
2. this too.
UHURA'S TEMPORARY REPLACEMENT: mr spock, i have communications. captain kirk on line one.
KIRK: enterprise, enterprise, come in--
SPOCK starts forward.
DECKER: mr spock, i am still in command and i will speak for this ship. yo, jim, buddy! it's decker!
KIRK, baffled: matt... wtf are you doing there? i have to talk to spock.
DECKER: i'm in command here.
KIRK, alarmed: what happened to spock?
DECKER: nothing! i just took over! since your underling was refusing to fight like a big pussy--
KIRK: YOU MEAN YOU'RE THE MANIAC WHO'S BEEN TRYING TO DESTROY MY SHIP?
DECKER: hey! you're talking to a senior officer!
KIRK: give me spock before i reach down this radio wave, rip off your balls and shove them down your throat.
DECKER: i told you i'm in charge! if you have anything to say, you can say it to me!
KIRK: i only have one thing to say to you, and that is GET MY SHIP OUT OF THERE! spock! status!
SPOCK: the transporter's being repaired and the only other thing that still works are the impulse engines.
SULU: it's gaining, captain.
KIRK: evasive action, mr sulu!
DECKER: i TOLD you, i am the boss! we're going to attack!
KIRK: not with MY ship you don't! spock, relieve commodore decker immediately!
SPOCK: finally!
DECKER: bullshit, that's completely illegal!
KIRK: spock, that's a direct order.
SPOCK: you don't have to tell me twice. bitch, out of my boyfriend's chair!
DECKER: i don't recognise your authoritay!
SPOCK: even my indescribably superior intelligence cannot find words to explain how little that matters to me. after i'm done saving us from the fallout of your shitty plans you can file a formal complaint on starfleet's facebook, but for now you have a count of three before your skanky ass is arrested.
DECKER: you so wouldn't.
SPOCK makes one of the sexiest spock-gestures ever, lifting two fingers to call the security guards without looking away.
DECKER: you're bluffing.
SPOCK: vulcans. never. bluff.
DECKER: ...take your stupid bridge. i didn't even want it anyway.
SPOCK: captain, i have reclaimed your chair, but hold on. redshirts, the commodore, as you can see, is in extremely fucking urgent need of a psychiatric evaluation. show him the way kicking and screaming if necessary.
A REDSHIRT, looking extremely happy, hustles DECKER into the turbolift.
SPOCK: baby, we're on our way to pick you up.
KIRK: awesome.
we see DECKER beat up the REDSHIRT and then steal a shuttlecraft.
KIRK: wtf are you jokers doing now?
SPOCK: hey, i didn't know about it.
DECKER: shuttlecraft to enterprise, it's me, decker.
KIRK: jesus christ.
SPOCK: commodore, bring the shuttle back now. you're grounded.
DECKER: spock, you said we can't blast through from the outside, so i'm going to shoot it from the inside with this pop-gun i brought along. it's the only way to destroy it.
SPOCK: but that isn't going to work.
DECKER: i don't care! i'm crazy!
SPOCK: oh well, can't argue with that.
KIRK: matt, don't do this! dim starfleet brass may be a dime a dozen, but shuttles don't come cheap!
DECKER flies into the g.c. and gets eaten.
GARBAGE COMPACTOR: ooh, zesty.
SPOCK, aside: well, that's one less source of headaches in the universe. [to KIRK:] hey, baby... baby?
KIRK: yeah, i'm here.
SPOCK: listen, i'm sorry about your friend. his death was regrettable.3
KIRK, being seriously hardcore: it's regrettable that he died for nothing.4
SPOCK: suddenly i feel turned on.
3. & 4.: also direct quotes.
SULU: hey, the machine lost a little bit of power. think the shuttle did it?
KIRK: spock, is it possible?
SPOCK: it was definitely the shuttle, but it doesn't help since it still has a zillion times the power we do.
UHURA'S TEMPORARY REPLACEMENT: transporters are up.
KIRK: beam up the other guys, scotty and i will stay.
SPOCK: honey, are you feeling all right? that's kind of a stupid idea. there's nothing to gain.
KIRK: except, possibly, DESTROYING THE GARBAGE COMPACTOR FOR GOOD. decker gave me an idea! spock, am i correct in assuming a fusion explosion of 97 megatons will result if you overload a starship engine?
SPOCK: no. it's 97 point 835 megatons.
KIRK: whatever. is it enough to blow up the g.c.?
SPOCK: jesus, how many times do i have to explain this to you humans? the hull is IMPERMEABLE. impermeable means that it can't be breached by any method known to mankind or, more significantly, vulcankind.
KIRK: sorry if i made your ulcer worse, baby, i should have been clear that i meant an explosion from the inside of the thing.
SPOCK: oh, i don't know, let me check.
KIRK has SCOTTY rig the engines to overload on a 30-second delay with a trigger button at the console where he's sitting.
SPOCK: captain, i have no idea if it will work. also, you're getting awfully close to the planet-killer.
KIRK: i intend to get a lot closer. i'm gonna ram 'er right down that thing's throat!
SPOCK makes a truly awesome instant scowl and straightens deliberately.
then we see this vulnerability in his facial expression,
but it appears as if it's been there all along and we simply weren't noticing it.
SPOCK, with almost completely straight delivery: jim, you'll be killed. just like decker.
KIRK, with a tiny hint of a smile: no, i don't intend to die, mr spock. we've rigged a delay device. you'll have 30 seconds to beam me up.
SPOCK is not mollified.
SPOCK: your chances of survival are... not promising, and we don't even know if it will work.
KIRK: a calculated risk, mr spock!
SPOCK: the transporter's still on the fritz.
KIRK: listen, i'd love to chat, but i'm kinda busy, we'll talk when i get back. love you!
KIRK hangs up.
SCOTTY beams up, but the transporter breaks. he runs into a jeffries tube to fix it while KIRK gets closer... and closer... and closer to the GC.
SCOTTY: it's fixed but he'd better go RIGHT NOW or it'll break again.
SPOCK: captain, you've got to go RIGHT NOW or it won't work.
KIRK: wait, wait... wait... [he finally pushes the little red button] okay.
SPOCK: energise.
TRANSPORTER: *emits a puff of sparks and smoke*
KIRK: hey... i'm still here.
SCOTTY: fuck!
SPOCK: scotty, you have twenty-eight seconds, and if the captain dies i'm going to kill you.
SCOTTY: *starts fixing*
KIRK: gentlemen... beam me aboard.
SPOCK: we tried but SOMEONE didn't want to come and now the transporter is broken again and if you die, i'm going to kill you, and if you don't die, i would withhold sex except i will be too happy to see you.
KIRK: understood.
[...]
KIRK: gentlemen, i suggest you beam me aboard now...
KIRK: you know what would be a kind of sucky way to die?
SCOTTY: *finishes with half a second to spare* done!
the g.c. makes a booming noise and a little explosion, and then goes dark. then KIRK appears on the transporter pad and races for the bridge.
SPOCK: no energy output...
KIRK bursts onto the bridge and stares at the g.c. on the viewscreen.
SPOCK looks up from SULU's console.
his eyes fix on KIRK and his face lights up.
he walks slowly across the bridge without taking his eyes off KIRK's face or stopping smiling.
SPOCK, flirtatiously: hey there, stranger.
KIRK grins at him.
SPOCK: good work. it's totally dead.
KIRK: fabulous. too bad about decker. he didn't used to be a raving maniac and he was trying to help other people, in his own completely wrong way.
SPOCK: so you're going to lie in your report about him then?
KIRK: hell yes.
SPOCK: that's my lawfully wedded spouse!
KIRK: isn't it kind of ironic that we were calling the garbage compactor a doomsday machine, but then we used a fusion explosion, which is kind of like a...
KIRK: no, wait... well what about rain on your wedding...
KIRK: no, okay, well, wouldn't a free ride be ironic when... no, fuck it. i've got a coffee break. spock, are you... coming? *eyebrow quirk*
SPOCK: hell yes.
but the credits arrive before they get into any compromising positions.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 03:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 06:22 pm (UTC)well, i guess i actually draw the line at inviting jesus into my heart, but other than that, like.
♥
(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 05:22 pm (UTC)I like the version of this show as written by you even more than the original, and the complete lack of earth logic makes me laugh instead of beating my head against the wall here. Brilliant dialogues.
Sadly, every time I finish reading one of your recaps, I feel like reading a good Pon Farr story, but it is hopeless, argh. Shouldn't the Fandom That Started Slash have some actual... really good slash? Am I looking in all the wrong places, or what? *despairs*
(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 06:10 pm (UTC)you know, i remember reading all these star trek fics when i was quite young and discovering the fandom for the first time, like eighteen years old. things just didn't seem bad back then, and since then i've read it all again, probably literally all of it, and my adult perspective is to the contrary that almost none of it is good. but somehow the first impression of wonder still lingers in memory, you know? i know i couldn't go out and find a pon farr fic that rocked, but at the same time i have this vague idealised impression of the body of pon farr fic out there, all the ones i've read. it's... well, in the past i've looked at it as sad, but it can be fun, too.
the one i enjoy the most is, hmm, a varoneeka/ruth gifford one which i forget the title of, but which is linked in my recs. it's cheesy and silly and not actually about pon farr, but it does reference it. and i guess it stuck in my memory.
and i never get tired, when recs come up, of mentioning js cavalcante and k'sal, though there's no pon farr fic there. and that rae trail one with all the quotes from "the wasteland".
(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 08:22 pm (UTC)I feel the same way about my own first fandom, LEXX - the fanfic is unspeakably bad, there probably isn't a single fic without at least one Mary Sue, and I couldn't reread any of them without having to either laugh or cry - but when read them for the first time, I thought it was the best thing ever, and I'll always have a soft spot for that fandom, even if I can't revisit it.
(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 06:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 08:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 10:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 09:20 pm (UTC)(Also, what is it about them that makes me want to abuse the word 'baby'? Or I guess it could possibly be your influence.)
(no subject)
Date: 9 Feb 2006 10:35 pm (UTC)high-five! no, actually, i think it is something about them. they don't ACTUALLY use endearments (of course, other than 'captain', 'jim', 'mr spock' and 'spock'), but they sort of... say it even when they don't say it, to borrow a line from edith keeler. like, they address each other with this very deliberately focused attention and with tons of affection and rapport.
... you know, this one seems funnier to me too, but i'm inclined to suspect the source material, or luck, rather than say i'm actually getting magically funnier.
(no subject)
Date: 10 Feb 2006 04:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10 Feb 2006 01:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10 Feb 2006 09:08 pm (UTC)Your recaps are all on one page, and hit all the highlights, and translate Trek-speak into "get out of my boyfriend's chair, bitch!" ‹grin›
(no subject)
Date: 10 Feb 2006 09:28 pm (UTC)