![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cimorenei haven't watched any star trek in about a year, but yesterday when Wax was knitting and we ran out of our other stuff, i decided to watch the next episode i hadn't recapped, which just turned out to be "catspaw", the classic halloween ep! so this is actually only a few days belated. beneath the cut you will find a bunch of caps and the same stew of parody/crack/actual dialogue/recap as usual.
the away team drops completely off the ship's sensors, and then a redshirt beams up by himself. SCOTTY and SULU were on the planet with him but he can't tell KIRK where they are, and when they drag him off the transporter pad he's already dead. but a ghostly voice comes out of his mouth to inform them that the enterprise is cursed and they should get the hell away from this planet.
KIRK: fuck that! i'm going to take down all three main characters without anymore redshirts!
SPOCK: a daring strategy, but it just might work! based on the premise that we've already fulfilled our quota of redshirt deaths for the episode!
the big three beam down to the planet. they're surrounded by nothing but rocks and fog.
MCCOY: why am i here, again?
KIRK: don't be silly, bones. it's the halloween episode; of course all three of us have to be present!
SPOCK: and apparently no one else, because there are no life readings from anywhere on this planet; and there's fog all over the place, but readings indicate no water vapour.
MCCOY: okay, now that's creepy.
KIRK: oh, i just assumed it was dry ice.
then a chorus of three 'ghosts' with frizzy grey hair appears behind some rocks, their faces lit from below, and sings some little rhyming ditty about how scary it is here and how they should turn around.
KIRK: oh my god, those are the fakest-looking ghosts i have ever seen. is this planet run by total amateurs?
MCCOY: amateurs with flashlights.
KIRK: spock, comment?
SPOCK: their poetry sucks.
KIRK: thank you, baby, but i meant did you have any useful comment?
SPOCK: oh. well... now that you mention it, there's a forcefield over that way, and an estimated 98 point 60042 percent probability that it is concealing a truly ominous set-painting of a haunted castle.
KIRK: that sounds right up scotty and sulu's alley! let's check it out!
they walk around the corner and, sure enough, there's a big set painting of a haunted castle. casting suspicious looks about, they enter... and run right up against a black cat.
MCCOY: ghosts, castle, black cat...
SPOCK: it's almost like whoever owns this planet has tapped directly into the source of your species's lame halloween clichés.
KIRK: i'd think it was all some big trick-or-treat if not for the death part.
SPOCK: "trick-or-treat"?
KIRK: i'll tell you about it later, baby. i have some costumes in my quarters. we can have a private party.
MCCOY: hello, i'm right here.
KIRK leaves off macking on SPOCK for long enough for them to follow the black cat around a corner and fall through a trap in the floor. they get knocked unconscious.
and they wake up chained to the wall in the dungeon. it's rather picturesque.
SPOCK: this is kind of kinky, if you think about it.
KIRK: oooh... i didn't even think of that!
MCCOY: again, right here! and guys, there's a skeleton chained to the wall on the other side of me.
KIRK: great, now all we need is some zombies or something.
like magic, SCOTTY and SULU appear in the door, walking woodenly, and with glazed eyes.
KIRK: scotty and sulu, thank god!
MCCOY: scotty? sulu?
KIRK: sulu, scotty! what are you doing! come let me go right now!
SPOCK: maybe they're drugged.
MCCOY: oh, jim just HAD to ask for zombies.
SULU unlocks the cuffs and he and SCOTTY, still zombified, escort the Big Three to a natty BANQUET HALL at phaser-point.
the BANQUET HALL is cleverly lit with kool-aid-coloured gel filters on the lights and festooned with banners. there's also a dias topped with a throne, and the throne is inhabited by a FAT AND BALDING WARLOCK and the black cat from earlier.
F. AND B. WARLOCK: yo. greetings, fellow humanoids. welcome to my banquet hall, where i am a totally sane warlock doing normal things.
SPOCK: this place could really do with some redecoration. it's not just the feng shui - the color palette is completely inappropriate for a gothic castle.
FB WARLOCK: my decoration is fabulous. you're the weird one, right? the one with pointy ears. your brain doesn't work the same as your buddies'. that's why you don't like my decoration, spock.
KIRK jerks around, looking annoyed at FBW's temerity in directly addressing his boo like that, but he bites his tongue.
FBW: oh yes, we know your names. we know everything! sort of. for example, we know that at this point it's traditional to offer you a FEAST.
KIRK: ...hold on. what are you talking about, where are we, why are my crewmen zombies, what was with the dungeons, why did we get no life sign readings from this planet, why did those ghosts outside have on perfectly ordinary black turtlenecks when you're wearing this tacky orange nightgown out of monty python, and what is with your beard?
SPOCK: good questions.
KIRK: thanks. i thought so too.
SPOCK: but you didn't ask about the feng shui.
FBW: we can talk about that later. for now, let's have a banquet.
KIRK: we don't want a banquet, and we're hardly going to eat your food when you've just let us out of a dungeon and have already killed one of our redshirts and zombified two of our supporting characters.
FBW: but i insist.
KIRK, looking at SPOCK: well, i guess...
SPOCK, looking at KIRK: yeah, if he insists...
they sit down at the banquet table.
FBW: now you will tell us what we want to know.
MCCOY: didn't he just say he already knew everything?
SPOCK, giving the food a supercilious look: apparently he didn't know that i'm a vegetarian, at least.
KIRK: we're not going to tell you anything.
FBW: i bet you will if i do THIS!
all the food on the table turns into piles of coloured plastic "jewels".
MCCOY: well, don't these look real. i can't see the seam lines where they came out of the mold at all.
FBW: that's because they TOTALLY ARE REAL. and you can keep them, if you tell us everything we want to know without asking any more questions.
SPOCK: he also apparently failed to note the good doctor's sarcasm...
MCCOY: what do you want from me? i'm a doctor, not a stand-up comic.
KIRK: even if they were real, we kind of abandoned gems as currency a few centuries ago.
FBW: what? you did? when? WHY WASN'T I INFORMED?
KIRK: maybe you wouldn't have missed the memo if you weren't so busy zombifying people.
FBW'S CAT: miaow!
FBW: oh, okay, go ahead.
the cat leaves the room and in comes a woman wearing blue eyeshadow by the trowelful plus a black burnout print gauze caftan over a bodystocking.
FBW: everybody, this is sylvia.
MCCOY: hi, sylvia.
KIRK: hi, sylvia.
SPOCK rolls his eyes instead of greeting SYLVIA, but she doesn't notice because she's fluttering her eyelashes at KIRK.
FBW: so, i was saying you have to do what we say...
KIRK: we've been over this... NO.
KIRK lunges at ZOMBIE!SCOTTY and ZOMBIE!SULU and takes a phaser off them. he gives it to SPOCK to hold.
SYLVIA: basically, you have to do what we say.
KIRK: um, no?
SYLVIA: because as FBW here failed to say, we can make you do it.
KIRK: how? it's not like you have demonstrated that you guys have the power to mask things from life signs detectors, turn my crewmen into zombies, conjure food and gems out of thin air, shape-shift from cats to humans or perform other kinds of impressive magic or anything.
SYLVIA: basically, it's what you call voodoo. i have one of those hallmark christmas ornaments of the enterprise here.
MCCOY: jim! that's the deluxe silver-plated ornament!
SPOCK, who disapproves of the tackiness of metallic silver and gold for christmas décor and instead favours a more traditional red velvet and natural pine scheme, looks deeply stricken.
SYLVIA: yes, and when i put it in this candle flame...
KIRK: kirk to enterprise! are you guys okay up there?
ENTERPRISE: yes, captain, but it's become suddenly and inexplicably hot... it's like we're burning up! the temperature's risen sixty degrees in the past minute!
KIRK: just checking. kirk out. spock, give the lady the gun.
SPOCK puts down the phaser.
KIRK: but you realise it doesn't really matter. now that we've made contact they're going to send down a search party looking for us.
FBW waves his magic wand and the christmas ornament instantly becomes encased in a plexiglass cube, causing SPOCK to wince at the increased tackiness.
FBW: not exactly.
KIRK, not yet convinced of their magical powers, picks up the communicator and calls the enterprise again.
KIRK: enterprise! what's going on up there?
SECURITY CHIEF GUY: we're doing mostly okay, captain, except...
CHEKOV: mr security chief! we're suddenly encased in some kind of force field! and it's the strangest forcefield i've ever seen - it's shaped like a giant rectangular prism! it has corners and everything!
KIRK: all right, security guy, sorry to bother you, i'll take care of it. kirk out. okay, FINE, what do you guys want?
SYLVIA: for now, all of you can go back to the dungeon except dr mccoy, because i feel like zombifying him.
ZOMBIE!SCOTTY and ZOMBIE!SULU escort kirk and spock back to the dungeon.
SPOCK: um... baby? what are you doing? i don't think you can break the chains with the power of your mind.
KIRK: thank you, mr spock, but i knew that. just wanted to work out a little frustration. plus, i figure as long as i have to hang against this stone wall, i might as well practise some dance moves.
KIRK: also i really didn't like how catwoman was looking at me back there.
SPOCK: neither did i.
KIRK: it's so sweet when you're possessive.
SPOCK: so, for me that scene was more than a little bizarre, but to you that stuff must have seemed pretty familiar?
KIRK: well, familiar, yeah, but it was still bizarre. it's more familiar like a day-long marathon of scooby doo than familiar like home-baked apple pie, you know?
SPOCK: but black cats, cobwebs, dry ice, cheap set paintings and scary amounts of makeup, even unnecessarily sexualized black outfits for women - all of these things belong to the human clichés surrounding your holiday of halloween!
KIRK: it's sad but true. i thought i'd never have to see another naughty witch costume after i left the academy.
SPOCK: the point is, all of these things belong to the dubious realm of annoying clichés that no one seems to know the origin of! i refer you to comparative literature and the theory of pulp fiction.
KIRK: so you're saying they were aiming for our memories of believable and real places and economic systems -
SPOCK: and missed and hit the sludge of pulp clichés instead! remember, he seemed very surprised by your reaction to his surroundings!
KIRK: he expected me to react as if they were normal.
SPOCK: humanity is obviously completely alien to him.
KIRK: you're right, baby. i mean, you're an alien, and even you could see that that black gauze hospital gown was a huge turnoff.
SPOCK: well, to be fair, i'm also gay.
KIRK: yeah, but that outfit was truly heinous.
KIRK frowns.
SPOCK: jim? what is it?
KIRK: well, i was just thinking... if that's their idea of acceptable clothing and hairstyles... just what are they like?
SPOCK: something completely alien, in every way. something with no conception of style.
the door opens and ZOMBIE!SCOTTY and ZOMBIE!SULU make way for the newly zombified ZOMBIE!MCCOY, because even as zombies these guys have r-e-s-p-e-c-t for the chain of command.
KIRK: dammit, bones! you're supposed to be a doctor, not a zombie!
SPOCK: good one, honey.
KIRK: thanks. wish me luck - i think catwoman's planning to either zombify me or touch me in inappropriate places.
SPOCK: ewwww.
KIRK: or both.
SYLVIA: here's the deal. i've never had a physical body before, and i've noticed that when i torture people or ogle chunks of manflesh like you, i start to feel warm and tingly. if you teach me what the warm and tingly feeling means, we can mate our brains and rule the universe together, or something.
KIRK: er - so - you're not totally up on normal seduction i take it.
SYLVIA: no but doesn't it usually involve a miniature fashion show?
SYLVIA quickly and magically shows off two more looks, a glittery belly dancing skirt with boob flaps for a top and a baggy pastel floral jumpsuit with palazzo pants. both heavily feature ANIME HAIR.
KIRK: wow. that was the most amazing foreplay fashion show i've ever seen. so let's get on to the hugging and heart-to-hearts!
KIRK touches SYLVIA's face with his hands and then kind of with his mouth, but the skeeved expression never leaves his face.
KIRK: so, um, this transmogrifier doohickey, that's the source of your power?
SYLVIA: oooooh, that's so nice, mmm, nooo, it's not the source of course, we use the power of our minds but ahh, we totally can't do any magic without the transmogrifier... i'll tell you all about it when we rule the universe together.
KIRK: oh really? that sounds really, er, nice. so to recap... powerless without the transmogrifier?
SYLVIA: oh god, yes, completely.
KIRK: cool.
SYLVIA doesn't notice the skeeved face but she does belatedly attempt to read his mind, and then she flings him away in anger.
SYLVIA: you traitor! you were just USING me! you touched my face and yet your mind doesn't feel turned on!
KIRK: well, what do you want, dressed like a snake print dementor and acting like a best-friend-zombifying sadist? i may be pansexual, but i'm not an idiot.
SYLVIA: YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS.
SYLVIA sends him back to the dungeon.
SPOCK: baby? how did it go?
KIRK: ugh. badtouch, yes. zombifying, no.
SPOCK: that's something.
KIRK: you'd think, but actually she tried to mindread me. i'm going to feel slimy for weeks.
SPOCK: as soon as we get home we can have some healing telepathic mindsex, though.
KIRK: oh, god, yes, we have to get out of here.
fortunately, just then FBW appears and hurries down the stairs with a set of keys to unlock their handcuffs.
FBW: listen, i'm sorry about that up there. she was always such a good cat! i mean, sure, she didn't always come when she was called, but what cat does? she seemed nice enough. i didn't know she would turn into a megalomaniacal hedonist instead of the unscrupulous telepath i expected. we've got to get out of here before she loses what remains of her shit.
KIRK and SPOCK start to follow FBW out of the dungeon, but they have to retreat when they see SYLVIA in cat-form coming towards them... except GIANT!
she's filling up the whole hallway!
FBW holds her back at the door and gets squashed for his trouble while KIRK boosts SPOCK up through the hole in the ceiling...
...and then SPOCK helps KIRK up after him.
there's a brief interlude when all three zombies attack them. KIRK and SPOCK take all three of them out, between them. they just knock them unconscious though.
KIRK: oh, the giant cat's coming back.
SPOCK: want me to try tne nerve pinch on her too...?
KIRK: nah, wait.
KIRK dashes back down the hall and grabs the magic wand.
SPOCK: baby?
KIRK: i just had a brainstorm. what if the fact that the guy was waving this when he worked magic meant it had some significance?
SPOCK: ohh, that's my lawfully wedded spouse!
KIRK: hey, SYLVIA, I HAVE THE TRANSMOGRIFIER!
KIRK vanishes, having been teleported into the banquet room.
SYLVIA: oh, very clever, captain!
KIRK: i know, right? i've also been told i'm charming and handsome, and nobody except spock has ever beat me at chess.
SYLVIA: we could still rule the universe together?
KIRK: no thanks. i don't like your taste in interior décor. or your eyeliner. now for the last time, what is the deal with my zombified friends and the force field around this place?
SYLVIA: i won't tell you! gimme the transmogrifier or i'll cut you!
KIRK: oh well. [he smashes the wand on the table and the room turns to smoke and vanishes.]
KIRK is left standing alone outside with the dry ice and rocks, with his phaser in his hand.
KIRK: and if you can still hear me? I ALREADY HAVE A BOYFRIEND! AND *HE'S* HEARD OF TELEPATHIC ETHICS!
SPOCK, MCCOY, SCOTTY, and SULU rush up and form up behind KIRK.
MCCOY: whatcha looking at, jim?
KIRK: remember how we said these creatures had to be totally alien, spock?
everybody follows KIRK's line of sight to see two fluffy little blue pipecleaner-looking octopus-birds.
SPOCK: fascinating. sylvia and FBW in their natural forms.
KIRK: actually i think she's kind of less repulsive like that.
SPOCK: i was thinking more along the lines of getting them back to the laboratory, but it looks like they've already started to emit smoke and turn to goo, which is incidentally another lame halloween cliché involving witches. so much for that idea.
KIRK: yeah, let's just get outta here and see about that mindsex.
SPOCK: sounds good to me.
MCCOY: guys, still right here.
the away team drops completely off the ship's sensors, and then a redshirt beams up by himself. SCOTTY and SULU were on the planet with him but he can't tell KIRK where they are, and when they drag him off the transporter pad he's already dead. but a ghostly voice comes out of his mouth to inform them that the enterprise is cursed and they should get the hell away from this planet.
KIRK: fuck that! i'm going to take down all three main characters without anymore redshirts!
SPOCK: a daring strategy, but it just might work! based on the premise that we've already fulfilled our quota of redshirt deaths for the episode!
the big three beam down to the planet. they're surrounded by nothing but rocks and fog.
MCCOY: why am i here, again?
KIRK: don't be silly, bones. it's the halloween episode; of course all three of us have to be present!
SPOCK: and apparently no one else, because there are no life readings from anywhere on this planet; and there's fog all over the place, but readings indicate no water vapour.
MCCOY: okay, now that's creepy.
KIRK: oh, i just assumed it was dry ice.
then a chorus of three 'ghosts' with frizzy grey hair appears behind some rocks, their faces lit from below, and sings some little rhyming ditty about how scary it is here and how they should turn around.
KIRK: oh my god, those are the fakest-looking ghosts i have ever seen. is this planet run by total amateurs?
MCCOY: amateurs with flashlights.
KIRK: spock, comment?
SPOCK: their poetry sucks.
KIRK: thank you, baby, but i meant did you have any useful comment?
SPOCK: oh. well... now that you mention it, there's a forcefield over that way, and an estimated 98 point 60042 percent probability that it is concealing a truly ominous set-painting of a haunted castle.
KIRK: that sounds right up scotty and sulu's alley! let's check it out!
they walk around the corner and, sure enough, there's a big set painting of a haunted castle. casting suspicious looks about, they enter... and run right up against a black cat.
MCCOY: ghosts, castle, black cat...
SPOCK: it's almost like whoever owns this planet has tapped directly into the source of your species's lame halloween clichés.
KIRK: i'd think it was all some big trick-or-treat if not for the death part.
SPOCK: "trick-or-treat"?
KIRK: i'll tell you about it later, baby. i have some costumes in my quarters. we can have a private party.
MCCOY: hello, i'm right here.
KIRK leaves off macking on SPOCK for long enough for them to follow the black cat around a corner and fall through a trap in the floor. they get knocked unconscious.
and they wake up chained to the wall in the dungeon. it's rather picturesque.
SPOCK: this is kind of kinky, if you think about it.
KIRK: oooh... i didn't even think of that!
MCCOY: again, right here! and guys, there's a skeleton chained to the wall on the other side of me.
KIRK: great, now all we need is some zombies or something.
like magic, SCOTTY and SULU appear in the door, walking woodenly, and with glazed eyes.
KIRK: scotty and sulu, thank god!
MCCOY: scotty? sulu?
KIRK: sulu, scotty! what are you doing! come let me go right now!
SPOCK: maybe they're drugged.
MCCOY: oh, jim just HAD to ask for zombies.
SULU unlocks the cuffs and he and SCOTTY, still zombified, escort the Big Three to a natty BANQUET HALL at phaser-point.
the BANQUET HALL is cleverly lit with kool-aid-coloured gel filters on the lights and festooned with banners. there's also a dias topped with a throne, and the throne is inhabited by a FAT AND BALDING WARLOCK and the black cat from earlier.
F. AND B. WARLOCK: yo. greetings, fellow humanoids. welcome to my banquet hall, where i am a totally sane warlock doing normal things.
SPOCK: this place could really do with some redecoration. it's not just the feng shui - the color palette is completely inappropriate for a gothic castle.
FB WARLOCK: my decoration is fabulous. you're the weird one, right? the one with pointy ears. your brain doesn't work the same as your buddies'. that's why you don't like my decoration, spock.
KIRK jerks around, looking annoyed at FBW's temerity in directly addressing his boo like that, but he bites his tongue.
FBW: oh yes, we know your names. we know everything! sort of. for example, we know that at this point it's traditional to offer you a FEAST.
KIRK: ...hold on. what are you talking about, where are we, why are my crewmen zombies, what was with the dungeons, why did we get no life sign readings from this planet, why did those ghosts outside have on perfectly ordinary black turtlenecks when you're wearing this tacky orange nightgown out of monty python, and what is with your beard?
SPOCK: good questions.
KIRK: thanks. i thought so too.
SPOCK: but you didn't ask about the feng shui.
FBW: we can talk about that later. for now, let's have a banquet.
KIRK: we don't want a banquet, and we're hardly going to eat your food when you've just let us out of a dungeon and have already killed one of our redshirts and zombified two of our supporting characters.
FBW: but i insist.
KIRK, looking at SPOCK: well, i guess...
SPOCK, looking at KIRK: yeah, if he insists...
they sit down at the banquet table.
FBW: now you will tell us what we want to know.
MCCOY: didn't he just say he already knew everything?
SPOCK, giving the food a supercilious look: apparently he didn't know that i'm a vegetarian, at least.
KIRK: we're not going to tell you anything.
FBW: i bet you will if i do THIS!
all the food on the table turns into piles of coloured plastic "jewels".
MCCOY: well, don't these look real. i can't see the seam lines where they came out of the mold at all.
FBW: that's because they TOTALLY ARE REAL. and you can keep them, if you tell us everything we want to know without asking any more questions.
SPOCK: he also apparently failed to note the good doctor's sarcasm...
MCCOY: what do you want from me? i'm a doctor, not a stand-up comic.
KIRK: even if they were real, we kind of abandoned gems as currency a few centuries ago.
FBW: what? you did? when? WHY WASN'T I INFORMED?
KIRK: maybe you wouldn't have missed the memo if you weren't so busy zombifying people.
FBW'S CAT: miaow!
FBW: oh, okay, go ahead.
the cat leaves the room and in comes a woman wearing blue eyeshadow by the trowelful plus a black burnout print gauze caftan over a bodystocking.
FBW: everybody, this is sylvia.
MCCOY: hi, sylvia.
KIRK: hi, sylvia.
SPOCK rolls his eyes instead of greeting SYLVIA, but she doesn't notice because she's fluttering her eyelashes at KIRK.
FBW: so, i was saying you have to do what we say...
KIRK: we've been over this... NO.
KIRK lunges at ZOMBIE!SCOTTY and ZOMBIE!SULU and takes a phaser off them. he gives it to SPOCK to hold.
SYLVIA: basically, you have to do what we say.
KIRK: um, no?
SYLVIA: because as FBW here failed to say, we can make you do it.
KIRK: how? it's not like you have demonstrated that you guys have the power to mask things from life signs detectors, turn my crewmen into zombies, conjure food and gems out of thin air, shape-shift from cats to humans or perform other kinds of impressive magic or anything.
SYLVIA: basically, it's what you call voodoo. i have one of those hallmark christmas ornaments of the enterprise here.
MCCOY: jim! that's the deluxe silver-plated ornament!
SPOCK, who disapproves of the tackiness of metallic silver and gold for christmas décor and instead favours a more traditional red velvet and natural pine scheme, looks deeply stricken.
SYLVIA: yes, and when i put it in this candle flame...
KIRK: kirk to enterprise! are you guys okay up there?
ENTERPRISE: yes, captain, but it's become suddenly and inexplicably hot... it's like we're burning up! the temperature's risen sixty degrees in the past minute!
KIRK: just checking. kirk out. spock, give the lady the gun.
SPOCK puts down the phaser.
KIRK: but you realise it doesn't really matter. now that we've made contact they're going to send down a search party looking for us.
FBW waves his magic wand and the christmas ornament instantly becomes encased in a plexiglass cube, causing SPOCK to wince at the increased tackiness.
FBW: not exactly.
KIRK, not yet convinced of their magical powers, picks up the communicator and calls the enterprise again.
KIRK: enterprise! what's going on up there?
SECURITY CHIEF GUY: we're doing mostly okay, captain, except...
CHEKOV: mr security chief! we're suddenly encased in some kind of force field! and it's the strangest forcefield i've ever seen - it's shaped like a giant rectangular prism! it has corners and everything!
KIRK: all right, security guy, sorry to bother you, i'll take care of it. kirk out. okay, FINE, what do you guys want?
SYLVIA: for now, all of you can go back to the dungeon except dr mccoy, because i feel like zombifying him.
ZOMBIE!SCOTTY and ZOMBIE!SULU escort kirk and spock back to the dungeon.
SPOCK: um... baby? what are you doing? i don't think you can break the chains with the power of your mind.
KIRK: thank you, mr spock, but i knew that. just wanted to work out a little frustration. plus, i figure as long as i have to hang against this stone wall, i might as well practise some dance moves.
KIRK: also i really didn't like how catwoman was looking at me back there.
SPOCK: neither did i.
KIRK: it's so sweet when you're possessive.
SPOCK: so, for me that scene was more than a little bizarre, but to you that stuff must have seemed pretty familiar?
KIRK: well, familiar, yeah, but it was still bizarre. it's more familiar like a day-long marathon of scooby doo than familiar like home-baked apple pie, you know?
SPOCK: but black cats, cobwebs, dry ice, cheap set paintings and scary amounts of makeup, even unnecessarily sexualized black outfits for women - all of these things belong to the human clichés surrounding your holiday of halloween!
KIRK: it's sad but true. i thought i'd never have to see another naughty witch costume after i left the academy.
SPOCK: the point is, all of these things belong to the dubious realm of annoying clichés that no one seems to know the origin of! i refer you to comparative literature and the theory of pulp fiction.
KIRK: so you're saying they were aiming for our memories of believable and real places and economic systems -
SPOCK: and missed and hit the sludge of pulp clichés instead! remember, he seemed very surprised by your reaction to his surroundings!
KIRK: he expected me to react as if they were normal.
SPOCK: humanity is obviously completely alien to him.
KIRK: you're right, baby. i mean, you're an alien, and even you could see that that black gauze hospital gown was a huge turnoff.
SPOCK: well, to be fair, i'm also gay.
KIRK: yeah, but that outfit was truly heinous.
KIRK frowns.
SPOCK: jim? what is it?
KIRK: well, i was just thinking... if that's their idea of acceptable clothing and hairstyles... just what are they like?
SPOCK: something completely alien, in every way. something with no conception of style.
the door opens and ZOMBIE!SCOTTY and ZOMBIE!SULU make way for the newly zombified ZOMBIE!MCCOY, because even as zombies these guys have r-e-s-p-e-c-t for the chain of command.
KIRK: dammit, bones! you're supposed to be a doctor, not a zombie!
SPOCK: good one, honey.
KIRK: thanks. wish me luck - i think catwoman's planning to either zombify me or touch me in inappropriate places.
SPOCK: ewwww.
KIRK: or both.
SYLVIA: here's the deal. i've never had a physical body before, and i've noticed that when i torture people or ogle chunks of manflesh like you, i start to feel warm and tingly. if you teach me what the warm and tingly feeling means, we can mate our brains and rule the universe together, or something.
KIRK: er - so - you're not totally up on normal seduction i take it.
SYLVIA: no but doesn't it usually involve a miniature fashion show?
SYLVIA quickly and magically shows off two more looks, a glittery belly dancing skirt with boob flaps for a top and a baggy pastel floral jumpsuit with palazzo pants. both heavily feature ANIME HAIR.
KIRK: wow. that was the most amazing foreplay fashion show i've ever seen. so let's get on to the hugging and heart-to-hearts!
KIRK touches SYLVIA's face with his hands and then kind of with his mouth, but the skeeved expression never leaves his face.
KIRK: so, um, this transmogrifier doohickey, that's the source of your power?
SYLVIA: oooooh, that's so nice, mmm, nooo, it's not the source of course, we use the power of our minds but ahh, we totally can't do any magic without the transmogrifier... i'll tell you all about it when we rule the universe together.
KIRK: oh really? that sounds really, er, nice. so to recap... powerless without the transmogrifier?
SYLVIA: oh god, yes, completely.
KIRK: cool.
SYLVIA doesn't notice the skeeved face but she does belatedly attempt to read his mind, and then she flings him away in anger.
SYLVIA: you traitor! you were just USING me! you touched my face and yet your mind doesn't feel turned on!
KIRK: well, what do you want, dressed like a snake print dementor and acting like a best-friend-zombifying sadist? i may be pansexual, but i'm not an idiot.
SYLVIA: YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS.
SYLVIA sends him back to the dungeon.
SPOCK: baby? how did it go?
KIRK: ugh. badtouch, yes. zombifying, no.
SPOCK: that's something.
KIRK: you'd think, but actually she tried to mindread me. i'm going to feel slimy for weeks.
SPOCK: as soon as we get home we can have some healing telepathic mindsex, though.
KIRK: oh, god, yes, we have to get out of here.
fortunately, just then FBW appears and hurries down the stairs with a set of keys to unlock their handcuffs.
FBW: listen, i'm sorry about that up there. she was always such a good cat! i mean, sure, she didn't always come when she was called, but what cat does? she seemed nice enough. i didn't know she would turn into a megalomaniacal hedonist instead of the unscrupulous telepath i expected. we've got to get out of here before she loses what remains of her shit.
KIRK and SPOCK start to follow FBW out of the dungeon, but they have to retreat when they see SYLVIA in cat-form coming towards them... except GIANT!
she's filling up the whole hallway!
FBW holds her back at the door and gets squashed for his trouble while KIRK boosts SPOCK up through the hole in the ceiling...
...and then SPOCK helps KIRK up after him.
there's a brief interlude when all three zombies attack them. KIRK and SPOCK take all three of them out, between them. they just knock them unconscious though.
KIRK: oh, the giant cat's coming back.
SPOCK: want me to try tne nerve pinch on her too...?
KIRK: nah, wait.
KIRK dashes back down the hall and grabs the magic wand.
SPOCK: baby?
KIRK: i just had a brainstorm. what if the fact that the guy was waving this when he worked magic meant it had some significance?
SPOCK: ohh, that's my lawfully wedded spouse!
KIRK: hey, SYLVIA, I HAVE THE TRANSMOGRIFIER!
KIRK vanishes, having been teleported into the banquet room.
SYLVIA: oh, very clever, captain!
KIRK: i know, right? i've also been told i'm charming and handsome, and nobody except spock has ever beat me at chess.
SYLVIA: we could still rule the universe together?
KIRK: no thanks. i don't like your taste in interior décor. or your eyeliner. now for the last time, what is the deal with my zombified friends and the force field around this place?
SYLVIA: i won't tell you! gimme the transmogrifier or i'll cut you!
KIRK: oh well. [he smashes the wand on the table and the room turns to smoke and vanishes.]
KIRK is left standing alone outside with the dry ice and rocks, with his phaser in his hand.
KIRK: and if you can still hear me? I ALREADY HAVE A BOYFRIEND! AND *HE'S* HEARD OF TELEPATHIC ETHICS!
SPOCK, MCCOY, SCOTTY, and SULU rush up and form up behind KIRK.
MCCOY: whatcha looking at, jim?
KIRK: remember how we said these creatures had to be totally alien, spock?
everybody follows KIRK's line of sight to see two fluffy little blue pipecleaner-looking octopus-birds.
SPOCK: fascinating. sylvia and FBW in their natural forms.
KIRK: actually i think she's kind of less repulsive like that.
SPOCK: i was thinking more along the lines of getting them back to the laboratory, but it looks like they've already started to emit smoke and turn to goo, which is incidentally another lame halloween cliché involving witches. so much for that idea.
KIRK: yeah, let's just get outta here and see about that mindsex.
SPOCK: sounds good to me.
MCCOY: guys, still right here.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 5 Nov 2006 05:56 pm (UTC)I may have died a little bit from the titters.
(no subject)
Date: 6 Nov 2006 05:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 6 Nov 2006 12:05 am (UTC)The sad thing is, I have the suspicion that someday I am going to go watch the actual show, and be terribly disappointed because the show expects me to take things like fluffy little blue pipecleaner-looking octopus-birds seriously.
(no subject)
Date: 6 Nov 2006 05:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 6 Nov 2006 05:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 6 Nov 2006 05:50 pm (UTC)