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cimoreneToday I had an unironic thought about the mean girls in high school.
One of my co-workers, or two, really like to gossip. And I'm not saying I don't enjoy gossiping, because I do, and I don't think I really have anything against it, but I definitely don't like engaging needlessly in talking about someone behind their back if you actually like them. I also don't believe in acting friendly to their face and tearing them down behind their back. In fact, the mean girls in high school, by my way of thinking, are exactly the people who do that, the Nice Girls in fandom kerflulffle parlance, which I always have thought of and referred to as Fake Nice.
It's not that I think you shouldn't say things you wouldn't say to someone's face, because there's no cause to say anything whose only purpose could be to hurt their feelings; and certainly you should be polite to someone's face unless you really hate them, and then you should still be civil. But I do think you shouldn't say things behind someone's back which directly contradict the things you say to their face, with the exception of white lies in answer to questions like "Does my ass look fat in this?". You shouldn't publically extoll the virtues of a person, a dress, or a work of fiction if you don't believe what you say.
And honestly, while I definitely got this vibe from my co-worker - the I'm Talking About Someone I Don't Like And That's Why I Lower My Voice vibe - she didn't say anything unjustifiably personal or even make a value-judgment; it was all in the eye-rolls and the sighs and mouth-purses as she related the relevant gossip (the woman was inexplicably hired, without having been interviewed, by the daycare owner, who doesn't actually visit the site, let alone work there or even in the daycare profession, without consulting the daycare's manager. Also she didn't interview anyone else either so apparently there was no good reason to hire her at all. Connections, maybe, or the fact that she had a child at the daycare.)
There were three of us present, but Amber waited until she had me alone to contradict what our Finnish co-worker said. "I liked the teacher. She was really good with the kids," she said, and that more than anything was what sent me back (mentally) to high school and my days of hanging out in a clique. It added a sordid air to the whole thing: is it a secret that Amber liked her former co-worker? Would the Finnish woman, Minna, be angry or embarrassed to hear it? Or is there some history of vendetta that I don't know about? And I don't know which of them weirded me out more, Minna for her gossip or Amber for being apparently unwilling to publically stand up to it.
One of my co-workers, or two, really like to gossip. And I'm not saying I don't enjoy gossiping, because I do, and I don't think I really have anything against it, but I definitely don't like engaging needlessly in talking about someone behind their back if you actually like them. I also don't believe in acting friendly to their face and tearing them down behind their back. In fact, the mean girls in high school, by my way of thinking, are exactly the people who do that, the Nice Girls in fandom kerflulffle parlance, which I always have thought of and referred to as Fake Nice.
It's not that I think you shouldn't say things you wouldn't say to someone's face, because there's no cause to say anything whose only purpose could be to hurt their feelings; and certainly you should be polite to someone's face unless you really hate them, and then you should still be civil. But I do think you shouldn't say things behind someone's back which directly contradict the things you say to their face, with the exception of white lies in answer to questions like "Does my ass look fat in this?". You shouldn't publically extoll the virtues of a person, a dress, or a work of fiction if you don't believe what you say.
And honestly, while I definitely got this vibe from my co-worker - the I'm Talking About Someone I Don't Like And That's Why I Lower My Voice vibe - she didn't say anything unjustifiably personal or even make a value-judgment; it was all in the eye-rolls and the sighs and mouth-purses as she related the relevant gossip (the woman was inexplicably hired, without having been interviewed, by the daycare owner, who doesn't actually visit the site, let alone work there or even in the daycare profession, without consulting the daycare's manager. Also she didn't interview anyone else either so apparently there was no good reason to hire her at all. Connections, maybe, or the fact that she had a child at the daycare.)
There were three of us present, but Amber waited until she had me alone to contradict what our Finnish co-worker said. "I liked the teacher. She was really good with the kids," she said, and that more than anything was what sent me back (mentally) to high school and my days of hanging out in a clique. It added a sordid air to the whole thing: is it a secret that Amber liked her former co-worker? Would the Finnish woman, Minna, be angry or embarrassed to hear it? Or is there some history of vendetta that I don't know about? And I don't know which of them weirded me out more, Minna for her gossip or Amber for being apparently unwilling to publically stand up to it.
