Ponder/Ridcully passages from The Last Continent, Night Watch, and Unseen Academicals

[cimorene]

My continuing project to collect the significant bits of Ponder/Ridcully canon, although I should have most of it by now, if not quite all. Follows the post with the quotes from Hogfather.

1. The Last Continent: Rincewind brings The Wet to FourEcks and Ridcully, Ponder, and the Senior Wizards (plus Mrs Whitlow) arrive by way of a dimensional portal in the office of the long-lost Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography... on a tiny desert island inhabited by an atheist creator god whom Ponder teaches about evolution and Mrs Whitlow teaches about sex. They get to FourEcks, via organic boat and then shipwreck, in time for Rincewind to save the day, and take him and the Luggage back with them. Page numbers from Doubleday 1998 hardback edition.

'Apes and humans are related, accordin' to young Ponder here.'

The other wizards looked blank. Ponder screwed up his face.

'He's been showing me some of the invisible writings,' said Ridcully. 'Fascinatin' stuff.'

The other wizards scowled at Ponder Stibbons, as you would at a man who'd been caught smoking in a firework factory. So now they knew who to blame. As usual...

(13)

This is also the book in which Ridcully apparently takes an interest in Management, providing some further references to him as the boss:

Ponder knew he should never have let Ridcully look at hte invisible writings. Wasn't it a basic principle never to let your employer know what it is you actually do all day?

But no matter what precautions you took, sooner or later the boss was bound to come in and poke around and say things like, 'Is this where you work, then?' and 'I thought I sent a memo out about people bringing in potted plants,' and 'What d'you call that thing with the keyboard?'

And this had been particularly problematical for Ponder, because reading the invisible writings was a delicate and meticulous job, sited to the kind of temperament that follows Grand Prix Continental Drift and keeps bonsai mountains as a hobby or even drives a Volvo. It needed painstaking care. It needed a mind that could enjoy doing jigsaw puzzles in a dark room. It did not need Mustrum Ridcully.

[...] 'It's like a conjurin' trick, then,' Ridcully had said. 'You're pullin' the tablecloth away before tall the crockery has time to remember to fall over.'

And Ponder had winced and said, 'Yes, exactly like that, Archchancellor. Well done.'

And that had led to all the trouble with How to Dynamically Manage People for Dynamic Results in a Caring Empowering Way in Quite a Short Time Dynamically. Ponder didn't know when this book would be written, or even in which world it might be published, but it was obviously going to be popular because random trawls in the depths of L-space often turned up fragments. Perhaps it wasn't even just one book.

And the fragments had been on Ponder's desk when Ridcully had been poking around.

[...] Altogether, it was not a happy university at the moment, and mealtimes were the worst. Ponder tended to be isolated at one end of the High Table as the unwilling architect of this sudden tendency on the part of the Archchancellor to try to Weld Them Into A Lean Mean Team.

(18-20)

The Wizards determine to look for Rincewind:

'I suppose you do know where he is, do you?'

'Technically, yes, Archchancellor,' said Ponder quickly. 'But we're not sure quite where the place where he is is, if you follow me.'

Ridcully gave him another stare.

'You see, we think he's on EcksEcksEcksEcks, Archchancellor,' said Ponder.

'EcksEcks--'

'--EcksEcks, Archchancellor.'

'I thought no one knew where that place was,' said Ridcully.

'Exactly, Archchancellor,' said Ponder. Sometimes you had to turn facts in several directions until you found the right way to fit them into Ridcully's head.*

*Sometimes Ponder thought his skill with Hex was because Hex was very clever and very stupid at the same time. If you wanted it to understand something, you had to break the idea down into bite-sized pieces and make absolutely sure there was no room for any misunderstanding. The quiet hours with Hex were often a picnic after five minutes with the senior wizards.

[...] 'Er... we sent him. It was a trivial error in bi-locational thaumaturgy that anyone could make.'

'But you made it, as I recall,' said Ridcully, whose memory could spring nasty surprises like that.

'I am a member of the team, sir,' said Ponder, pointedly.

(28-29)

When they first arrive on the island, the Librarian turns into a deck chair, Ridcully sits on him and takes a nap, and Ponder apparently sits down next to him with a notepad and begins working out where they are on the Disc by the position of the sun and stars. Then Mrs Whitlow comes through with a breakfast tray and closes the window.

'Taking the broad view, it's certainly better to be stuck out here in the fresh air and sunshine than in that stuffy study,' Ridcully went on.

'That's quite a broad view, sir,' said Ponder doubtfully.

'And we'll be back home in two shakes of a lamb's tail,' said Ridcully, beaming.

'Unfortunately, this doesn't look a very agricultural sort of--' Ponder began.

'Figure of speech, Mr Stibbons, figure of speech.'

(63)

Later, Ponder explains reproduction to Ridcully:

'One of anything doesn't work, sir,' said Ponder. 'It can't breed.'

'Yes, but they're only trees, Stibbons.'

'Trees need males and females too, sir.'

'They do?'

'Yes, sir. Sometimes they're different bits of the same tree, sir.'

'What? You sure?'

'Yes, sir. My uncle grew nuts, sir.'

'Keep it down, boy, keep it down! Mrs Whitlow might hear you!'

(82)

Ponder talks back against the considerable force of the Senior Wizards' appetites, when a giant rampaging monster evolves into a chicken in a few seconds in front of them, and Ridcully responds by frying it with a fireball:

Ponder sighed.

'I wasn't questioning your authority, Archchancellor,' he said. 'I just feel that if a huge monster evolves into a chicken right in front of you, the considered response should not be to eat the chicken.

The Archchancellor licked his fingers. 'What would you have done, then?' he said.

'Well... studied it,' said Ponder.

(92)

Also Ridcully is quite sexually clueless in this book, in spite of his ability to catch on to accidental innuendo in Hogfather.

Being three feet high was not adding anything to his [the god's] authority.

'Damn!' he said again. 'Why am I so small?'

'Size isn't everything,' said Ridcully. 'People always smirk when they say that. I can't think why.'

(120)

Ponder is fascinated by the process of creation and wants to learn from the god of the island, who is engaged in designing life-forms. The other wizards aren't keen on the idea:

Ponder exploded. 'I don't believe this!' he said. 'You're turning your back on an astonishing god-given opportunity--'

'Absolutely, Mister Stibbons,' said Ridcully, from above. 'No offence meant, of course, but if the choice is a trip on the briny deep or staying on a small island with someone trying to create a more inflammable cow then you can call me Salty Sam.'

(127)

He decides to stay on as the god's assistant, eventually, after an episode where all the wizards fail to explain sexual reproduction to the god and Mrs Whitlow steps in. ('Well, I suppose I can't stop you if your mind's made up,' said the Archchancellor.) However, when he learns the cockroach is the pinnacle of creation, he changes his mind and goes to catch up with their ship:

'Ahoy there!' shouted Ridcully.

The distant figure waved for a moment and then continued swimming.

Ridcully filled his pipe and watched with interest as Ponder Stibbons caught up with the boat.

'Very well swum, if I may say so,' he said.

'Permission to come aboard, sir?' said Ponder, treading water. 'Could you throw down a creeper?'

'Why, certainly.'

The Archchancellor puffed his pipe as the wizard climbed aboard. 'Possibly a record time over that distance, Mister Stibbons.'

'Thank you, sir,' said Ponder, dripping water on the deck.

'And may I congratulate you on being properly dressed. You are wearing your pointy hat, which is the sine qua non of a wizard in public.'

'Thank you, sir.'

'It is a good hat.'

'Thank you, sir.'

'They say a wizard without his hat is undressed, Mister Stibbons.'

'So I have heard, sir.'

'But in your case, I must point out, you are with your hat but you are still, in a very real sense, undressed.'

'I thought the robe would slow me down, sir.'

'And, while it is good to see you, Stibbons, albeit rather more of you than I would usually care to contemplate, I am moved to ask why you are, in fact, here.'

'I suddenly felt it would be unfair to deprive the University of my services, sir.'

'Really? A sudden rush of nostalgia for the old alma mater, eh?'

'You could say that, sir.'

Ridcully's eyes twinkled behind the smoke and, not for the first time, Ponder suspected that the man was sometimes rather cleverer than he appeared. It would not be hard.

The Archchancellor shrugged, removed his pipe, and poked around inside it to remove a particularly obstructive clinker.

'The Senior Wrangler's bathing costume is around somewhere,' he said. 'I should put it on, if I were you. I suspect that offending Mrs Whitlow at the moment will get you hanged. All right? And if there is anything you want to talk about, my door is always open.'

'Thank you, sir.'

'Right now, of course, I don't have a door.'

'Thank you, sir.'

'Imagine it as being open, nevertheless.'

'Thank you, sir.'

(179-180)

Eventually they arrive on the coast of FourEcks after a shipwreck.

'You know, I still think it would help if we thought of all this as a valuable opportunity,' said Ridcully.

'That's true,' said the Dean, sitting up. 'It's not many times in your life you get the chance to die of hunger on some bleak continent thousands of years before you're born. We should make the most of it.'

'I meant that pitting ourselves against the elements will bring out the best in us and forge us into a go-getting and hard-hitting team,' said Ridcully. This view got no takers.

'I'm sure there must be something to eat,' mumbled the Chair of Indefinite Studies, looking around aimlessly. 'There usually is.'

'After all, nothing is beyond men like us,' said Ridcully.

'That's true,' said Ponder. 'Oh gods, yes. That's true.'

'And at least a wizard can always make a decent fire.'

Ponder's eyes opened wide. he rose in one movement aimed at Ridcully, but was still airborne when the Archchancellor tossed a small fireball at a heap of driftwood.By the time the glowing ball was halfway to the wood Ponder had hit Ridcully in the back, so that both of them were sprawled on the wet sand when the world went whooph.

When they looked up the heap of driftwood was a blackened crater.

'Well, thank you,' said the Dean, behind them. 'I feel lovely and dry now, and I never did like my eyebrows all that much.'

'High thaumic field, sir,' Ponder panted. 'I did say.'

Ridcully stared at his hands. 'I was going to light my pipe with one...' he muttered. He held the hand away from him. 'It was only a Number Ten,' he said.

(227)

There's also a scene where the high thaumic field screws up the wizards' temporal glands. Ridcully turns about seven with a mop of curls and Ponder briefly experiences being around ninety or a hundred (and doesn't like it). Then the Dean turns into a sullen thirteen year old and the Librarian turns into a baby (Ponder hopes he'll turn back before they return, or else, he says, the library will be full of board books about bunnies). He also thinks that Ridcully is "about seventy" and very spry, although "spry for seventy" doesn't seem exactly right given the earlier scene on the desert island where Ridcully gets up with the dawn and tries to get everyone to run laps around the island with him. And does push-ups. (That's probably even beyond Clint Eastwood at seventy. I'm just saying.)

2. Night Watch: Night Watch is nearly exclusively a Vimes book, in fact, with a very occasional thread of Vetinari as per usual in a Vimes book, but it's framed with the wizards, because it's magic that accidentally catapults Vimes back in time. Page numbers from 2002 Doubleday hardback.

And the ornate tin bath of the Archchancellor of Unseen University was lifted neatly off the floor, sizzled across his study and then flew off the balcony and on to the lawn in the octangle several storeys below, without spilling more than a cupful of suds.

Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully paused with his long-handled scrubbing brush hovering halfway down his back, and stared around.

Tiles smashed to the ground. Water boiled in the ornamental fountain near by.

Ridcully ducked as a stuffed badger, the origin of which was never ascertained, flew across the lawn and smashed throug a window.

He winced as he was hit by a brief and inexplicable shower of small cogwheels, which pattered down all around him.

He stared as half a dozen watchmen dashed into the octangle and headed up the steps to the Library.

Then, gripping the sides of the bath, the Archchancellor stood up. Foaming water cascaded off him, as it would off some ancient leviathan erupting from the abyssal sea.

'Mister Stibbons!' he bellowed, his voice bouncing off the imposing walls, 'Where the       is my       hat?'

He sat down again and waited.

There were a few minutes of silence and then Ponder Stibbons, Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic and Praelector of Unseen University, came running out of the main door carrying Ridcully's pointy hat.

The Archchancellor snatched at it and rammed it on his head.

'Very well,' he said, standing up again. 'Now, will       care to tell m      at the       is going on? And why       Old Tom      ing repeatedly?'

'      been a       of magic, sir! I       someone up       the mechanism!' Ponder shouted, above the sound-destroying silences.*

There was a dying metallic noise from the big clock tower. Ponder and Ridcully waited a few moments, but the city stayed full of normal noise, like the collapse of masonry and distant screams.

'Right,' said Ridcully, as if grudgingly awarding the world a mark for trying. 'What was that all about, Stibbons? And why are there policemen in the Library?'

'Big magical storm, sir. Several thousand gigathaums. I believe the Watch is chasing a criminal.'

*Old Tom, the University's venerable clock, tolled not sounds but silences. They were not simply ordinary silences, but intervals of noise-absorbing non-sound that filled the world with loud soundlessness.

'Well, they can't just run in here without askin',' said Ridcully, stepping out of the bath and striding forward. 'What do we pay our taxes for, after all?'

'Er, we don't actually pay taxes, sir,' said Ponder, running after him. 'The system is that we promise to pay taxes if the city ever asks us to, provided the city promises never to ask us, sir. We make a voluntary--'

'Well, at least we have an arrangement, Stibbons.'

'Yes, sir. May I point out that you--'

'And that means they have to ask permission. The essential decencies must be maintained,' said Ridcully firmly. 'And I am the Master of this college!'

'On the subject of, er, decencies, sir, you are not in fact wearing--'

Ridcully strode through the open doors of the Library.

'What is going on here?' he demanded.

The watchmen turned, and stared. A large blob of foam, which up until that point had been performing sterling service in the cause of essential decencies, slipped slowly to the floor.

'Well?' he snapped. 'Haven't you lot seen a wizard before?'

A watchman snapped to attention. 'Captain Carrot, sir. We've, er, never seen so much of a wizard, sir.'

Ridcully gave him the slow blank stare used by those with acute uptake-grasping deficiency.

'What's he talkin' about, Stibbons?' he said out of the corner of his mouth.

'You're, er, insufficiently dressed, sir.'

'What? I've got my hat on, haven't I?'

'Yes, sir--'

'Hat = wizard, wizard = hat. Everything else is frippery. Anyway, I'm sure we're all men of the world,' Ridcully added, looking around. Fior the first time he took in other details about the watchmen. 'And dwarfs of the world... ah... trolls of the world too, I see... and... women of the world too, I note... er...' the Archchancellor lapsed into a moment's silence, and then said, 'Mr Stibbons?'

'Yes, sir?'

'Would you be so kind as to run up to my rooms and fetch my robe?'

'Of course, sir.'

'And, in the meantime, please be so good as to lend me your hat...'

'But you do actually have your hat on, sir,' said Ponder.

'Quite so, quite so,' said Ridcully, slowly and carefully through his fixed grin. 'And now, Mister Stibbons, in addition, right now, I wish you, in fact, to lend, to me, your hat, please.'

'Oh,' said Ponder. 'Er... yes...'

A few minutes later a thoroughly clean and decent and clothed Archchancellor was standing at the very centre of the Library, staring up at the damaged dome, while beside him Ponder Stibbons-- who for some reason had elected to continue to remain hatless, even though his hat had been handed back to him-- stared glumly at some magical instruments.

(40-43)

That's pretty much it for this book, as far as wizards go, anyway.


3. Unseen Academicals: Obviously this book's main thread is the wizards, although its primary protagonists are two non-wizard employees of the university, Nutt and Glenda, the respective best friends of Trevor Likely and Juliet, a dim-witted Discworldian recasting of Romeo & Juliet in hereditary supporters of rival footie teams. Nonetheless, it's pretty much the entire book that is relevant to Ponder/Ridcully, but I've picked out the most significant bits, at any rate. Page numbers from Harper Collins US 2009 first edition hardback (yes, the editions don't match: we bought the first one that turned up in the bookstore!).

Ponder has assumed steadily more responsibility at UU, until he in fact has enough votes on the council to carry it, and forms a committee all by himself. The double-act he maintains with Ridcully has progressed from the secretarial vibe from before to more of a mom-and-pop-of-the-University family thing.

Even the Archchancellor was doing it, which made it hard for Ponder to protest: he had half a mile of trout stream in his bathroom, and claimed that messin' about in his study was what kept a wizard out of mischief. And, as everyone knew, it did. It generally got him into trouble instead.

Ponder had let that go, because he now saw it as his mission in life to stoke the fires that kept Mustrum Ridcully bubbling and made the university a happy place. AS a dog reflects the mood of its owner, so a university reflects its Archchancellor. All he could do now, as the university's sole self-confessed entirely sensible person, was to steer things as best he could, keep away from squalls involving the person previously known as the Dean, and find ways of keeping the Archchancellor too occupied to get under Ponder's feet.

(24)

With increased responsibility, however, comes increased power and also, increased demands!

Ridcully stood up. 'I declare this meet-- this overly extended snack... over. Mister Stibbons, come with me!'

Ponder hurried after him, books clutched to his chest, happy for the excuse to get out of there before they turned on him. The bringer of bad news is never popular, especially when it's on an empty plate.

'Archchancellor, I--' he began, but Ridcully held his finger to his lips.

After a moment of cloying silence, there was a sudden festival of scuffling, as of men fighting in silence.

'Good for them,' Ridcully said, heading off down the corridor. 'I wondered how long it would take them to realize that they might be seeing the last overloaded snack trolley for some time. I'm almost tempted to wait and see them waddle out with their robes sagging.'

Ponder stared at him. 'Are you enjoying this, Archchancellor?'

'Good heavens no,' said Ridcully, his eyes sparkling. 'How could you suggest such a thing? Besides, in a few hours I have to tell Havelock Vetinari that we are intending to become a personal affront. The unschooled mob hacking at one another's legs is one thing. I don't believe he will be happy with the prospect of our joining in.'

'Of course, sir. Er, there is a minor matter, sir, a small conundrum, if you will... Who is Nutt?' [...]

'You know that you have a glowing future here at UU, Stibbons.'

'Yes, sir,' said Ponder gloomily.

'I would advise you, with this in mind, to forget all about Mister Nutt.'

'Excuse me, Archchancellor, but that simply will not do!'

Ridcully swayed backwards, like a man subjected to an attack by a hitherto comatose sheep.

Ponder plunged on, because when you have dived off a cliff your only hope is to press for the abolition of gravity.

'I have twelve jobs in this university,' he said. 'I do all the paperwork. I do all the adding up. In fact, I do everything that requires even a modicum of effort and responsibility! And I go on doing it even though Brazeneck have offered me the post of Bursar! With a staff! I mean real people, not a stick with a knob on the end. Now... Will... You... Trust... Me? What is it about Nutt that is so important?'

'The bastard tried to lure you away?' said Ridcully. 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless Dean! Is there nothing he will not stoop to? How much did--'

'I didn't ask,' said Ponder quietly.

There was a moment of silence and then Ridcully patted him a couple of times on the shoulder.

'The problem with Mister Nutt is that people want to kill him.'

'What people?'

Ridcully stared into Ponder's eyes. His lips moved. He squinted up and down like a man engaged in complex calculation. He shrugged.

'Probably everybody,' he said.

(44-46)

Also increased intimacy, though. You note that in The Last Continent, only an eye-twinkle and the occasional double-edged comment lets Ponder suspect that Ridcully is smarter than he looks. Now Ridcully makes no effort to hide it from him, but shares his amusement straight up. Also, the loyalty in this scene... makes me a little misty-eyed. >.>

Just for kicks, a sexual innuendo combined with a Ridcully/Ponder takeoff of the running gag where Drumknott whispers corrections to Vetinari:

'Mister Ottomy, I'm sure none of my blokes wear garters--' Ridcully stopped and listened to Ponder Stibbons's whispered interjection and continued, 'well, possibly one, two at most, and it would be a very dull world if we were all the same, that's what I say.'

(81)

Ponder's authority at the university has essentially exceeded Ridcully's, in that he actually cares to pay attention to what's going on:

'And this was against my express orders, was it?'

'Yes, absolutely definitely, sir,' said Ponder, who knew his Archchancellor and already had an inkling of how this one was going to end. 'And so therefore, sir, I must insist that he--' He walked into Ridcully again because the man had stopped outside a large door on which was a bright red notice saying, 'No Item To Be Removed From This Room Without The Express Permission Of The Archchancellor, Signed Ponder Stibbons pp Mustrum Ridcully'.

'You signed this one for me?' Ridcully said.

'Yes, sir. You wee busy at the time and we had agreed on this one.'

'Yes, of course, but I don't think that you should pp just like that. Remember what that young lady said about the UU.'

Ponder produced a large key and opened the door. 'May I also remind you, Archchancellor, that we agreed a moratorium on the use of the Cabinet of Curiosity until we had cleaned up some of the residual magic in the building. We still don't seem to have got rid of the squid.'

'Did we agree, Mister Stibbons,' said Ridcully, turning around sharply, 'or did you agree with yourself pp me, as it were?'

'Well, er, I think I understood the spirit of your thinking, sir.'

'Well, this is the spirit of pure research,' said Ridcully.

(163)

The visiting Genuan football genius is gay, and the innuendo at first flies over Ridcully's head, much like in The Last Continent with the trees, but he later makes a joking aside about it. He's not actually naïve - just slow on the uptake. A bit literal.

'Oh, that's Professor Bengo Macarona, Archchancellor. From Genua, remember? He's swapped with Professor Maidenhair for a year.'

'Oh, right. Poor old Maidenhair. Perhaps he won't get laughed at so much in a foreign language. And Mister Macarona's here to better himself, yes? Put a bit of polish on his career, no doubt.'

'Hardly, sir. He's got doctorates from Unki, QIS and Chubb, thirteen in all, and a visiting professorship at Bugarup, and he has been cited in two hundred and thirty-six papers and, er, one divorce petition.'

'What?'

'The rule about celibacy isn't taken seriously over there, sir. Very hot-blooded people, I understand, of course. His family owns a huge range and the biggest coffee plantation outside Klatch, and I think his grandmother owns the Macarona Shipping Company.'

'So why the hell did he come here?'

'He wants to work with the best, sir,' said Ponder. 'I think he's serious.'

'Really? Oh, well, he seems like a sensible chap, then. Er, the divorce thing?'

'Don't know much, sir, it got hushed up, I believe.'

'Angry husband?'

'Angry wife, as I heard it,' said Ponder.

'Oh, he was married, was he?'

'Not to my knowledge, Archchancellor.'

'I don't think I quite understand,' said Ridcully.

Ponder, who was not at all at home in this area, said very slowly, 'She was the wife of another man... I, er, believe, sir.'

'But I--'

To Ponder's relief, light dawned on Ridcully's huge face. 'Oh, you mean he was like Professor Hayden. We used to have a name for him...'

Ponder braced himself.

'Snakes. Very keen on them, you know. Could talk for hours about snakes with a aside order of lizards. Very keen.'

'I'm glad you feel like that, Archchancellor, because I know that a number of the students--'

'And then there was old Postule, who was in the rowing team. Coxed us through two wonderful years.' Ponder's expression did not change, but for a few moments his face went pink and shiny. 'A lot of that sort of thing about, apparently,' said Ridcully. 'People make such a fuss. Anyway, in my opinion there's not enough love in the world. Besides, if you didn't like the company of men you wouldn't come here in the first place.'

(189-190)

We learn that Ponder in fact is set to inherit Ridcully's position if necessary (and doesn't want it):

'No, I forbid it!' said Ponder.

'You forbid it?' said Henry. 'You are but a chick, young Stibbons.'

'The accumulated votes of all the posts I hold on the University Council mean that I do, technically, control it,' said Ponder, trying to stick out a skinny chest that was never built for sticking, but still buoyed up and awash with righteous rage and a certain amount of terror about what might happen when it ran out of steam.

The contenders relaxed a little more in the presence of this turning worm.

'Didn't anyone notice that you were getting all this power?' said Ridcully.

'Yes, sir, me. Only I thought it was responsibility and hard work. None of you ever bother with details, you see. Technically, I have to report to other people, but usually the other people are me. You have no idea, sirs. I'm even the Camerlengo, which means that if you drop dead, Archchancellor, from any cause other than legitimate succession under the Dead Man's Pointy Shoes tradition, I run this place until a successor is elected which, given the nature of wizardry, will mean a job for life, in which case the Librarian as an identifiable and competent member of the senior staff, will try to discharge his duties, and if he fails, the official procedure is for wizards everywhere to fight among themselves for the Hat, causing fire, destruction, doves, rabbits and billiard balls to appear from every orifice and much loss of life.' After a short pause he continued. 'Again. Which is why some of us get a little worried when we see powerful wizards squabbling like this. To conclude, gentlemen, I have spoken at some length in order to give you time to consider your intentions. Somebody has to.'

Ridcully cleared his throat. 'Thank you for your input, Stibbons.'

(202)

Finally we glimpse Ponder's office, which must be industrial-strength with all the work he does.

Ponder's office always puzzled Mustrum Ridcully. The man used filing cabinets for heavens' sake. Ridcully worked on the basis that anything you couldn't remember wasn't important and had developed the floor-heap method of document storage to a fine art.

Ponder looked up. 'Ah, good morning, Archchancellor.'

'Just had a look in at the Hall,' said Ridcully.

'Yes, Archchancellor?'

'Our lads were all doing ballet.'

'Yes, Archchancellor.'

'And there were some girls from the Opera House with those short dresses.'

'Yes, Archchancellor. They're helping the team.'

Ridcully leaned over and put huge knuckles on either side of the paper Ponder was working on. 'Why?'

'Mister Nutt's idea, Archchancellor. Apparently they must learn balance, poise and elegance.'

'Have you ever seen Bledlow Nobbs try to stand on one leg? Let me tell you, it's an immediate cure for melancholy.'

'I can imagine,' said Ponder, not looking up.

(212)

After the climactic football game at which Glenda and the Librarian save the day, and some football hooligans smash Ridcully's knee and knock Ponder over, Ridcully visits Ponder in the High Energy Magic Building to explain that his knee will be alright and incidentally convey the tragic news that Ponder's former protegé Turnipseed, now professor at the rival Brazeneck in Pseudopolis under the former Dean, made a slight error in building his copy of Hex out of chickens instead of ants:

There was a busy little silence and then Ridcully said, 'How long do you think we should give him to get it under control?'

'What size are the eggs?'

'Eight or nine feet high, apparently,' said Ridcully.

'With calcium shells?'

'Yes, quite thick, so I'm told.'

Ponder looked thoughtfully at the ceiling. 'Hmm, that's not too bad, then. If you'd said steel it would have been rather worrying. It sounds very much like a blit devolution, possibly caused by... lack of experience.'

'I thought you taught Mister Turnipseed everything you know,' said Ridcully, looking happier than Ponder had seen him in a very long time.

'Well, sir, perhaps there was something he didn't quite grasp. Are people at risk?'

'The wizards have told everyone to stay indoors.'

'Well, sir, I think if I got some of my equipment together we could leave about teatime.'

'I'll come too, of course,' said Ridcully. He looked at Ponder. 'And--'

'What?' said Ponder. He looked at Ridcully's grin. 'Yes, it might be a good idea if one of the gentlemen from the Times came along to take pictures. They might be very good for instructional purposes.'

(398-399)

Comments

[laughingrat]

On a side note, I enjoyed the fact that Macarona was also the best soccer player among 'em.

[cimorene]

Obvs you have to have an Italian soccer tensai. Or Spanish, I guess. But their names aren't as easily parodied...

[got-fanfiction.livejournal.com]

i have a fic for you. it's on ff.net; it's ridcully/ponder and titled octarine tinted lenses. of course if you've already found it just disregard this comment. :D

[cimorene]

Hi! I think I have read that one actually (although I think it wasn't written yet when I made this post...), but since you have reminded me of its existence perhaps I shall read it again. :) The impulse to point out fanfiction is always appreciated, at any rate! You never know when someone hasn't seen it!