(no subject)

someone else post some new due south slash RIGHT NOW.

hm. does everything REALLY suck or does it just feel that way?

yo, waxlet!

have been out all day and am busily pining away. getting quite anxious over it, even. it's T minus four days, here, and i still have to call you again! come back and tell me when!

(no subject)

the shrink agrees that i can't function like this and not functioning is bad. he gave me medicine. it's supposed to work. by monday, if at all. sister-lisa thinks i should just trash the old meds; the doctor isn't so sure. i'm going to give it a few more weeks.

i'm going to talk to him on monday, again, so i guess i can handle it until then, because he didn't have time to address my real issues with the college. really, though, that's the dean's job, so. urk.

the trees appeared as they'd never been gone; i promised the fields i'd return--

i can't entirely convince my subconscious that my life is not a novel, or perhaps a very tightly-written novella. i keep trying to map literature onto events.

which is to say that i'm always looking for a pattern. like the plot should make sense. like there's some kind of poetic balance to everything. and, like, i can never shake this feeling that any problem with myself is soluble and reducible to one main theme, and that i already have all the pieces and all i have to do is put them together in the proper way.

and then everything will work out, like in a slash story, where it turns out that it was really all about trust, or it was all about taking chances, or it was all about belonging, or it was all about accepting yourself, or... right.

but i don't know if i want to accept the world the other way. i mean, i do, intellectually, know that it isn't, but perhaps i shouldn't try to break myself of this habit.

(no subject)

hmmmm... nothing like sucky slash to make dinner seem more palatable by comparison!

am i still me? when i poke myself i don't jump a mile. something's odd.

::sinister music::

(no subject)

as i was walking to dinner i startled a pigeon and it leapt up from the pavement so quickly that its wingbeats spread a circle out in the fragments of pine needle on the pavement. a perfect circle, naturally.

the pride alliance thing was a bit disappointing, but i had several conversations with real people, so i suppose it was not a total loss. in other news my mother called and apparently she couldn't hear me. something's WAY wrong with the phone at home. i keep trying to get her to replace it.

i started reading the jewels of aptor at dinner and it's just delicious. fell in love in the first chapter. and samuel delany is a black gay santa and i want to meet him.

and did you know he was married with a child, and only realized he was gay later in life?

please tell me not to slash him with james earl jones. thank you.

the wilds of customer service

how FUCKING STUPID is this. the at&t phone card people have in their system my OLD phone number associated with my credit card number. they put this in before they went to the automated voice-activated refilling thing, and now my old phone number, which is now SOMEONE ELSE'S, is like a kind of password in their system. like i'm going to have to remember it forever until i get a new credit card or a new phone card, i guess. i called their customer service to get it changed and the woman goes, and i kid you not,

'yes ma'am but if you were at your grandmother's house right now you could give me that phone number and you could use that and it doesn't really matter' (the fucking hell?) 'because there is no place for me to input that in my computer.'

me: but i went to the bank and they said the credit card company doesn't have the number associated with the card either.
her: yes ma'am i'm sure it's in our automated system but there is no way for me to access that information on my computer.
me: ...oh.
her: was there anything else you needed today ma'am?

(notice that i don't use commas for her speech. it's because she wasn't pausing.)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRr.