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so just a minute ago i remembered something else i needed besides garbage bags, but i've already forgotten it again. this is more than annoying. also, i suppose i need to buy books today, and ... bleh! i don't want to buy books.

hm. need to figure out who my advisor is and have a meeting. i only slept until 6:30 today, and then my internal clock woke me. guess i didn't need the alarm after all.

there's no reason for my stomach to be upset because i've had japanese for an entire year, i know and like all the professors, and i know exactly where the class is. but i wonder if i should go to health services this morning and be patted on the head about the not-eating thing. because i unquestionably am upset regardless.

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gulp. don't. want. to. get. dressed. the back of my neck is hot. ::sigh::

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i wonder if my mom could be talked into making me some more sweatpants. i really can't stand the thought of going out wearing jeans right now.

seriously, is tennessee hard to understand?

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okay, if someone gets a virus that says it's 'from' you--it's NOT! right? when my computer has it, it will send it from someone ELSE'S email address because it is SNEAKY like that. RIGHT?

so WHY do people send me these alerts? and when is the goddamned thing going to go away.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr.

::strangles small animals slowly::

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my walk from campus back to my dorm passes by a building labelled, in hand-painted black on white, "bassett planetarium." it's made of roughhewn stone in various sizes and shapes, with some wrought iron detailing, multiple stories and a little tower. it's charming and beautiful. i assume it belongs to the college. perhaps i'll walk down there one day and take a look around inside. it could be a castle for this princess. and i'll bet planetaria are wonderful places for making out.

the day started off cold but has warmed up. i'm going to walk into town and try to obtain some books, and possibly a job in the campus center. after i change--my scrubby tshirt and jeans have gotten a bit sweaty.

i ran into lisa, aka rm#1, and she's just looking radiant. the homewrecker avoided her all summer and she's back on track in her relationship with the fiancee. seeing her happy makes me happy.

in other news, my shrink is not very intelligent, but i suppose that i knew this all along. got some books on discourse anal from the library along with stoppard's lord malquist and mr moon.

meta meta meta meta...

hahahahahahahaha.

thank you, silviakundera.

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bleh. errands. walking. just bleh.

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i'm turning into cuddlepint, my little sister--this is my third outfit of the day, thank you.

so i was sitting outside and thinking about how beautiful it is, reading a samuel delany story in driftglass dedicated to roger zelazny (another of my favorite writers), with an incidental character named for him, eating raspberry frozen yogurt and golden grahams.

and incidentally, the shrink says that what i have are not anxiety attacks (which is to say clinical ones) but rather attacks of pretty severe anxiety (which is to say, anxiety which comes in attacks without being an Anxiety Attack [tm]).

la la la.

got package in the mail from daddy, only first of many, of course. prisoner of azkaban (left at home!), all my cds, my favorite sweatshirt and a tin of nut kisses (brown sugar meringues with little bits of pecan in them). i wish i'd been able to fit them in my suitcase. if i'd known my wax particularly likes meringues, i would have found a way. ::eyes cookie tin warily:: anyone want a cookie?

those skanky ivy league bastards!

::turns up nose at dorkorific, the presidential shrub and other ivy leaguers::

so in the amherst student today: an admissions officer at princeton was suspended, investigated, then fired and rehired (in a less important postion)... why?

because he used information from applicants' applications (name, dob, ssn) to hack into yale's new online notification system and find out if they'd gotten in.

but it gets more surreal: the site displays fireworks if the applicant has been accepted and a tasteful little letter if not (what, no lump of coal?)

tom stoppard

"my hat is of a colour described by my hatter as pearl black. my pearl pinned to my lapel is of a clour described by my jeweller in literal translation from his native chinese as sunkissed dew-drop on earlobe of bathing-in-pool maiden. my earlobes are gems of their kind. my regency coat for gaming at the club is of a brocade as blue as the midnight sky over firenze. my gloves are lilac, my hose is white, my cravat is of the palest blue silk, my boots are the hand-stitched hide of unborn gazelles and my stick is ebony, filigree-ed in silver. my lamquist is slightly less pink than a sunrise though slightly less yellow than a sunset, and it is drawn by two dappled greys in black harness, and driven by a venerable coachman caped in mustard box-cloth who served as groojmj in my father's stables and who has a wise cockney wit, an example of which unaccountably fails to spring to mind."

--tom stoppard, lord malquist and mr moon, chapter 1, "dramatis personae and other coincidences"

depression, new-semester-college anxiety

i don't know what the fuck is going on with these mood swings and depression and shit. but i want it to stop. right. now.

it's too hard to worry worry worry about everything when i'm not around my mommy and daddy and everyone who cares about me. you know how when you're little and you get sick, you just irrationally cry for your mother even though there's nothing she can do? she just makes you feel safe. well, i suppose i just... still feel that way.
i've been in japan for six weeks at a time before without feeling homesick. it all depends on what you're doing. i get homesick, horribly anxious, and eventually, a shaking nervous wreck who can't eat properly and is like a dirty damp (and tattered) rag--only when i'm depressed about something else.

and maybe it's all chemical in which case i'm pissed. but i don't think it is. and if it's something else i wish my body would just tell me precisely what it is so i could fix it.

well. perhaps i lie. i know why i'm unhappy, but i can't be a slave to my body and spend all my time around people i love and not working just to appease my stomach.

i can't afford to.

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can i wear my pajama pants to the dining hall? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

no, this isn't what i meant to say; what i meant to say was: still depressed, bugger. for how much longer can i deal with this? i'm committed to three weeks at least now, it looks like.

food is always good. to be fair, i did eat SOME today.

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oh god. i want to go home NOW.

why did i have to be so damn sheltered all the time? urgggh, why isn't there a handbook for people? don't feed her this while reading this out loud and hopping up and down on your left foot at midnight or she'll never be able to live by herself--

fuck it.

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::mope, whine, cringe, whimper, cower, sob::

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april 10: wee baby day

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this story's title: "time considered as a helix of semi-precious stones." samuel r. delany.

i know, know, know i've read the formula before. for the title, i mean. who was it? zelazny? someone help me out, here.

things you never thought to hear #1,349,769

hollsk: i look demented in it. the skull looks cute, though.